Suddenly, it all became clear.

The last few months have caused me concern. It is as a malaise of some sort and grew into apathy. Then today it hit me what was wrong. I am bored. Really really bored. Bored of going out to clubs, seeing the same people talk about the same things, the same cliques, the same sense that no-one and nothing has moved on. Of course, I am as just as much to blame! I go to the same clubs where I meet the same people. But this year, I have been out 3, 4 times and really I do not miss it. Some history may be due here. I went to my first fetish club over 25 years ago, in 1984 I think - Der Putsch. It was on a boat and run by Steve and Sadie who went on to run Westward Bound. I was very lucky I realise in that I made friends with some fetish insiders very quickly and was soon a regular face on the scene. Back in the 80’s there there not that many clubs to go to really. Der Putsch and Submission were the two main ones and interclub rivalries were rampant! There were many tales of Sadie banning people if she found out they had been to Submission!

I met some amazing people some of whom I still count as friends and many I still see out and about when I do go to clubs. For the next 8 years, I was a regular club goer and had a fine old time. But then, without warning I stopped. The feeling I have now was the feeling I had then. The relationship I was in was going wrong, I was tired of abusing my body in not a good way with the drugs that are almost an unwritten part of the scene and I just wanted out. The last time was a 10 year break and I wonder if it will be the same this time. The relationship I was in with Mistress has changed so much it is hard to really call it a Mistress/slave relationship anymore. There is only one club I enjoy going to nowadays, that being Pedestal. I miss Smack a lot and wish it would go back to the original venue but that will not happen of course. So, what do to. Hang up the chaps and call it a day or just carry on. I don’t know but I am sure an answer will come soon. But I am bored. Bored of being in chastity. Bored of stupid girls who think they are a Mistress because some idiot of a guy calls them it, bored of seeing ill-informed people try to foist their opinions and views on BDSM onto me as they one true light, bored of message boards that give a welcome but at the slightest transgression shoot the poster down in flames, bored of attitude of the press towards BDSM, bored of chastity, bored of cheap latex, bored bored bored bored bored.

The things I hate about chastity

Here is the dilemma. In itself, chastity is quite comforting. To me, there is an inner peace I reach when I am locked up in a CB and unable to touch myself. It removes issues from my life and works to make me more productive, less stressed. Really.. it does. I am not making this shit up. For a long time I mocked chastity but of course I had never really tried it. It was only when I started to experiment on myself and then found others who wanted me locked up that I started to realise this. But of course there are downsides. Several!

1. Sitting down to pee

It is not natural! I am used to standing up, unzipping and just letting it go. Never really needing to queue or have to wait. Now, if I am out in public I have to use the toilet rather then the urinal. I have to invariably queue and when I do get to use it, often or not it is disgusting. Men are pigs and I have only really started to see that. 

2. Lack of sleep

I now wake up, regularly at 4am and 5am with that painful feeling that I am erect and it has nothing to do with sex! So, I have to get up and pee (see above) to relieve the pain and then fall asleep again for an hour when I have to repeat the process. I have started drinking less towards the end of the day and ensure that I pee as much as I can before I go to bed but still, every night I wake up at 4am and then at 5am

3. Crushing my balls

I have sat down, stood up, leant over, lifted my feet up. You name it I have tried it. But putting socks on is not fun as now, no matter what, I end up crushing my balls. The CB trapping them to my leg and seemingly wanting to smash them and crush them. It hurts OK and I am now seeming to spend more time than ever to put socks on. I may start going bare foot but I suspect work will have an issue with that

4. It is noticeable??

I have, when wearing trousers, noticed that when I sit down it has a habit of riding up! So, I have to very carefully push it down and hope no-one notices what I am doing. Whilst it does to the excitement, I do not want others to feel that I am playing with my cock constantly! So I before I sit down I try to subtly push the CB down between my legs and tug it away, so to speak. But generally it is not noticeable under trousers or jeans. 

5. Hygiene

Thanks to 1. above and general daily stuff, the thing can get smelly quite quickly. I shower every day and have so far kept it quite clean but I do wonder what will happen for longer periods of being locked up with no release. Time will tell I suppose.

A new head fuck

So, it has been awhile since I have written anything. In part there is a general malaise about me that is very work related and the desire to write has not been there. Also, Twitter has been, in a way, replacing my blog.

But, there are things that happen that can only really be fully written down in a blog as Twitter does of course have it’s limitations.

So, what’s new. Well, I went to Pedestal the other week with Mistress. It was pretty average if I am honest and had an interesting run in with a Dungeon Nazi who pointed out that I am not allowed to talk in the Goddess room unless I am being spoken to. When I replied I was told not to speak. Pointing out the stupidity of this rule did not endure me to her but so what. I hate to say but I was into this whole scene before she was born and occasionally forget some stupid rules.

Pedestal was also close to my birthday and in part it was a night out for that as well. I had been promised a very special present when we got back after the club and of course, it was this I wanted more than anything, almost like a kid in a candy store.

