A poem

i...

Hate that I'll never kneel before You again
Hate I'll never feel Your touch on my skin
Hate I'll never feel the kiss of Your whip
Hate I'll never hear You whisper in my ear


Hate that You're out of my life
Hate that we grew apart
Hate that sorry wasn't enough
Hate that we could never work this out

Hate that I can't smell No5 without thinking of You
Hate that we twist each others words
Hate that 5 years was all we had
Hate that I cry when i think of You

Cherish the memories I have of You

Love what You showed me
Love what You taught me
Love that i found You
Love that You saved me

Can never forget You

Will always love You

I survived #Dommeagedon

Let me say from the start, this is one of the hardest blogs i've ever written. It would be so easy to be critical of the behaviour of some of those attendees. But of course, that would be unfair and detract for the mostly fun that was had over the four days. So here goes...

How does one describe when 12 Mistresses and 16 submissive's or slaves all come together for a long weekend in deepest Norfolk for the 2nd annual Femme Domme Retreat hosted by Mistress Ava Von Medisin? Well I'm not quite sure there is a descriptive noun, but Dommeageddon seemed to strike a chord with many of the attendees and henceforth, it will be called that! I even have a t-shirt to prove i survived.

To the event! This was the 2nd such event organised by Mistress Ava Von Medisin who, many will know, I am in a D/s collared relationship with. Not quite for a year but close. I attended the first event last year but at that time, I was still under consideration and on some form of probation, which I obviously passed, given I now wear Her collar when with Her. But that's an aside. This event was going to be bigger with more Mistresses and slaves, a professional cook (more of that later) and organised events. Lots of well known Mistresses were in attendance and I was lucky enough to know most of them along with their attending slaves. In the months building up to this, I was very concious that I was letting my own anxieties and fears  start to take control. My emotional self over-ruling my logical self and my dread of public humiliation games becoming stronger with each passing week. But not going was never an option for me, given my status and I can't really imagine the consequence of not attending.

As we got closer to the date, instructions were given, rules sent (rules.. yes rules!) for the behaviour of the slaves etc, and times to arrive. Eventually, the day comes and I set off from home for the 150 mile drive to the event. The Retreat is held in a large country house, that can easily sleep 16 in the house and has 3 cottages associated with it that allow another 12. So each Mistress had her room and some of the lucky slaves had their own room. I knew that would be sleeping on the floor, in Mistresses room and had packed suitable bedding. I had also packed enough fetish wear for a week, toys, weapons and sundry other items. One can never have to much D/s related paraphernalia is seems. Ropes, cuffs, whips, paddles etc etc all there for use as and when required.

My first job, after changing into suitable clothing (black leather kilt and waistcoat seeing as you ask) was to greet the Mistresses as they arrived and show them to their pre-allocated rooms. This all before the first event of the weekend, the drinks reception and canapés at 9pm. And so the fun starts.

During the retreat we were to have two birthdays and tonight was the first. Slave A was on his first trip to the retreat along with his Mistress. Any birthday celebration needs cake and candles and these were produced. But of course, this is a Femme Domme retreat and nothing is done in a normal way. The cake was set on the floor and slave A was then allowed to eat it but only from the heel of his Mistress. After that, the cake was pushed around the room, by his nose, to each Mistress in turn who all made him eat cake from their heel or sole. All well and good, and very funny. Then the candles. Having stripped to the waist, each Mistress took turns in dripping wax onto slave A until a rainbow of wax covered his upper body and having pulled his leggings down, other areas. As an on looker i found myself wishing i was there with the wax, it being one of those types of pain i relish and actually become aroused by. But at the same time, i also wanted it in private in a room with just the gentle breathing of Mistress. That's my struggle. How to give myself over to those that, whilst i know them, have no desire to accept any pain or dominance from them. I know, from a recent conversation, that Mistress does not want to share me. And more, i find myself not wanting to be shared. To only receive pain, punishment and pleasure from Her hand.

The second birthday took place the following night and was for Mistress Ava's personal Pet. For this, balloons were the order of the day. But of course, hot to connect balloons to the skin.. why.. medical skin staples of course. The balloons has previously been filled with glitter balls, streamers etc and once inflated, stapled to pet. Now the fun. Each Mistress that wanted to take part was asked to burst a balloon but.. with a whip. Lesson learnt here. Whips are not very good at bursting balloons. In fact, they tend to just tear them off rather than burst them. Some did burst though and had the desired effect. All good fun. Of course, the evening was still young. Prior to this, all the slaves had served at the formal dinner, with some success. My role was easy. Keep the wine flowing and glasses filled. I have no problem doing this, but gentle reminders to others that this was my job.. I become a glass filling nazi! For this event, i was wearing red latex kilt and top. So what, you may say. Well, this was important to me. This particular outfit I had made some years back. It's one of my favourite pieces of latex. Last year, i showed it to Mistress Ava but was unable to wear it. A year later, sufficient weight lost that i could wear it with comfort. A small personal achievement from a goal set a year ago to Mistress.

One of my mental blocks when it comes to pain has always been having my arse hit. Caning, cropping, paddling.. all things I've managed to avoid and often have as a hard limit. However, this conflicts with my inner need to give myself totally to Mistress Ava is such that i cannot really accept inside myself that my arse is off limits. We had discussed me getting some paddles to see how i coped and i had duly purchased two new paddles, one from LAM and one from Hell In Leather. Having been told to get my bag, i sort of knew was was coming and started to find ways of accepting it. Having found a suitable position, the paddling started. One thing to note with Mistress. There is never any warm-up. Just straight in, Even knowing that, nothing really prepares you for the first time your arse is hit with a leather paddle. Yes, it hurt. Yes, i wriggled and yes I cried out. But i also knew i had to accept what was coming. After all, i had pretty much asked for this. What i found surprising though, was how quickly i started to relax into it and with acceptance came a feeling of wanting more and not resisting. I suspect i'll never be a confirmed, hardcore spanking lover but i know inside myself that if i'm told i'm going to be paddled or spanked, it won't fill me with dread.

