Everything stops for tea!

Afternoon tea. So quintessentially English. The very embodiment of a refined afternoon spent sipping tea, eating delicate sandwiches and cake (lots of cake!!).

But if you then add into the mix a group of like minded Dominant females, the whole afternoon takes on a very different aspect.

Let me put some context around this. If you read my last post, then You'll know i am under the care and ownership of a Mistress i have now known for 15 months. This has not been a trivial decision from either party and i have had to earn this right. But i digress. Mistress is keen to show me other aspects of Her life and not have a D/s relationship that is confined only to the walls of a dungeon or the inside of a fetish club. As part of this, i was told several weeks ago that i was to drive Mistress to a tea-party held at a friends of Hers and would be expected to assist as necessary. I'm not really sure who suggested it, but it ended up be in chauffeur mode, with chauffeurs uniform meeting Mistress at the train station and taking Her to the party, some 50 miles away. Full chauffeur etiquette had to be maintained i.e. me wearing chauffeur cap, brown leather gloves etc. and driving in a way that did not upset my passenger by speeding, going over bumps, gesticulating to other drivers, using my horn. So far so good and to be honest, i quite enjoyed that even if i was conscious of wearing a chauffeurs cap driving down the motorway.

But to the party. Once in, it was clear that there was some chaos still in place but i soon found the one job i am usually good at, pouring the drinks whilst i let the others around me try to sort out the table and make the tea happen. As the afternoon wore on, more drink was consumed and it's fair to say, things were never going to end well for myself and the other submissives in attendance.

The previous day, i had been asked to bring with me three things that would "impress" Mistress. Three things that could potentially be used on me to satisfy any sadistic cravings She may have. So, i selected medical staples (Mistresses favourite), needles and a couple of particularly harsh floggers. The staples were given to the host as She also likes to use these and did so on a young sissy who having claimed to be hardcore, turned out to have never experienced this. And of course, lucky me.. i got have the needles used on me, something Mistress has only done once before but from the gleam in the eyes of the other ladies it was clear they all wanted to join in and so, i found myself in the playroom stripped to my red silk pants, in chastity.. (oh. Did i fail to mention that i was locked up at a party last week and have endured, so far, a week of being locked up, once again putting my cock through unnecessary torment..) having needles pushed through sensitive parts of my body. Whilst this was being done a few things were said, that made me think. The comment "he makes it look so easy" did strike me as something that i could take many different ways. As i was reminded, with control of breathing, you can take a lot of pain and this was no different. i know what to expect, i know what it's going to feel like when a needle is pushed through my nipple that i can deal with it. But what made me smile (inside only i will add) was a comment about piercing my balls. The words "just because the house is locked up, doesn't mean we can't abuse the neighbours" was one of the funniest things i have heard for a long time. It will be some time before i forget that. Anway, needles were used, removed and i cleaned up before watching a naming ceremony that took the form of each Mistress inflicting 15 strokes of Her choice (one for each letter of the new name) and making the slave receing each blow in a different way. For oh so many reasons i cannot say more.

The evening ended with me finally signing a contract of my submission to Mistress, witnessed by the other Mistresses in attendance. So that's it. It's official. I'm a slave who has rules to live by and there is no leaving now.

This was clearly no ordinary tea-party. Rather, it was a wonderful group of Mistresses who all enjoy each others company playing in private with their personal slaves. i admit to feeling anxious and nervous before i attended this as i was aware that i was representing Mistress and my behaviour would reflect on Her. Maybe i was too anxious as really, i just needed to be myself , which i did become fairly soon into the afternoon. i knew one of the other slaves and we get on well and that helped although our talking did lead to a small telling off. But that aside, it's clear that this sort of event is important to Mistress and that i am able to be part of that side of Her life. So, it's not all just being whipped and flogged in a dungeon (as much as i love that) as i am seeing. For me, this just becomes something i have wanted, perhaps without realising it and at the moment, i happy to go along and where things go.

24 Hours to Serve Her

Well, I made it. Mistress has written to me and confirmed acceptance of my submission to Her and my continued service. The three month anniversary actually occurred on the 10th of January, 1.00pm but hey.. whose counting!

To celebrate that, Mistress asked me to spend 24 hours with Her, starting at midday on the 10th where i was to meet Her in London after Her attendance at a club the previous night. So, that's as good a place to start as any.

It had been three weeks since i'd last seen Mistress. Actually, that's not strictly true. We did speak over skype one night during the Christmas and New Year period but that was not as successful as either of us had hoped to due to connection issues etc. But in person, there had been a three week hiatus and this bought that to an end.

We had an busy day ahead with Mistress wanting to get some new stockings from What Katie Did over on Portobello Road, have some lunch (instructions - chicken or fish and healthy salad) and then if time permitted to the Wellcome Collection for the Institute of Sexology. Finally, off to the apartment we had for the evening.