When we got back, a few drinks later, i was told to strip and lay over the chair. Needles were used to create a very nice bird shape on the back. But needles are not new to me. The music was playing hard trance and then the new toy, the medical stapler came out. This was a new buzz and to have 10 staples down the stomach, then laced up and as i breath in, they are pulled tighter together just sent me into the biggest endorphin rush i have had for years. The combination of the needles, the music, Mistresses soothing voice and the staples was just a complete head fuck and all i knew was that i was floating in a sea of pain that was totally delicious. A masochists dream.

Sadly, like all good things, it came to an end and as i came down i could feel the staples quite clearly. But what a rush. Who says you cannot teach old dogs new tricks!

What does a Goddess really want

There have been, over recent weeks, quite a few blog posts around the subject that all women (not just some, or a few but all!) are superior to me. But fortunately, there are some more sensible Goddesses out there who question this rationale and indeed look to debunk it all together.

What seems, to me, to be the issue is that so many men are trying to enter into the BDSM world without ever questioning why or what they want from it. It is to easy for most men to just say to a female, Mistress or Goddess or whatever superior form of address She wishes to take, “i will do anything for You Mistress” without thinking about it first and what that sounds like to the other party.

For me, if were to hear that, and now I am putting myself in the shoes, metaphorically, of the Female Dominant, it would sound as if I have just tried to say what you want to hear or what I think you want to hear. Indeed, I would hear someone who had put no thought into the statement at all. They had not tried to find out about me and they had no ability to express themselves in a way that was meaningful to a potential relationship.

No, back in my sub shoes, I will admit that when I was younger and not a middle aged submissive as I am now, it did say it. But I was punished for doing so and punished in the worse way by being ignored and treated as if I did not exist. I had to understand what use I was to the Mistress, how I could serve Her and please Her in order for me to answer the question from Her, simply “what can you do for me”.

Of course, once you are able to answer this many Female Dominants are disarmed as it shows initiative on the part of the sub. It also shows that you care and are able to be more than a piece of meat. It shows more than anything you respect the Female and are capable of submitting properly.

 

Here endeth the lesson :)

Going out

Went to a new “old” club last night. New in that the venue has changed, old because it is a club that has been going for some time in various guises. Once again it gave me the excuse to dress up in my favourite fetish material, latex and going in the knowledge that I am going to get a really good thrashing across my back with some new floggers. This I know because I have been told by a friend who is a well regard Mistress that she intends to do so!

I could go on about the club, but to be honest, clubs are pretty much like each other. Usual crowd, some new faces and lots of old ones. Lots of people make the effort to dress up in fetish attire and provide plenty of eye-candy for those who are at a club for the first time. I suppose I should not be surprised after so many years of going to clubs, but still am, at the number of people who just gawp when they see someone dressed in an overtly sexual way. Still, I am sure I was also like that many years ago as well.

It was not a busy night but enough people to make a good evening. As promised, I was thrashed. Hard, long, repeatedly. I was in and out of that special place many call subspace and was on a buzz for a long time afterwards. Who needs chemicals when I get that feeling from something I love.

But the highlight for me was meeting one of favourite people in the London fetish scene and being asked to play. For the next hour, I was who I truly want to be – submissive, masochistic and fetishistic. Hooded, tied, and tortured on my nipples and genitals. If I did not know better, I would say I am in love!

Getting home later, whilst tired, I cannot sleep as I replay the events of last night. It was how it used to be with Mistress and how I wish it still were.

Need

Life seems to have taken a lot of different turns over the last 6 months or so. One the one hand, I have been trying to open up to my partner and show her the BDSM side of my life but seemingly to no avail. As a consequence I still lead this secret life away from her and suspect I always will. I still post on various websites etc. as it's a way, to me, of retaining some sanity. My life, for over 30 years, has had elements of BDSM as part of it and i now realise that I cannot just walk away from it. It is as much as part of me today as it was 30 years ago. It is who I am in many respects and it dictates a lot of the decisions I make.

I find myself thinking about Mistress more and more as I know that the form of submission and freedoms I am allowed is one that found made the most sense. It was, whilst formalised and ritualised, also the most simple. There were no complications. She is the Mistress, I am the slave. Simple. The desire to submit is as ever there and will never diminish However, the last time we, for want of a better word, played was over a year ago and whilst I have had mini-session, so to speak at clubs, parties and the such the need to be hurt and submit totally to Mistress burns as strong today as it ever has. But how do I approach Mistress after so long and ask for a formal session. Of course, deep down I know how but my procrastination surprises me. Do i fear rejection? Or has the relationship changed with Mistress and we have become to friendly and therefore the dynamics of the relationship changed so much that I would be unable to get into the mind set needed for a session.

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income Saw this report from New York. In many ways it mirrors what is happening in London as well. However, the downside is that it leads to a state where there is a distinct lack of quality and with the long term providers now having to compete for a lot less business.

Not sure if it is good thing or bad but definitely a sign of the times.