Whilst all this was going on, a good friend was also being hit. And when I say hit, I mean hit hard. Have you ever seen an Alabama Prison Strap? It's probably one of the scariest things i have ever seen used on a human being and seeing it used was something i'll never forget! Worse though.. someone wanted to use it on me! Now, i have a bad habit of laughing as a nervous reaction. I can't help it and know that i do it but unable to stop it. And seeing that strap hover over my body, about to be used i can tell You i was laughing like a drain! Fear was in my eyes and nothing would ever be able to prepare me for it. i'll say this. It wasn't used on me in anger. It was dropped onto me and even that stung.. run if you see you as you'll never want to be hit with that!

Whilst writing this, I wondered if it should be a blow by blow (no pun etc) account of the time or just a sense of what we did. There is much of the general minutiae of the day, in keeping a large house running, making sure the Mistresses are looked after with tea, drinks, tea,.. seemingly endless cups of tea! My main role seemed to be to drive to the shops to collect pre-ordered food, items we'd run out of (who knew so much water would be drunk) etc. So the day would go quite quickly. The evenings were when we had the fun, so to speak.

Remember I said we had a chef. Well, Sunday morning came and the news was the chef had done a runner! Not sure why he had really volunteered but there you go. Luckily, we had a slave who was well trained in cooking so not all bad. But it does go to show, even the best laid plans can to amiss at times.

Sunday was also to be the day of Cuntry Games (sic) and the dreaded "Afternoon Tea" (yes.. more tea). After more of my driving duties were carried out, the fun was to start. It seems that "cuntry games" mainly consist of carrying sex toys in a relay race between your knees. More ritual humiliation for those that took part and for which i managed to avoid having been told to change into my new alter-ego  Mistresses Wife (and that's all you're going to know).

Afternoon Tea - how has this once serene tradition been transformed into a prosecco fueled exercise in humiliation and ritual etiquette much loved by Mistresses in the UK?  I'm not sure how i managed to avoid this event, but somehow i was absent for most of it, just being asked to carry a few cake stands up to the drawing room. This is perhaps my secret. i keep out of the way and hope i won't be notices by my absence until i'm really needed. It's clear to me that some submissives are very service oriented. I'll admit to trying to be more service oriented but I usually fail and my cheeky side takes over, pushing limits where i see an opportunity for merriment. That said, it all went well with lots of tea (a recurring theme) drunk by the Ladies. The evening games were to be the most fun and soon, dinner eaten, kitchen cleaned, crockery put away the fun did indeed start.

One of the pieces of dungeon equipment bought to the house was a portable sling and frame. i've already had several sessions on this and love it. Having seen that it was up, i had a good idea of what may be happening and suitable clothing and preparations were made about myself. Let me say now...one of the highlights of the weekend was being fucked, on a sling, by a latex clad nun! To get there, i was allowed to be taken by three other Mistresses until eventually Mistress Ava, latex clad with full nuns wimple on took me. Here i have a confession, My nipples, which had been the subject of attacks pretty much constantly whilst in Mistress Ava's reach, were sore. Very sore. In fact, as sore as they have ever been. And with one Mistress attacking my nipples, another smothering my mouth and nose, whilst wearing a ball-gag and then a rather large dildo inside me, it all became a bit too much and i had to cry mercy. It's rare for me to do so but trying to focus on one thing with two others going on became too much to deal with. I don't often apologise - much better to not make a mistake in the first place - but here, if the Mistresses concerned read this, i do. Around me, in the room, others were being abused and used. It was quite lewd and the smell of latex and lube the main aroma.

Eventually all came to an end and we retired to the hot-tub room for the much needed relaxation and come down. With the weekend coming to a close, it was just nice to sit, relax, massage feet and look back on the past three days. One more breakfast to get through and the event would come to a close.

So, here we are, A week later, finally recovered with sleep and now already starting to think about next years retreat. What can I say.. I'm a sucker for punishment and abuse but I have no choice but to attend all the time i'm collared to Mistress Ava and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Everything stops for tea!

Afternoon tea. So quintessentially English. The very embodiment of a refined afternoon spent sipping tea, eating delicate sandwiches and cake (lots of cake!!).

But if you then add into the mix a group of like minded Dominant females, the whole afternoon takes on a very different aspect.

Let me put some context around this. If you read my last post, then You'll know i am under the care and ownership of a Mistress i have now known for 15 months. This has not been a trivial decision from either party and i have had to earn this right. But i digress. Mistress is keen to show me other aspects of Her life and not have a D/s relationship that is confined only to the walls of a dungeon or the inside of a fetish club. As part of this, i was told several weeks ago that i was to drive Mistress to a tea-party held at a friends of Hers and would be expected to assist as necessary. I'm not really sure who suggested it, but it ended up be in chauffeur mode, with chauffeurs uniform meeting Mistress at the train station and taking Her to the party, some 50 miles away. Full chauffeur etiquette had to be maintained i.e. me wearing chauffeur cap, brown leather gloves etc. and driving in a way that did not upset my passenger by speeding, going over bumps, gesticulating to other drivers, using my horn. So far so good and to be honest, i quite enjoyed that even if i was conscious of wearing a chauffeurs cap driving down the motorway.

But to the party. Once in, it was clear that there was some chaos still in place but i soon found the one job i am usually good at, pouring the drinks whilst i let the others around me try to sort out the table and make the tea happen. As the afternoon wore on, more drink was consumed and it's fair to say, things were never going to end well for myself and the other submissives in attendance.