Most of this went well even if we did traverse London from East to West and back East again. But that's the life i choose and i have no complaints, Eventually, we ended back at the apartment where we had drink, some light snacks and where we planned to consummate the anniversary with my submission.

I had previously been forewarned by Mistress that She was packing various weapons and toys, including one of Her larger strapons, commonly known as Goldicock which I'd be entertaining. But that was to come much later.

Now, i could just end it here and use the age old excuse of not wanting to describe in detail what happened between us. But where's the fun in that!! So I'll see how things go.

We started of talking. A lot. About a lot of things but mainly about the last three months and what my feelings were etc. I'm pretty open and honest about these sort of things. My feeling are pretty well known to Mistress and as i've previously written this was not a quick decision to submit but was the end result of a lot of chats and days out to get to know one another. Of course, i wanted to know more about how i was doing etc and how i was dealing with things. Eventually though and quite naturally, i went off to get myself ready for what i knew was about to happen.

Presenting myself to Mistress, i surprised myself by also presenting my collar to Her for me to wear. Now, the collar is quite a difficult topic for me as i have, unsurprisingly i guess, quite strong views on this, feeling as i do that the significance of the collar is sometimes lost when they are given so willingly and quickly to a submissive. Mistress and i had discussed this at great length but did agree that a collar for when we were out at events, to show that i was not available rather than actually collared was appropriate and it was this i presented. It seemed natural and the correct thing to do. Plus, it matched the fetching pair of red silk briefs i had on from xdress, bought especially for this evening.

Can I just say this now. I am not a pussy.. I really can deal with pain but i have never encountered anyone who can squeeze my nipples as hard as Mistress. Really.. no-one. It's painful, makes me squirm and Mistress, knowing this, just does it more! Ok, that's out of the way. But wow.. my nipples came under attack from tooth and nail for some time until we ended up on the bed, me tied down, arse up for the assault that was going to take place. That I won't really bore you with, but we moved from the bed where i was fucked, electrocuted and generally used to the pulled out sofa bed where it continued some time afterwards with Goldicock. But eventually, all good things come to an end and i was untied, allowed to clean myself up and rest. Sleep eventually came, no torture during the night and eventually morning.

Now, here's the thing. i have yet to leave Mistress, when spending any time with Her in the last three months, without being beaten and of course this was going to be no exception. i just waited for this to happen whilst Mistress got Herself ready. Then of course, i was summoned and told to choose a weapon. Not much choice.. all were going to hurt so i took the cowards choice and presented the whip, the martinet and the quirt to Mistress. i was not to know what had been selected until the first hit. This was new. Not quite single tail, not as intense as the martinet and not as thuddy as a flogger. But a sharp, biting pain. i don't count the blows. i've never been asked to and to what end. I'm not allowed to ask for it to stop so i stand and accept what is given to me but for this i found myself wanting it to end. Then i realised, i was not letting go and when i did, it was easier to deal with and when the impact was harder, i found myself able to accept what was being meted out to me. My back felt hot and marked. But here's the rub. The next day, there were little or no marks. No reminder of what had happened to celebrate this small anniversary and my passing into acceptance by Mistress.

And that brings me to the point of this post i guess. The reminder does not have to be physical. Even now, writing this, i can remember minute details of what happened during the 24 hours of service and it's that memory that i will cherish rather than the vanity of looking in the mirror at a marked back acting as a reminder.

We did eventually leave the apartment and headed over to London Fetish Fair, rather earlier than i have ever been before for a quick shopping trip before taking Mistress to the train station and Her journey home. Our time together, for now, had come to and end and i went back to whatever life i call normal.

So, what did I learn. Well, i learnt that tea-cups have to be placed with the handle at 4 o'clock to the recipient and the spoon placed across the top of the saucer. I confirmed to myself that i can relax (not in a tardy way) with Mistress and just give myself to Her. i learnt that Mistress thought i was a pussy! But most of all, i learnt that this was the best thing to happen for a long time and right now, i don't want it to stop.

Three months in..

Well, here we are. It's 2015 already and I'm as excited as I've ever been about upcoming events in my life.

First some updates. Just over a year ago, November 2013, I was at a fetish party held by a good friend. Lot's of people I knew, as ever, but also a lot of new faces. Seems that it had turned into a bit of an after party for Pedestal and quite a few people had come from that. In particular, one person, a Mistress as it happens, stood out with a certain calmness, a sense of who She really was, amongst the usual drunk, stoned and generally fucked up crowd that gathered at these particular parties.

