How out are you?

I am often asked who else knows about my kinks. Well for me, most people who know me and the majority of my family aged between 21 and 70! I made a very conscious decision sometime ago to not hid what I was and what I liked. To me, it seemed the easiest way and also the most honest. Why should I live my life behind a veil of what others did not understand when others who had alternative sexualities could be as open as they wished. It is alright to gay and out but not a submissive and out! For me, being submissive is the core of what defines me. Similarly, my masochism is my sexuality in so many ways that to hide it would be deceitful and far to difficult.

But, recently, I find myself hesitating to tell people what exactly I am into and am using a watered down version and I don't know why. I have never been ashamed of what I like and what turns me on. And mostly, after the few jokes and whip cracking noises, the topic is forgotten and moved on. But I have never held back. If someone asked me if I like pain, I would happily tell them yes and how much! Why am I suddenly finding myself not being as open as I used to be? Nothing has really changed in my life and I am not ashamed of what and who I am in this, or indeed, any other respect. Part of me things that BDSM suddenly became very mainstream with the recent press coverage of the Max Moseley affair and what was something that I held dear to my heart became sordid and seedy and I have never wanted to be associated with anything that could be described as such. I don't know, but I do know I want to go back to the way I was, proud of being a kinkster and not ashamed of being, in so many peoples eyes, different.

Lights, camera, scream!

Had a message today from friend who happens to run one of the biggest BDSM/Femdom website's in the world asking me if I want to do some filming week after next at Ess & Emm. Of course, I would have been rude to say no, so of course I do! What's not to want?? I get to spend the whole day at one of the best play-spaces in the UK (to which I have yet to go to) and spend the day with two stunning Mistresses who will hurt me and make me suffer and it all goes on film! Is this heaven? And here is the best part.. I get paid for it as well! Does this make me a pro-sub? Sadly the answer is no but it does make me question some of my own morals.

Firstly, is this really play or is it work? Having done some work other sites in the past, I know the day tends to be long, with lots of sitting around waiting and then you have to be able to get into the scene very quickly with little build-up. I will be working with two Mistresses that I have never met before and so have to take it on trust that they are safe etc. and that the few limits I have will be adhered to. Secondly, of course,I need to speak to Mistress and ensure She is happy. There is no reason why She would say no but etiquette demands that I let Her know of such things. And finally, am I doing it for the right reasons. What, after all are the right reasons? Deep down, I have a massive exhibitionist streak and this panders to it in a massive way. The "session" will last for ever in that I can watch it whenever I wish and can relieve the feelings with each viewing. Others will see it and may well comment, again pandering to my own feelings.

All in all, it hits so many buttons that I am just amazed more subs just do not appear in films. But of course, I do know the reason. BDSM is taboo and to show your face in a BDSM film may risk exposure. But then, does it not run that if someone is watching a BDSM film and recognises me, they only reason they are likely to watching such a film is because they themselves are into the whole thing as well? Hence, I don't wear a hood when doing such things. It is almost as if I want to be recognised and see what happens if I am. Just another pandering to my bizarre set of emotions.

Pedestal - 7/10

Pedestal came and went. The new venue seems to be settling in quite nicely and the vibe is getting there. My only real comment is that because of the size of the venue, there were a lot of very empty spaces - mainly the main dance area. But other than that, it was great to see old friends and make some new as well as meet the lovely Rebekka Raynor dressed very smartly in a business style suit.

I was, as I ever am, with Mistress. I cannot really imagine being there without Mistress and the one time I was there I had a very different time and found myself chatting with a friend who runs The English Mansion BDSM site. I will say that one of my hopes did not materialise and that was to be beaten. But then, to be fair, the play-room was very crowded and busy. Still, there is always another day. Another let-down was the attendance of the after-party at The Whipping House. I wonder if this is because Pedestal is now in Nine Elms and is a good 20-25 minutes drive away, rather than the 10 minutes it used to be. We stayed for about an hour but it was just not happening so homewards and the relief in getting out of the rubber was palpable. As much as I love wearing latex, after 5 or 6 hours wearing it, the joy of taking it off is just wonderful. A good friend told me once that she loves to take off latex whilst in the shower. I need to try this sometime.

The next Pedestal is in November when it will be their 5th Birthday. I cannot believe it has been going for 5 years - I still remember the first event at Rio in 2003 and have only missed two since. Definitely a night to look out for.

Sex, and Drugs and BDSM

Eventually, I knew I would broach this topic as it seems it is one that is brushed under the carpet and never really talked about but here goes.