The previous day, i had been asked to bring with me three things that would "impress" Mistress. Three things that could potentially be used on me to satisfy any sadistic cravings She may have. So, i selected medical staples (Mistresses favourite), needles and a couple of particularly harsh floggers. The staples were given to the host as She also likes to use these and did so on a young sissy who having claimed to be hardcore, turned out to have never experienced this. And of course, lucky me.. i got have the needles used on me, something Mistress has only done once before but from the gleam in the eyes of the other ladies it was clear they all wanted to join in and so, i found myself in the playroom stripped to my red silk pants, in chastity.. (oh. Did i fail to mention that i was locked up at a party last week and have endured, so far, a week of being locked up, once again putting my cock through unnecessary torment..) having needles pushed through sensitive parts of my body. Whilst this was being done a few things were said, that made me think. The comment "he makes it look so easy" did strike me as something that i could take many different ways. As i was reminded, with control of breathing, you can take a lot of pain and this was no different. i know what to expect, i know what it's going to feel like when a needle is pushed through my nipple that i can deal with it. But what made me smile (inside only i will add) was a comment about piercing my balls. The words "just because the house is locked up, doesn't mean we can't abuse the neighbours" was one of the funniest things i have heard for a long time. It will be some time before i forget that. Anway, needles were used, removed and i cleaned up before watching a naming ceremony that took the form of each Mistress inflicting 15 strokes of Her choice (one for each letter of the new name) and making the slave receing each blow in a different way. For oh so many reasons i cannot say more.

The evening ended with me finally signing a contract of my submission to Mistress, witnessed by the other Mistresses in attendance. So that's it. It's official. I'm a slave who has rules to live by and there is no leaving now.

This was clearly no ordinary tea-party. Rather, it was a wonderful group of Mistresses who all enjoy each others company playing in private with their personal slaves. i admit to feeling anxious and nervous before i attended this as i was aware that i was representing Mistress and my behaviour would reflect on Her. Maybe i was too anxious as really, i just needed to be myself , which i did become fairly soon into the afternoon. i knew one of the other slaves and we get on well and that helped although our talking did lead to a small telling off. But that aside, it's clear that this sort of event is important to Mistress and that i am able to be part of that side of Her life. So, it's not all just being whipped and flogged in a dungeon (as much as i love that) as i am seeing. For me, this just becomes something i have wanted, perhaps without realising it and at the moment, i happy to go along and where things go.

Three months in..

Well, here we are. It's 2015 already and I'm as excited as I've ever been about upcoming events in my life.

First some updates. Just over a year ago, November 2013, I was at a fetish party held by a good friend. Lot's of people I knew, as ever, but also a lot of new faces. Seems that it had turned into a bit of an after party for Pedestal and quite a few people had come from that. In particular, one person, a Mistress as it happens, stood out with a certain calmness, a sense of who She really was, amongst the usual drunk, stoned and generally fucked up crowd that gathered at these particular parties.

So of course, billy brave here had to talk to this Mistress whom he'd never seen before. And I'll say now, so glad I did. That conversation just intrigued me. We seemed to share a common view on fetish and BDSM, knew a lot of the same people but had just not really encountered each other before. From that meeting, we had a few chats over social media, then informally met up at Pedestal, another party, went out to some other vanilla events and in October last year, I finally gave my submission to Mistress and this was formally accepted by Her.

And what a whirlwind the last 3 months have been! I have truly rediscovered my passion for BDSM, my love of fetish and my desire to be hurt. Best of all though is that Mistress shares all my passions and then some. For the first time in just so many years, I know this is not a game. The is very real and my submission goes beyond just a session every now and then. My life is becoming intertwined with Hers, my needs are subjugated to Hers, i find myself thinking of how i can make Her life easier.

And here we are, at the three month point and we meet this weekend. There has been an implied, but not defined, probation period for the past three months. I have joked that we have both been on probation but it's also been made clear that I'm not allowed to quit! This is a serious lifestyle commitment that i have to make work alongside my normal life. And I'll be honest, there are times when it's a challenge to accommodate my work life and my submission together. I have always traveled for my job and whilst this has eased back in the last year, the indications are that it will increase over the next 12-18 months. i won't always be around at the weekends or other times i'm required. But i try to make to work and so far seem to be able to do so.

All that aside, i will confess to being happier than i have been for a long time. Once again my body regularly carries the marks of being beaten, of having needles puncture my flesh or (Mistresses favourite) staples punched into my body and of course, being the masochist i am, i just crave more or the same. But it's also a feeling of trust when i am with Mistress that i have only really felt a few times in my life. I trust Her to know when i am at my limit, to know when i can be pushed further and to take me there. i am used as Mistress pleases, when She pleases and i could want for nothing more, well.. actually i just want more.

i've no idea what the next three months will be like, More of the same of no doubt, Saying that, no two encounters with Mistress have been the same. Each time brings its own unique intensity and passion. But i'm sure that i will be taken deeper into submitting to Mistress and my life will continue to change and evolve as i submit.

The story of me

Some time ago I was set a task to write how I came to be where I am today with regards to fetish and BDSM. It needs updating but generally, it still holds true.

So, where to begin? I have always known I was different and not just interested in girls in the way most boys were. I always liked the girls who were stronger, taller, more intelligent, who knew what they wanted from life. I was always drawn to powerful females. When I was very young, probably aged 6 or 7, I used to go for a walk with one of my Aunts. She always wore the softest leather gloves and I would hold her hand as we walked across the road and the feel of the glove, the softness of the leather was something that I loved to experience. As I grew older, into my teens, I started to explore that further, looking at pictures of girls in leather and with that came a love of girls in high heels, especially boots and in particular thigh high leather boots . Aged 15, I knew I wanted nothing more than to find girl who would dress that way but of course, it was not going to happen! That would come later in life.