So of course, billy brave here had to talk to this Mistress whom he'd never seen before. And I'll say now, so glad I did. That conversation just intrigued me. We seemed to share a common view on fetish and BDSM, knew a lot of the same people but had just not really encountered each other before. From that meeting, we had a few chats over social media, then informally met up at Pedestal, another party, went out to some other vanilla events and in October last year, I finally gave my submission to Mistress and this was formally accepted by Her.

And what a whirlwind the last 3 months have been! I have truly rediscovered my passion for BDSM, my love of fetish and my desire to be hurt. Best of all though is that Mistress shares all my passions and then some. For the first time in just so many years, I know this is not a game. The is very real and my submission goes beyond just a session every now and then. My life is becoming intertwined with Hers, my needs are subjugated to Hers, i find myself thinking of how i can make Her life easier.

And here we are, at the three month point and we meet this weekend. There has been an implied, but not defined, probation period for the past three months. I have joked that we have both been on probation but it's also been made clear that I'm not allowed to quit! This is a serious lifestyle commitment that i have to make work alongside my normal life. And I'll be honest, there are times when it's a challenge to accommodate my work life and my submission together. I have always traveled for my job and whilst this has eased back in the last year, the indications are that it will increase over the next 12-18 months. i won't always be around at the weekends or other times i'm required. But i try to make to work and so far seem to be able to do so.

All that aside, i will confess to being happier than i have been for a long time. Once again my body regularly carries the marks of being beaten, of having needles puncture my flesh or (Mistresses favourite) staples punched into my body and of course, being the masochist i am, i just crave more or the same. But it's also a feeling of trust when i am with Mistress that i have only really felt a few times in my life. I trust Her to know when i am at my limit, to know when i can be pushed further and to take me there. i am used as Mistress pleases, when She pleases and i could want for nothing more, well.. actually i just want more.

i've no idea what the next three months will be like, More of the same of no doubt, Saying that, no two encounters with Mistress have been the same. Each time brings its own unique intensity and passion. But i'm sure that i will be taken deeper into submitting to Mistress and my life will continue to change and evolve as i submit.

Chastity, Chastity, they all want my chastity..

As you will have previously read (those that have read previous posts that is) I have mixed views on chastity. From saying I'll never do it, through to being locked up for several weeks and here I am again, having just had a week of locked up chastity, which followed a week of self enforced chastity to now, something much worse!

Let me explain. I have recently entered into a new D/s relationship with who I can only really describe as the most amazing Mistress. We've known each other for about a year and i started formal submission about 2 months ago.

Well, a few weeks ago, a weekend retreat was held and i was invited to attend, which i did. I was also asked to bring with me my chastity device and to not feel nervous. All well and good. But then, I was also told to not masturbate for a week prior to the event. I've always found self regulated chastity one of the more difficult tasks. It's all about will-power of course and the hope that at the end some relief will be given. But a week I managed and of course, I was locked up on the Friday. No relief for me then.

The retreat ended and, in a foolish expectation I would be released, I was duly informed that I would be spending a week locked up, until Mistress and I met again on the following Friday. Oh joy. As I've previously written on the things I hate about chastity, it comes as no surprise that I was not jumping with joy. But again, a week I managed and was duly released on the Friday. Then I was given a new rule. I was no allowed to masturbate, but only on a Monday and a Friday and then only under instruction from Mistress. This was a new twist for me. From just wanking whenever, to no wanking and now intermittent wanking. But I accepted it as something was better than nothing.

The first Friday, I was given 8 minutes to masturbate. No more, no less. I managed 7. First fail.

The next Monday. Given 8 minutes again. But.. thanks to interuptions, no orgasm achieved in timescale. 2nd fail,

The following Friday. Mistress takes me in hand. I have no chance of cumming! Third fail

Monday just gone. Success.! So, in 4 weeks, I have had one orgasm. One. A single solitary ejaculation. This from a possible (when wanking was free) 28.

Chastity. It seems I'll never be far away from the next time my cock is locked up or just not allowed to wank. It sounds as if I am complaining about this. But reality it, I am so happy to be serving Mistress that this is a very small issue and one that I deal with. I may joke and laugh about it, but there is a serious side as it shows that I can control myself, can take orders and can respect Mistresses wishes and desires. I've no idea how long this will go on for though and know from experience not to ask.

Update - 6th December.

It's now 5 weeks and 2 orgasms. I forgot one on the first day of the Monday & Friday regime. Last night, a Friday was another fail, Mistress has an unerring knack of knowing when I'm going to be interrupted and not able to cum.

Update - 8th December

Finally was allowed an orgasm on Monday. No instructions, no directions. Give a free hand, so to speak Score now 3 in 5 weeks. But whose counting.. !

The story of me

Some time ago I was set a task to write how I came to be where I am today with regards to fetish and BDSM. It needs updating but generally, it still holds true.

