One day, you suddenly wake up and bang.. you find yourself missing something very important in you life.
For the past few weeks, i have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then i realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have i have no contact. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always upto me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, i should never have anything that i cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things i find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where i can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.
i find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress Diva. This is a feeling that over recent weeks is quite strong. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but i will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt. No reason of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.
i do fee at times very mixed up. i know, or at least i hope, that i could have a lot more time with Mistress Diva if i were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses i know but also reality). i want to go out to more clubs and parties. But this i also know will never happen unless changes in my life occur that i cannot really ever see happening.
Well, enough of the depression. i know what i need to do and to do it i will.