At 17, I joined the Army and I guess over the next few years had no time to indulge my fantasies as Army life was pretty busy as a recruit. Then, I was posted to Germany and with more free time once again started to explore my love of leather. I found a magazine one day that had lots of contacts in and especially a lot of contacts from Mistresses in London. One immediately took my attention. It was Mistress with long black hair, dressed in a leather corset, long leather gloves and thigh high boots with what must have been a 10” heel and 5” platform. They were fantastic and I spent each day looking at the photo and using it to masturbate to, in my mind I was there in front of Her, on my knees touching the boots and feeling the leather. I must explain that at this stage I just knew I wanted to find a woman in leather. I was not really aware of BDSM and all that it included. But I was soon to be!

I had some leave due and came back to UK. As I lived in London, I made a decision to pay for a session with this Mistress I had so long fantasised about. So, agreeing a time, I went along to Her chambers in Earls Court. Even now, 32 years later I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I was shown in and taken to a room where all sorts of things hung on the walls! I was not sure what I had let myself in for when Mistress Tricia came in and as I had already asked for Her to wear the boots, I was just stunned. She looked magnificent and towered above me. Looking at me, she asked why I was still standing and why I was not undressed! So, I very quickly did as she asked and was soon being asked questions as to what I was after, what I had done before etc. Obviously, this being my first time, I had no experience of what I was after and what could be done. So, I sort of agreed to everything she suggested and soon found myself kissing her boots, feeling the leather against my tongue and I knew I was in heaven! Over the next hour, I was introduced to bondage, spanking, humiliation and for the first time I had my arse used. A rush of feelings, sensations and desires came rushing over me and I knew that I had finally found a home for all the feelings I had had since a young child. I just wanted to submit and be controlled, to be dominated by a Mistress. It was if a door had been opened and I had been shown what I was there and I wanted more.

Over the next couple of years, whenever I was in the UK, I would visit Mistress Tricia and on each visit I was taken further. I was whipped, spanked, had wax poured on me, learnt to drink her piss, to clean her boots with my tongue and I learnt that I was truly submissive with a desire to give up control totally to a Mistress. And of course, I was introduced to having my arse used by her with various strap-ons and dildos. I tried to find the same in Germany, where I was serving with the Army but the reality was my lack of German made it hard to explain what I was after. So, for the time being I stuck with the visits in the UK 3 or 4 times a year.

Eventually, I moved back to the UK and found myself visiting other Mistresses. I found a love of rubber, I loved dressing up in it and feeling it. The smell, the touch just felt so good to me. I wanted sessions that involved lots of rubber and found a Mistress who had clothes for me to wear – latex cat suits etc and hoods, masks, etc. I loved wearing gasmasks and having my breath controlled. I was seeing a Mistress in Birmingham once a month at least. She took me to new levels of pain and worship. She would start off with an enema, making sure I was totally clean. Then dressing me in latex, after awhile she would start to dress in me more female type clothes – corset, stockings, gloves etc. Then boots, adding false breasts and finally full make-up over a period of about 6 months. I had become her latex doll and slut. One day when visiting her she told me she had a special surprise for me. I was dressed in latex from head to toe and had my hands tied behind my back and a spreader put between my ankles. I was told to kneel and blindfolded. I could hear her go out of the room and a few minutes later return but this time with someone else. I was told to trust her and given a deep inhalation of poppers – at that time they were different to ones you get nowadays and a lot stronger. My head was swimming, I was in a nice place and I was told to open my mouth. Then, without warning, I felt something inside it and knew straight away it was a cock and I was sucking my first cock. I was, at first, a bit shocked, but then started to feel it get harder as I instinctively sucked, the Mistress holding my head so I could not pull back. It felt so nice and I just really got into, sucking, licking and taking it. Of course, the thing I was not quite prepared for was when the cock just throbbed and a stream of cum shot into my mouth. However, I had for some time been swallowing my own cum whenever I masturbated so it was not that bad so I swallowed it all and then the blindfold was removed and I saw a fantastic looking “female” in front of me. This was my first time with a TV and I was, I have to say, hooked. I wanted to suck more cock and especially wanted to play with other TV’s and Shemales.

It seemed in about 10 years I had gone from just wanting to kiss some boots to a being a latex clad cock-sucker. How much further could I be taken I wondered, but of course there was a lot more fun. I was still getting fucked by the Mistress and her strapons. They would get bigger, wider and I would beg for more. Eventually I was fisted by her. I was on another planet as I felt her whole hand go in and then start to work in and out. It was an unbelievable feeling and only a few times since have I ever felt the same.

It was also this Mistress (Mistress Dawn was her name) who had me fucked by a real cock for the first time. Again, it was a TV and again I loved it. I was not sure if was bi-sexual or not as I knew I had no attraction to guys, just guys who looked like girls. I had found a side of me that I never knew existed and it was surprising just how much I liked it. I started to go to TV Clubs and found myself wanting to submit to a Shemale Mistress which eventually I did and whilst I enjoyed it, I had more fun with a female Mistress who made me to things that I was not expecting. The humiliation aspect was more exciting than just doing it freely.  I suppose in a way I almost settled into a pattern – seeing a Mistress on a regular basis and with some variation, being tied up, humiliated etc in different ways. Pain was always a part of the session and would involve anything from the use of electo-stim devices on my cock, balls, hot wax etc I was introduced to needle play and what an introduction! In a bondage cage and needles just eased through my nipples. The endorphins rush was unlike anything I had ever experienced and added a new dimension to my love of pain. And my love of latex and fetish wear just got stronger and stronger. I started to buy my own latex to wear at home and around about 1988 went to my first fetish club, something I still do nearly 25 years later.