So, where to begin? I have always known I was different and not just interested in girls in the way most boys were. I always liked the girls who were stronger, taller, more intelligent, who knew what they wanted from life. I was always drawn to powerful females. When I was very young, probably aged 6 or 7, I used to go for a walk with one of my Aunts. She always wore the softest leather gloves and I would hold her hand as we walked across the road and the feel of the glove, the softness of the leather was something that I loved to experience. As I grew older, into my teens, I started to explore that further, looking at pictures of girls in leather and with that came a love of girls in high heels, especially boots and in particular thigh high leather boots . Aged 15, I knew I wanted nothing more than to find girl who would dress that way but of course, it was not going to happen! That would come later in life.

At 17, I joined the Army and I guess over the next few years had no time to indulge my fantasies as Army life was pretty busy as a recruit. Then, I was posted to Germany and with more free time once again started to explore my love of leather. I found a magazine one day that had lots of contacts in and especially a lot of contacts from Mistresses in London. One immediately took my attention. It was Mistress with long black hair, dressed in a leather corset, long leather gloves and thigh high boots with what must have been a 10” heel and 5” platform. They were fantastic and I spent each day looking at the photo and using it to masturbate to, in my mind I was there in front of Her, on my knees touching the boots and feeling the leather. I must explain that at this stage I just knew I wanted to find a woman in leather. I was not really aware of BDSM and all that it included. But I was soon to be!

I had some leave due and came back to UK. As I lived in London, I made a decision to pay for a session with this Mistress I had so long fantasised about. So, agreeing a time, I went along to Her chambers in Earls Court. Even now, 32 years later I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I was shown in and taken to a room where all sorts of things hung on the walls! I was not sure what I had let myself in for when Mistress Tricia came in and as I had already asked for Her to wear the boots, I was just stunned. She looked magnificent and towered above me. Looking at me, she asked why I was still standing and why I was not undressed! So, I very quickly did as she asked and was soon being asked questions as to what I was after, what I had done before etc. Obviously, this being my first time, I had no experience of what I was after and what could be done. So, I sort of agreed to everything she suggested and soon found myself kissing her boots, feeling the leather against my tongue and I knew I was in heaven! Over the next hour, I was introduced to bondage, spanking, humiliation and for the first time I had my arse used. A rush of feelings, sensations and desires came rushing over me and I knew that I had finally found a home for all the feelings I had had since a young child. I just wanted to submit and be controlled, to be dominated by a Mistress. It was if a door had been opened and I had been shown what I was there and I wanted more.

Over the next couple of years, whenever I was in the UK, I would visit Mistress Tricia and on each visit I was taken further. I was whipped, spanked, had wax poured on me, learnt to drink her piss, to clean her boots with my tongue and I learnt that I was truly submissive with a desire to give up control totally to a Mistress. And of course, I was introduced to having my arse used by her with various strap-ons and dildos. I tried to find the same in Germany, where I was serving with the Army but the reality was my lack of German made it hard to explain what I was after. So, for the time being I stuck with the visits in the UK 3 or 4 times a year.

Eventually, I moved back to the UK and found myself visiting other Mistresses. I found a love of rubber, I loved dressing up in it and feeling it. The smell, the touch just felt so good to me. I wanted sessions that involved lots of rubber and found a Mistress who had clothes for me to wear – latex cat suits etc and hoods, masks, etc. I loved wearing gasmasks and having my breath controlled. I was seeing a Mistress in Birmingham once a month at least. She took me to new levels of pain and worship. She would start off with an enema, making sure I was totally clean. Then dressing me in latex, after awhile she would start to dress in me more female type clothes – corset, stockings, gloves etc. Then boots, adding false breasts and finally full make-up over a period of about 6 months. I had become her latex doll and slut. One day when visiting her she told me she had a special surprise for me. I was dressed in latex from head to toe and had my hands tied behind my back and a spreader put between my ankles. I was told to kneel and blindfolded. I could hear her go out of the room and a few minutes later return but this time with someone else. I was told to trust her and given a deep inhalation of poppers – at that time they were different to ones you get nowadays and a lot stronger. My head was swimming, I was in a nice place and I was told to open my mouth. Then, without warning, I felt something inside it and knew straight away it was a cock and I was sucking my first cock. I was, at first, a bit shocked, but then started to feel it get harder as I instinctively sucked, the Mistress holding my head so I could not pull back. It felt so nice and I just really got into, sucking, licking and taking it. Of course, the thing I was not quite prepared for was when the cock just throbbed and a stream of cum shot into my mouth. However, I had for some time been swallowing my own cum whenever I masturbated so it was not that bad so I swallowed it all and then the blindfold was removed and I saw a fantastic looking “female” in front of me. This was my first time with a TV and I was, I have to say, hooked. I wanted to suck more cock and especially wanted to play with other TV’s and Shemales.