Firstly, I have to come clean and say that I am not totally innocent in all of this. I have taken more drugs that I can honestly remember over the years. E, Coke, MDMA, Ketamine, Amyl and very occasionally speed were the drugs of choice. Nowadays, Viagra is in the mix as well. So, why is there such a preponderance of drug usage in the fetish and BDSM scene. Of course, I can only talk about London, but it may well be the same in ever major city that has an active scene. I can remember great times in Amsterdam and Berlin where there was huge obvious drug taking, whilst in London, it seems to be slightly more circumspect with lavatories and dark corners the place of choice. From my own experience, I know that when I have taken a pill or two, I play harder and longer and end up with a lot more bruises! But the intensity of feeling, the euphoria of the moment that comes is addictive (which of course is the point of many drugs) and one that I do miss. As you may have notices, I have not mentioned Pot, Weed, Cannabis etc. Why? Well I have never smoked and therefore have never really wanted to take any of these, hence not having any knowledge of what they can do first-hand.

Of course, what makes me laugh really loudly is when I see ad's from Pro-Dommes who say they will only session with those who are drug free and yet, when I see them out and about at clubs and parties are usually totally wankered on drugs themselves! Of course, many will say this is not hypocritical, at they are putting the safety of the paying punter first. But I also see them play in clubs, so whose safety are thy putting first then? And please don't tell me that these are not paying punters, as there are many Mistress who offer to take a client to a club for a fee, so where is the line?

But I digress and have to point out that I am only highlighting an example of a Mistress offering to take paying punters to a club rather than that Mistress taking drugs..OK!.

So, is there direct correlation between drugs and BDSM/Fetish? I think yes and it comes down to personality types. For many BDSM is a way of escape, a way to live outside the accepted normal boundaries of life and be part of a community that often puts a finger up at society. It is those character types who will, by their nature, be more explorative and in turn curious about drugs. It describes many of the people I know and to a large degree myself. I don't drink, I don't smoke but I love to get out of my head now and then. Sometimes in public, more often in private with two or three others. Oh, and I mentioned Viagra at the start of the post. Gods gift to sex and drugs! That is all I have to say on that matter!

Thursday, Pedestal comes around. To be clean or to pop a pill - that is the question that I can only answer on the night.

No, I am not gay.

I have a deep, dark, secret. I love Transexuals, Shemales, Transgenders and any other description that may be applicable for the "third" sex. Especially the very few that are also dominant (of which there are very few unfortunately). But, on the rare occasion I get to meet a TS Mistress, the power play, the whole dynamic is one that I often struggle to come to terms with and understand.

I have, I want to be clear, no desire at all to submit to a Master. There is not a bone in my body that wants that. But, confronted by a TS Mistress, it is a whole different situation. The scene that unfolds is often highly sexual and at the same time, I am able to completely hand over all control to the Mistress. I know that I am not alone in this and the few Pro TS Mistresses I have met at parties and clubs all seem to charge a huge premium over the female counterparts, such is the demand for their services. I am lucky in that I am friends with a lot of the sex-worker community in London and have not yet had to pay for a session with a TS Mistress. Would I in the future? I cannot answer that but I know that the times I do play, they are some of the most interesting sessions I have had.

How can you serve me?

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BDSM Haiku

The whip sings loudly
Straining in his ropes
Growing anticipation

Another early to bed.. early the next morning that is.

Fetish/BDSM parties, as others in the BDSM blogosphere have commented, are great and who am I to disagree! Having just got home, still on a bit of an endorphic rush and unable to sleep I wanted to put down some words.

I am, I have to say, fortunate. Now in my mid forties, I have been involved in some shape or form in this lifestyle since I was 18, so coming up to thirty years. In that time I have made some great friends and it was at one of those friends that held a party last night. So, bag of toys and some bits of fetish wear in hand I turned up around 11pm and found myself in a pretty good scene with people I knew and some new faces. Now, I am, as I have alluded in my previous post, in a strange sort of, but not totally, collared relationship with someone. Trying to explain that relationship is not easy but then again, should I have to explain it as it works for the people concerned. She knew I was going to the party and I had Her permission to play if I wanted to but within some limits that She set - in this case I was not allowed to have any needle play, one of my favourite sensations. What I did not know, was that one of Her friends, who I also know has been asked by Her to not only keep an eye out for me to make sure I did not misbehave but also to try to get me to indulge in some needle play. Ok, I am a man. I am weak. My brain is connected to my cock. The needles looked great, a fan shape across my shoulders but the damning evidence is there in the pictures that were taken! I shall, not doubt, discover the consequence of my actions later but at that moment, as the last needle went in, I was in that other place that pain sluts love to be and nothing else existed. That floaty, distant sensation, when all around you vanishes except the bond between you and the instigator of your hurt. All you want is to swim in the feeling and for it to never end.

I was made to stay on my knees for about an hour, whilst others could look at the handiwork which of course I loved having somewhat of an exhibitionist streak in me. But of course, eventually the needles come out, I am cleaned up and then to snap me out of the reverie I was told what had occurred in respect of Her and the friend. Not much I could of course do at that juncture but inwardly I knew I had done bad and would suffer.

There is much more I want to write about but, now can actually feel tiredness coming on. One of the things I do want to put down in trying to understand why I did this but I suspect that will come when I am clear headed and fully awake.