Like many of us, I also had a very vanilla side and like many people, the girl I was with was not into fetish in the same way I was. I will accept she tried – we went to a club a few times together but she really did not enjoy it, especially the BDSM side. So, whilst we never really mentioned it, I just started going out to clubs by myself and made my own friends in that world. Strangely, we lasted nearly 20 years together and it was almost an unspoken part of the relationship, but of course, it was also finally the thing that really caused us to break up as I only really wanted to go to fetish clubs and the majority of my friends were from the fetish world whilst hers were not.

One thing that did happen was that I pretty much stopped going to see a professional Mistress. I still played – but usually in clubs or private parties. As my life changed, with children etc, I felt emotionally that it was not the best thing to pay for my own pleasure whilst money was needed at home. Whilst I never saw it as paying for sex, it was probably the right decision to make.

Over the years, I built up a nice collection of my own latex and other fetish items such as thigh boots, hoods, some bondage stuff, anal toys etc. I would happily be at home by myself and dress up and pleasure myself. I loved the feeling of being in tight latex, a tight latex hood on and my arse filled with a big butt plug. I would lay there hours, just keeping myself aroused and on the edge of orgasm for as long as I could and then, finally, when I did cum, always eating it. The Mistress in Birmingham had made me always clean myself up and it has become almost automatic for me to do so.

About 2001, I met, at a party a very special Mistress who I found myself drawn to in a way I had never felt before.  There was something about her that I wanted to discover and over a few months, we ran into each other at clubs and parties. Finally, I built up the courage to approach her and introduced myself. I was slightly taken aback when asked why it had taken so long as she had noticed me, but once I did, we spent a long time talking and getting to know each other. We agreed to meet for dinner and lunch a few times when finally she asked if I wanted to see her for a session, to which I of course agreed. I was then shown a new world of High Protocol, where everything I did revolved around serving the Mistress, where I was not allowed to talk unless spoken to, and each sentence had to include Mistress. Punishments were subtle – they involved daily cold showers or only being allowed to say 4 words when in her presence. I learnt to accept physical punishments such as whipping and flogging and of course, lots and lots of shoe, heel and foot worship. We saw each other regularly for about a year when I was asked if I would become her collared slave and sign a slave contract. This was a huge step for me as I had never become this serious about a Mistress before. We went ahead with this and for four years, I was exclusively her slave. I would take her to clubs, ensure she was looked after, take her shopping, care for her shoes etc. But, it was a very demanding relationship as I was still living with my girlfriend and I could not give as much time to both the Mistress and my home as I wanted and eventually, I had to ask to leave the contract. We talked about it for a long time and eventually we came to a compromise that meant I we would still see each other, I would not see another Mistress but it would be mostly when we went clubbing together etc. People knew me as her slave and it is only in the last year that we have stopped seeing each other so much. Now, we are good friends and not really Mistress/slave but when out, I am loyal to her at all times and we probably get on better now then we have ever done./ 

So, that brings me to the now. Over nearly 35 years, I look at what I did so long ago, just wanting to smell leather and now…. well, perhaps there is little I don’t consider doing and very few taboos. I have appeared in fetish porn films, done stage shows and been on the television to talk about the lifestyle. I am, I have to say, pretty happy in my own skin and have no real regrets about my past other than I probably do not play as often as I want now and age has slowed me down in regards of staying out all night!

It's now  May 2020 and I thought it worth updating this as so much has happened since I wrote this. Late 2014 I was a friends party in London when I met someone who, whilst I didn't know it at the time, would become the most important part of my life for the next five years. She would allow me to be who I really wanted to be and when with me, She was was the person She wanted to be. Mistress Ava was, and always will so special to me in ways I can never really describe. We went away together, attended clubs, parties, international events and for 5 years I lived the dream of so many submissive males. I've written a few posts about our time together but was asked to stop at one point. I have thought about copying all the emails between us and creating a blog from that as it's quite a journey. But maybe that's for another day. Our relationship was far more than that of Mistress and slave. I  was, for the first time, truly happy to wear a collar and accept all that the collar signified. My latex wardrobe got even bigger, my toy collection expanded and life was good. But things came to an end in February 2020 and it took me a lot longer than I expected to get over this to the point i had no desire to go to any events, see anyone from the scene etc. for several years.  In 2022 i made the decision to start going to clubs that were mainly focussed on latex rather them BDSM or D/s and it's there i find myself happiest. 

Suddenly, I'm the oldest in the room.

I suppose it had to happen one day sooner or later. Time has crept on and whilst many friends of my are still in the scene, a lot of young people are always coming into it as well. And then one day, you're at a party and you look around and you realise.. you're the oldest in the room.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have no issues with how old I am. As I say frequently, getting old is mandatory, acting old is a decision. And I do refuse, in part to believe I am the age I am so I certainly won't act it. But it does make you think and look back on the fun times over the years and in some ways, how things have changed.

Tell a young'un that when I started out, making an appointment to see a Mistress for a seesion was stressful. Writing a letter to contact magazine, enclosing a S.A.E (that's a Stamped Addressed Envelope for the young ones) and waiting for the response took ages. Usually it would come back with a scribbled note on the back, telling you to call a number or worse.. nothing would come back! Of course, there were the phone box cards, if you were lucky enough to be in London. But if you lived outside the choices were limited. And of course, clubs did not exist in the way they do today. It was a very secret and underground lifestyle 30 years ago.

There was no ready access to porn either. There were some "specialist" shops selling magazines depicting leather clad Dommes, but few and far between and with the advent of VHS, you could occasionally get some fetish and BDSM movies from "under the counter", wrapped in a brown bag for your later viewing pleasure. Oh how things have changed. A few clicks of the mouse and I can see whatever takes my fancy, from professional studio produced stereotypical porn to home made fetish.