It seemed in about 10 years I had gone from just wanting to kiss some boots to a being a latex clad cock-sucker. How much further could I be taken I wondered, but of course there was a lot more fun. I was still getting fucked by the Mistress and her strapons. They would get bigger, wider and I would beg for more. Eventually I was fisted by her. I was on another planet as I felt her whole hand go in and then start to work in and out. It was an unbelievable feeling and only a few times since have I ever felt the same.

It was also this Mistress (Mistress Dawn was her name) who had me fucked by a real cock for the first time. Again, it was a TV and again I loved it. I was not sure if was bi-sexual or not as I knew I had no attraction to guys, just guys who looked like girls. I had found a side of me that I never knew existed and it was surprising just how much I liked it. I started to go to TV Clubs and found myself wanting to submit to a Shemale Mistress which eventually I did and whilst I enjoyed it, I had more fun with a female Mistress who made me to things that I was not expecting. The humiliation aspect was more exciting than just doing it freely.  I suppose in a way I almost settled into a pattern – seeing a Mistress on a regular basis and with some variation, being tied up, humiliated etc in different ways. Pain was always a part of the session and would involve anything from the use of electo-stim devices on my cock, balls, hot wax etc I was introduced to needle play and what an introduction! In a bondage cage and needles just eased through my nipples. The endorphins rush was unlike anything I had ever experienced and added a new dimension to my love of pain. And my love of latex and fetish wear just got stronger and stronger. I started to buy my own latex to wear at home and around about 1988 went to my first fetish club, something I still do nearly 25 years later.

Like many of us, I also had a very vanilla side and like many people, the girl I was with was not into fetish in the same way I was. I will accept she tried – we went to a club a few times together but she really did not enjoy it, especially the BDSM side. So, whilst we never really mentioned it, I just started going out to clubs by myself and made my own friends in that world. Strangely, we lasted nearly 20 years together and it was almost an unspoken part of the relationship, but of course, it was also finally the thing that really caused us to break up as I only really wanted to go to fetish clubs and the majority of my friends were from the fetish world whilst hers were not.

One thing that did happen was that I pretty much stopped going to see a professional Mistress. I still played – but usually in clubs or private parties. As my life changed, with children etc, I felt emotionally that it was not the best thing to pay for my own pleasure whilst money was needed at home. Whilst I never saw it as paying for sex, it was probably the right decision to make.

Over the years, I built up a nice collection of my own latex and other fetish items such as thigh boots, hoods, some bondage stuff, anal toys etc. I would happily be at home by myself and dress up and pleasure myself. I loved the feeling of being in tight latex, a tight latex hood on and my arse filled with a big butt plug. I would lay there hours, just keeping myself aroused and on the edge of orgasm for as long as I could and then, finally, when I did cum, always eating it. The Mistress in Birmingham had made me always clean myself up and it has become almost automatic for me to do so.

About 2001, I met, at a party a very special Mistress who I found myself drawn to in a way I had never felt before.  There was something about her that I wanted to discover and over a few months, we ran into each other at clubs and parties. Finally, I built up the courage to approach her and introduced myself. I was slightly taken aback when asked why it had taken so long as she had noticed me, but once I did, we spent a long time talking and getting to know each other. We agreed to meet for dinner and lunch a few times when finally she asked if I wanted to see her for a session, to which I of course agreed. I was then shown a new world of High Protocol, where everything I did revolved around serving the Mistress, where I was not allowed to talk unless spoken to, and each sentence had to include Mistress. Punishments were subtle – they involved daily cold showers or only being allowed to say 4 words when in her presence. I learnt to accept physical punishments such as whipping and flogging and of course, lots and lots of shoe, heel and foot worship. We saw each other regularly for about a year when I was asked if I would become her collared slave and sign a slave contract. This was a huge step for me as I had never become this serious about a Mistress before. We went ahead with this and for four years, I was exclusively her slave. I would take her to clubs, ensure she was looked after, take her shopping, care for her shoes etc. But, it was a very demanding relationship as I was still living with my girlfriend and I could not give as much time to both the Mistress and my home as I wanted and eventually, I had to ask to leave the contract. We talked about it for a long time and eventually we came to a compromise that meant I we would still see each other, I would not see another Mistress but it would be mostly when we went clubbing together etc. People knew me as her slave and it is only in the last year that we have stopped seeing each other so much. Now, we are good friends and not really Mistress/slave but when out, I am loyal to her at all times and we probably get on better now then we have ever done./ 

So, that brings me to the now. Over nearly 35 years, I look at what I did so long ago, just wanting to smell leather and now…. well, perhaps there is little I don’t consider doing and very few taboos. I have appeared in fetish porn films, done stage shows and been on the television to talk about the lifestyle. I am, I have to say, pretty happy in my own skin and have no real regrets about my past other than I probably do not play as often as I want now and age has slowed me down in regards of staying out all night!

It's now  May 2020 and I thought it worth updating this as so much has happened since I wrote this. Late 2014 I was a friends party in London when I met someone who, whilst I didn't know it at the time, would become the most important part of my life for the next five years. She would allow me to be who I really wanted to be and when with me, She was was the person She wanted to be. Mistress Ava was, and always will so special to me in ways I can never really describe. We went away together, attended clubs, parties, international events and for 5 years I lived the dream of so many submissive males. I've written a few posts about our time together but was asked to stop at one point. I have thought about copying all the emails between us and creating a blog from that as it's quite a journey. But maybe that's for another day. Our relationship was far more than that of Mistress and slave. I  was, for the first time, truly happy to wear a collar and accept all that the collar signified. My latex wardrobe got even bigger, my toy collection expanded and life was good. But things came to an end in February 2020 and it took me a lot longer than I expected to get over this to the point i had no desire to go to any events, see anyone from the scene etc. for several years.  In 2022 i made the decision to start going to clubs that were mainly focussed on latex rather them BDSM or D/s and it's there i find myself happiest. 

I knew my cock would get me into trouble!

Here I am, once again, with my cock locked away in a chastity device all because I made a rash suggestion that someone said yes to.

Here’s what happened. I was meant to go and do some filming for a very well know Mistress who happens to love strap-on play. Through no fault of anyone it was cancelled to to Her not feeling well and I found myself shaved, douched and aroused! I was rummaging around in a toy bag and found my Birdlocked Neo that I have not worn for a year or so and just wondered what it would feel like on. So with no further ado, I put it on and snapped the lock shut.

Here’s where the trouble started. 

I have known Mistress R’eal for many years now.. having first met Her when i used to go to the infamous parties in London. Over the years we have become good friends and i still see Her from time to time to photograph and film. We had talked about chastity fantasies for some time and on the spur of the moment, i took a picture of myself locked up, sent it Her via Her twitter account asking if She wanted the key..initially as a joke. Quick as a flash came back the answer Yes!!

Mmm.. bad thoughts came to my mind as they do and feeling as horny as i was, we negotiated the terms, fines etc and initial length of time and i posted the key off to Her with no further ado.

Of course, after a few hours the reality came home to roost and now i find myself locked up, the key held by one of my Mistress friends who i know will not allow me any release before the agreed date no matter how hard i plea and beg. I have no doubt She is really enjoying this as for a long time i have talked about this with Her but always in a joking way, that was never meant to go anywhere.. but now i have gone and done it. So, i will keep a diary and no doubt some of the thoughts will appear on my twitter feed over the coming days.

Me and my stupid cock. I need to learn to ignore it as it gets me into a lot of trouble and this time my bluff was called and i lost.

Pedestal.. on a Friday! Whatever next.

So, Pedestal has moved to a Friday. It’s just a day you may think but it will, I suspect, change the dynamic of the club (OK, this was actually suggested by someone I respect huge amounts).

Why You ask (or at leas I hope you are) will the dynamic be changed? Well, Pedestal has, for a long time now, been on a Thursday night even though, many years ago, it was actually on a Saturday. And, being on a Friday it means that people, generally, do not have to go to work the next day. The nature of the person who goes will change. Many, I am sure, of those who go to Pedestal do so because they are staying in London, on business etc. It gives them the chance to experience a very friendly Femme Domme club and still go to work the next day. By moving it to a Friday, You lose that. You suddenly become more viable for a lot of the regular London clubbers. You also start to conflict with other clubs that may also run on a Friday and of course, those Saturday clubs. Will you want to go to a club Friday and Saturday (of course you all cry out).

All that said, I am of course going to go. I shall once again be with Mistress and that in itself is a massive treat as we have not been out together for a long time. It is almost like going to Smack, back in the day. Friday nights were the best night and the after parties into the hours of Saturday morning just topped it off.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Memories

Today, I met my favourite ever Domme/Mistress. Having moved away from London 5 years ago, to go back to Australia I was left in a strange sense limbo that took sometime to leave me. I had found with this Mistress someone who I could, without hesitation or condition give myself to totally. I never questioned what was going to occur and felt so safe it is hard to describe.

Then tonight, over dinner, all those feeling came rushing back in a flood of emotion that led to me outpouring my feelings I had at the time and how affected I was by her leaving. All this may seem very selfish but at the time I felt as if I would never find anyone to connect with again on the same level as I had with Her. But of course, things moved on and I did come serve a Mistress who took me on a very different journey to that I had been on and exposed me to areas of BDSM such as High Protocol where I found myself in an BDSM situation that I felt very at home with given the set of rules I was expected to exist within and my each and every action being dictated.