And that really brings me to my real point. Has the ready availability of porn created a totally false expectation of fetish and BDSM for people coming into it now? From comments on twitter, facebook, fetlife etc you often read about guys who have unrealistic expectations of what a session is likely to be and what will take place and in part I suspect this is down to the way that fetish and BDSM is depicted on the internet. Mistresses, for example, do not all have huge busts (OK.. I can think of some that do OK) along with unfeasibly small waits and huge amounts of hair. It's an image that has been created to satisfy the fantasy. Equally, Mistresses do not give you a blow job whilst you're tied up. Saying that, my girlfriend at one time who was also a Pro-Domme did like to do that to me but we were in a relationship that involved us doing the normal stuff as well as the kink. But to expect it in a session with a Pro-Domme? Maybe I am just having a rant as now I'm old (and overweight, balding and very pale skinned - I paint such an attractive picture) I am no catch for a Mistress. But, I'm polite, respectful and understand what is expected and that I hope will never go away, not matter how much porn I watch.

Is this the worse BDSM depiction ever!

There is a Canadian TV series called The Transporter, based on the films of the same name. A recent episode had what I think it one of the worse depictions of BDSM I have seen for a long time! A leather clad dominatrix is feebly beating a female whilst a man directs the scene. There is so much wrong but I suppose it's just for telly!

See what you think,

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO NEW GOOGLE GUIDELINES

Don’t Panic!! It’s only a small crisis I hope.

I was out last night, into the wee hours of this morning (well actually until 8.30am) at a house party. But of course this was more than that, with everyone in the house into fetish and BDSM. There was a huge range of people there.. aged from 22 to 60 and with experience in the scene from 40 years to 40 days. So all in all, a good crowd of people who mostly knew each other or were soon chatting like old friends.

As one does, I started to chat, albeit quite late on in the party, to someone who had been “on the scene” (I seriously dislike that phrase but there you go, it is what people say) for 25 years or so (and whilst this person is very well known, I don’t have his permission to use his name so I won’t). We had been to the same clubs back in the mid ‘80’s – Der Putsch, Maitresse etc. and knew a lot of the same people. But we also found we both are struggling with a lot of the clubs and the way  it is at the moment especially of course when we look back at what it was like.

And this is the point. There is a crisis of sorts in the fetish club world. I should add that this may only be applicable to London as the vast majority of my experience comes from the London clubs.

Clubs are finding it harder to get venues, club owners are more and more concerned that the activities that take place in the club do not fall foul of the law and newcomers to the scene are seemingly morally prurient against activities that older clubbers would have considered totally normal not so many years back as they seem more about the fetish than the BDSM.

Let’s be clear here as I develop my thoughts. I do not dress in latex to be seen. I dress in latex because I love it and would consider it to a fetish that gives me an arousal in sexual terms. So, for me to go to a fetish club, it is not so much because I want to pose and preen but rather because I go with friends and we (less and less it seems) play to a level that we like and feel comfortable with. Clearly that is a lot harder and more severe than many others who perhaps have not been playing for so long or see it more as a sexual tease. To add some context to this, a story was told to me recently of an experienced couple going to a club and on entering the play room saw three very attractive girls, dressed in very fashionable latex sitting on the cross situated in the play room. On being asked to move and then watching the couple play, comments of “that’s disgusting” were heard from the girls concerned when the woman started to whip the guy, this being part of what they are really into. The consensus of thought from those discussing this was what did the girls think the club was about? But that one incident is not a solitary event and I have other similar occurrences from other clubs in recent times.

Even at clubs where play is encouraged, such as Pedestal and Subversion, there are more and more limits being imposed in order for the owner to keep their licence. No blood, no penetration, no genitalia exposed, no fluids, no sex, no fun! Maybe I miss the old clubs such as Smack, Submission and others. Or maybe I am just a dinosaur, I don’t know. I do know that the mix of people in clubs has changed with more clubs being about being seen rather than playing. The Gay scene is still pretty full on, I will say. But, whilst I have no issue going to gay fetish clubs, I sort of like the female element. And the TV/TS club scene has changed a lot. Gone are the sleazy nights at Stunners, Studio 11 etc. for a lot of the same reasons. Owners need to show a level of safety and adherence to the law when running club nights and fetish/BDSM clubs often step outside that. 

So what is the answer. If clubs are no longer really offering what was once out there how do is it overcome. What, if any, are the alternatives as for many of us we have stopped going to clubs as often as we used to or at all. I don’t have it but what I have seen is an increase in the number of private parties where we can indulge our hedonism to the max. Maybe Fetish and BDSM clubs will become one of the other with the BDSM moving back underground in the same way it was in the ‘80’s. I don’t know but one this is for sure. Those of us who love to play and play hard will always be around and we will always be comfortable doing what we do regardless of those who go to see and be seen.

Have BDSM forums had their day?

Just recently I have been reflecting on the way I use the internet to communicate with others and how it has changed over the years and especially in the last two years how I have moved from looking at and contributing to BDSM related forums to using more social media centric sites such as twitter and Facebook.

Back in about 2001 I think, a new site appeared in the UK that was focussed very specifically on the Pro-Domme scene to offer a listings service and message board that soon morphed into a very active forum with a huge amount of debate on the many aspects of BDSM taking place. You could freely express your views and felt safe that you were not going to be shot down in flames from others just because your views were different from the others.