But just sitting opposite her last night, I felt all those emotions and desires well up again and a big part of me wanted to just kneel before Her and as I had done some many times in the past give myself over to Her without hesitation or conditions.

A new head fuck

So, it has been awhile since I have written anything. In part there is a general malaise about me that is very work related and the desire to write has not been there. Also, Twitter has been, in a way, replacing my blog.

But, there are things that happen that can only really be fully written down in a blog as Twitter does of course have it’s limitations.

So, what’s new. Well, I went to Pedestal the other week with Mistress. It was pretty average if I am honest and had an interesting run in with a Dungeon Nazi who pointed out that I am not allowed to talk in the Goddess room unless I am being spoken to. When I replied I was told not to speak. Pointing out the stupidity of this rule did not endure me to her but so what. I hate to say but I was into this whole scene before she was born and occasionally forget some stupid rules.

Pedestal was also close to my birthday and in part it was a night out for that as well. I had been promised a very special present when we got back after the club and of course, it was this I wanted more than anything, almost like a kid in a candy store.

When we got back, a few drinks later, i was told to strip and lay over the chair. Needles were used to create a very nice bird shape on the back. But needles are not new to me. The music was playing hard trance and then the new toy, the medical stapler came out. This was a new buzz and to have 10 staples down the stomach, then laced up and as i breath in, they are pulled tighter together just sent me into the biggest endorphin rush i have had for years. The combination of the needles, the music, Mistresses soothing voice and the staples was just a complete head fuck and all i knew was that i was floating in a sea of pain that was totally delicious. A masochists dream.

Sadly, like all good things, it came to an end and as i came down i could feel the staples quite clearly. But what a rush. Who says you cannot teach old dogs new tricks!

Going out

Went to a new “old” club last night. New in that the venue has changed, old because it is a club that has been going for some time in various guises. Once again it gave me the excuse to dress up in my favourite fetish material, latex and going in the knowledge that I am going to get a really good thrashing across my back with some new floggers. This I know because I have been told by a friend who is a well regard Mistress that she intends to do so!

I could go on about the club, but to be honest, clubs are pretty much like each other. Usual crowd, some new faces and lots of old ones. Lots of people make the effort to dress up in fetish attire and provide plenty of eye-candy for those who are at a club for the first time. I suppose I should not be surprised after so many years of going to clubs, but still am, at the number of people who just gawp when they see someone dressed in an overtly sexual way. Still, I am sure I was also like that many years ago as well.

It was not a busy night but enough people to make a good evening. As promised, I was thrashed. Hard, long, repeatedly. I was in and out of that special place many call subspace and was on a buzz for a long time afterwards. Who needs chemicals when I get that feeling from something I love.

But the highlight for me was meeting one of favourite people in the London fetish scene and being asked to play. For the next hour, I was who I truly want to be – submissive, masochistic and fetishistic. Hooded, tied, and tortured on my nipples and genitals. If I did not know better, I would say I am in love!

Getting home later, whilst tired, I cannot sleep as I replay the events of last night. It was how it used to be with Mistress and how I wish it still were.

Need

Life seems to have taken a lot of different turns over the last 6 months or so. One the one hand, I have been trying to open up to my partner and show her the BDSM side of my life but seemingly to no avail. As a consequence I still lead this secret life away from her and suspect I always will. I still post on various websites etc. as it's a way, to me, of retaining some sanity. My life, for over 30 years, has had elements of BDSM as part of it and i now realise that I cannot just walk away from it. It is as much as part of me today as it was 30 years ago. It is who I am in many respects and it dictates a lot of the decisions I make.

I find myself thinking about Mistress more and more as I know that the form of submission and freedoms I am allowed is one that found made the most sense. It was, whilst formalised and ritualised, also the most simple. There were no complications. She is the Mistress, I am the slave. Simple. The desire to submit is as ever there and will never diminish However, the last time we, for want of a better word, played was over a year ago and whilst I have had mini-session, so to speak at clubs, parties and the such the need to be hurt and submit totally to Mistress burns as strong today as it ever has. But how do I approach Mistress after so long and ask for a formal session. Of course, deep down I know how but my procrastination surprises me. Do i fear rejection? Or has the relationship changed with Mistress and we have become to friendly and therefore the dynamics of the relationship changed so much that I would be unable to get into the mind set needed for a session.

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income Saw this report from New York. In many ways it mirrors what is happening in London as well. However, the downside is that it leads to a state where there is a distinct lack of quality and with the long term providers now having to compete for a lot less business.

Not sure if it is good thing or bad but definitely a sign of the times.