But of course, that could not last. The site grew and grew to over 5000 members. Some just to browse and read the reviews section (you had to be a member to access that particular part of the board) but many started to post to vehemently oppose the opinion of the original poster. People would create multiple identities and owners of other boards would come to post their own views and try to promote their board. The board had, for many, became a place where they could hide and express themselves in the way they wanted to be seen rather than they way they actually were. Many, who had so little experience, tried to tell those when many years experience how their views were the only one worth considering and any other point of view was not worth considering. Others became emotionally attached to the board, dragging other members into their shoddy lives and forming little cliques or them and us. If you were not part of the clique then you did not count. Moderators left in disgust and shame as the board just went into decline and I, along with many others took the decision that we it was not worth being a member and just left. Stopped posting and moved on with our lives. I was, amongst the submissive males there, one of a minority who was actually active in the BDSM scene that actually existed in real life. I was (and still am) a regular club goer and party attendee. I played on a regular basis both one-2-one and in groups and of course had my strong exhibitionist streak catered to by appearing in fetish films.

For about a year or so, I maintained an online silence not even looking at the newly re-incarnated version of the board. I did not miss it and to be honest found it quite good that I was not looking at board constantly, paranoid that I would miss something.

Then, about three years ago I found twitter and it was if a totally new world had opened up. Here was a place where I could be who I am with little fear of criticism. I could choose who I wanted to speak with and follow. No more putting up with people who I did not like. I found people I knew, had met and who I wanted to meet. But how was if different to a message board or forum. Why was it so different. It took a little while before it really came to me and it was the need to compress your thoughts into 140 characters, to put your thoughts into a short message. It was far more conversational than a forum where people would and still do regularly write essay length opinions. Twitter of course has its downsides. It can of course become addictive seeing how many followers you get, how many retweets you get etc. But with twitter I find I can leave it and just dip into it when I want. I can just read it and never respond or I can engage in lengthy conversations with others. Then of course there is Facebook.

Facebook is my very public persona and actually I have two Facebook accounts. One very very vanilla with family, friends from work etc. The other, well that is totally fetish centric. Again, I send friend requests to people I know in the fetish scene and in turn receive requests. The two (twitter and Facebook) co-exist to form good public profile that  I control and others interact with. There are no arguments, no  flaming wars, no bickering. The message board offered me none of that. Each post I made ran the risk of being jumped on or attacked and I found myself self-moderating my posts and becoming someone very different to who I wanted to be or indeed was.

As I write this I start to think about this blog and what it represents. I suppose in some ways it could almost be seen as a replacement for my posting on forums. In some ways I suppose it is but I find I can be far more expressive here than I ever was on the forums and believe me, I was pretty expressive there.

So am I alone in my thought? I realise I have not really answered the question but I do see that most boards seem to have declined in activity and the active users count is pretty low on most boards. They have, in many ways, become ubiquitous and with Mistresses, listing sites and many others all setting up forums as it was seen the right thing to do. But now we have Facebook pages and to a lesser degree now, MySpace. We have twitter and we have a far more tolerant social media site in Fetlife that we ever had before. So, yes, I do believe Forums are dead but they will never really die as there will always be those who want to show the world that your opinion is the wrong opinion no matter what.

Going wild in the country

So, finally the day arrived, the one so many of had been waiting for – The English Mansion Femdom Summer Ball. Much anticipation had been occurring on various boards and over twitter and it was going to be a great day for all that were going. The original plan was that I would be going with Mistress and be under her “protection” but of course the best laid plans etc. meant that due to circumstances beyond Her control She was unable to make it and I was going to have to go solo..

Bags packed, outfit ready (yes outfits as I could never just take one as I do have a latex fetish and an exhibitionist fetish to release) toys all ready I headed down to the West Country for the day. Now up until the 25th May, the weather in England had been fantastic for the time of year. Sunny, hot, dry.. Of course that had to end and it came to an end on the 26th May. Wind, rain, cloud .. not exactly the weather we were hoping for I have to admit but none the less I was sure there would be contingency planning as Mistress Sidonia, the fantastic host, is the Mistress of organisation.

Once I arrived at the designated parking area (see, I told you She was organised) I made my way to the house (and what a house) to say hello and say lots of activity going on but also lots of tranny maids already there dressed and preparing glasses, drinks etc. Amazing. Got changed (once I had decided what to wear) and saw an old friend had also arrived so of course that just meant I had to chat whilst waiting for the coaches (what can I say.. organisation) arrived from London and Birmingham bearing more party goers.

Now, this bit gets slightly complicated. There were a system of coloured wrist bands that designated what you were into. I had opted for a couple  with the previous expectation that Mistress would be with me. However as this had changed and as I was well known to the “house” Lady Nina Birch thought I should have an everything goes  no limits black band! Given my single loathing of CP and Caning, I was not sure this was the best idea but to late, the deed was done and I was sent out to join the masses and say hello to many of the Mistresses I either knew in person and had chatted to over twitter.

Well the day went one, the time passed so quickly! Of course, being the slut I am (in so many meanings of the word) I indulged myself in play with Mistress Rouge, once again bending over for Her and being buggered with her strap-on in front of the crowd over a glass floor with me being trampled by Mistress Velour at the same time as having my legs held up by Mistress Esme and Madame Caramel whilst wearing a gas mask! You had to be there but it worked!

But later on in the day, finally meeting Mistress Jezabel was a treat and finding a Mistress who is of such a like mind to mine that resulted in a gorgeous sensual and painful needle play session. She is clearly a sadist and mixed with my overwhelming masochistic desires we clicked leading to me just floating away into a happy place whilst having my flesh punctured.

I will write more but of course my thanks have to go out to Mistress Sidonia, Her partner and all the others that helped make it a great day.  

Caning it.

I make no secret of the fact that I hate the cane. It is a deep rooted hatred, to the point I am prepared to walk away if told I am going to get it. It’s the physics involved in the blow. All that pressure in one small line across the arse cheeks is not for me I’m afraid. Now, a good hard flogging across the back and shoulders, or the sting of a single tail on the back – well that just sends me to a very happy place and one I love going to.