When did I become so needy!!

It sort of crept up on me without warning. But suddenly, I found myself needy. I crave contact, anything from Mistress. I need to know she has read my message, that my words have pleased her. But nothing...no response, no indication. Then of course the self doubt creeps in and with that the fears and feelings that soon it will all be over despite assurances that nothing has changed, that things will go on and only get better.

I have never been needy, but I suspect I have never felt this way about someone and to suddenly find myself in this situation is a new and complicated set of emotions.

Sensing

i can feel You watching me, waiting to see what i will say or do next in my desire to serve You. It is as if there is a cord from Your pc to mine, making sure i am always there when You tug it, pulling me to You, keeping me close but at the same time, letting me have enough freedom to live my life.

The desire to open up, to expose my soul becomes stronger each day and soon the day will come when i have no option but to break down the wall i keep in front of me that hides my feelings and emotions. That day will be the day i have no more sense of self, but at the same time will have a total sense of who and what i am.

That sickening feeling

You try to stay away, to not look at the PC but the desire is there, the hope that you have a message from someone who all of a sudden is special to you. Constantly pressing refresh to see if a message is waiting that has not been notified to your email. You want approval, you desire contact and hope beyond hope that something is there for you.

Each time nothing, but still you hope that perhaps you will have something to hang on to.

Addiction is probably the nearest thing that describes it and being able to control it is not yet an option.

A new situation

I find myself in a new situation, quite unexpectedly and time will tell how it develops and whether i have the stamina to stay. I feel I cannot say to much but am sure that I will be able to say more later as it develops as, having already disclosed this blog to Her, it could well become the vehicle for expressing more of my thoughts to Her, but that is not guaranteed.

Does being dominant make you a domme?

I was reading an ad on one of the myriad of contact sites recently and one struck me in the words used by the poster - "I do like to be a very dominat woman!" (her spelling of the word not mine). I thought that in certain circumstances I like to be a very dominant man as well but that does not mean I want to be a Dom. Far from it. So, just because someone is dominant does that mean they make a good Domme. It is an essential quality?

Personally, I look for other qualities - extroverted but not aggressive, controlling but not overbearing, decisive but not impetuous, consistent, confident, honest and open, persuasive, caring, responsible, having a strong sense of self. But, if I look at this list I also see that a lot of this applies to myself. So where does the line divide between being submissive and being dominant when, to me, we seem to share many of the same characteristics. I suspect it is the desire to hand over that control and for someone to accept it and take control of someone who that defines the difference. That is the defining quality of each of us in this lifestyle

Out of the blue

Quite unexpected, I had an email on Monday from an old friend who I used to play with. We stopped because she fell in love with a 'nilla guy and wanted to devote to him. But now, 5 years later she finds herself single again because he turned out to be unable to keep his cock in his pants.

My dilemma is that I deep down I loved this person and if the chance was there (which it now seems it was) would have asked her out and had bf/gf type stuff. But that is as was. Now, she wants to get back into the fetish life and asked if I would fancy a play session with her to take some pictures for her new website etc. Of course, being the slut I am, I said yes. But now, almost a week later, I suddenly find myself hesitant in my decision as I feel that I am just there to give her something she wants rather than for us both to get something out of it.

Am I being to picky? I have on offer the chance to get flogged, hurt and buggered, to spend a good few minutes tied up and pretty much anything else I feel like doing. But there is the rub. It is what I feel like doing rather than being told what to do. I will not be submitting - I will be directing and that is what takes the pleasure away from me.

Sadly, I know in my mind what I will end up doing as I am just a slut who likes to play. But I suspect it will be the end of a friendship that went away and briefly came back again for the wrong reasons.

Slipping away

One day, you suddenly wake up and bang.. you find yourself missing something very important in you life.

For the past few weeks, I have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then I realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have I have not been able to keep in contact as I should. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always up to me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, I should never have anything that I cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things I find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where I can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.

For the first time in a long time I find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress. This is a feeling that over recent weeks has become stronger and stronger. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but I will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt as part of me has forgotten what it is like to session properly and there is a hesitation, even a fear to do so. Totally irrational of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.

I do feel at times very mixed up. I know, or at least I hope, that I could have a lot more time with Mistress if I were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses I know but also reality). I want to go out to more clubs and parties as there is not shortage of invites. But this I also know will never happen unless I make changes in my life that will affect to many others and I am I honest I cannot really ever see happening.

I would say I am not usually down-beat and depressed but today is one of those days. Just a winging sub I am sure you say. Just the facts of life I say.

What's going on in America?

Two of my favourite blogs have recently gone... Miss Troy Orleans and Miss Victoria X. I wonder if this is coincidence or a reflection of the recent police activity in New York with the raid on well known houses of BDSM.