So, why do I mention this. Well I have also never made any secret that I have no issue with drugs and playing when under the influence creates a different dynamic to when fully sober and aware and here comes the point of this. The other night, when with some friends we decided to have bit of a play. Three people, one submissive (me) and two Dommes makes for a happy man, especially when one of the party is a very sexy TS.

We had already taken some chemicals, as that is the way we are. One thing lead to another and I found myself bound over a stool unable to move. I could hear much discussion and giggling when they both came into view and a cane in hand. They know my hatred and have always steered clear of it in the past. But now, if I wanted what I really wanted, I would have to take 18 strikes. No complaining, no swearing, just acceptance. Here’s the rub though. Being slightly high, as they say, I was happy to do pretty much anything to get what I wanted so said yes, bring it on.

Now, I am not going to say I enjoyed it but I was in a very different place under chemical influence than I would normally be with the result that I took 18 fairly hard strikes and duly got my reward! But did I enjoy it.. no. Not a single blow. I counted each one down knowing it was one less to to and now, as a result, have a striped arse that will take a week to heal.

Is there a moral here. Not really, but drugs do make you do the most stupid things at times and I am always lead by my cock and not my brain! At the end of the day, I had fun, got fucked and played with two great friends. What more can I ask for.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

I was asked recently by someone who had read my blog how much of what I had written was true. I have to be honest that I was slightly taken aback by the question seemed to imply that I was either making up the content or, at the very least, exaggerating the reality. The fact is that all that have I written about, when I talk about events, rather than my thoughts of findom etc have happened. And this is only the stuff I write about! Over the years there has been a lot more that I have never written about, parties I have been to, events at clubs or in sessions that for a BDSM outsider would seem almost implausible and stuff of fantasy.

One of the real pleasures of the life I have, from a fetish and BDSM perspective, is that very few things are taboo and if you want to try something new there are always people who will indulge you, assuming that is that what you want is legal etc. There are certain things that I can never understand such as castration (I love my cock way to much) which seems to be quite a common request to Mistresses or scat. Big no no having lived with a micro-biologist for many years! Otherwise I am open to pretty much anything and never really stop looking for new experiences. Whether I then write about them or not is something that I tend to think about. There is a part of me still that steers clear of criticism about my activities. I know areas such as strangulation, breath control etc cause deep divisions within the BDSM community so I avoid talking about them for that reason. In the same way, I have strong views of BDSM and sex that run contrary to many others especially those involved in PD. But I respect those views and therefore keep mine private. So, the stuff I write about, the thoughts I have are all mine and have all happened. And long may they continue to be so. With some exciting events coming up in the next month or so, I will be writing more I promise.

Collarme.com and why I hate it so much

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Ready for my close-up..

Once again I found myself involved in one of my favourite activities, that of filming for a BDSM site, in this case The English Mansion. Without doubt, this is probably one of the best sites from the UK, if not globally and it is always a fun day filming with them.

For the first time I worked one on one with the renowned and wonderful Mistress Sidonia who introduced me to a new painful pleasure, that of anal whipping. In brief, after being secured to a whipping bench, additional straps were then used to pull my arse cheeks further apart, Mistress Sidonia commenced using a variety of single tails on my arse hole. The pain was, as expected, quite intense but it was one of those moments when I forget who else is there and sink very quickly into that which we call sub-space, the endorphins giving me a rush as the pain very quickly becomes pleasure. This is something I will repeat given the immense feelings it gave me. When pictures are made available, I will see if I can post some.

Memories

Today, I met my favourite ever Domme/Mistress. Having moved away from London 5 years ago, to go back to Australia I was left in a strange sense limbo that took sometime to leave me. I had found with this Mistress someone who I could, without hesitation or condition give myself to totally. I never questioned what was going to occur and felt so safe it is hard to describe.

Then tonight, over dinner, all those feeling came rushing back in a flood of emotion that led to me outpouring my feelings I had at the time and how affected I was by her leaving. All this may seem very selfish but at the time I felt as if I would never find anyone to connect with again on the same level as I had with Her. But of course, things moved on and I did come serve a Mistress who took me on a very different journey to that I had been on and exposed me to areas of BDSM such as High Protocol where I found myself in an BDSM situation that I felt very at home with given the set of rules I was expected to exist within and my each and every action being dictated.

But just sitting opposite her last night, I felt all those emotions and desires well up again and a big part of me wanted to just kneel before Her and as I had done some many times in the past give myself over to Her without hesitation or conditions.

Finding myself again

It seems to have been so long since I last truly submitted and gave myself over without question, hesitation and unconditionally. The need that used to burn so strongly inside of me had gone away, or at the very least, had become less needy. But a chance invitation to a weekend away in Cornwall with some friends has changed that. It has shown me that really the desire is always there, the need to be owned will never go away.

Old feelings and desires were reignited and new experiences learnt. An inner fear was addressed and overcome, a barrier broken down. Even today I sit and bear the marks of a sustained beating across my back and shoulders with a feeling of happiness and inner satisfaction. I look down and can see the small marks left from the needles and know that I shall never not want that feeling of submission and pain. The chemical releases from the body, the high from endorphins coupled with the mental pleasure are so addictive that I had just been suppressing the need but now is it back as strong as ever.

So I have to thank those who made my weekend so memorable, so worthwhile and for allowing me to be the person I want to be rather than the person I have to be.

Suddenly, it all became clear.

The last few months have caused me concern. It is as a malaise of some sort and grew into apathy. Then today it hit me what was wrong. I am bored. Really really bored. Bored of going out to clubs, seeing the same people talk about the same things, the same cliques, the same sense that no-one and nothing has moved on. Of course, I am as just as much to blame! I go to the same clubs where I meet the same people. But this year, I have been out 3, 4 times and really I do not miss it. Some history may be due here. I went to my first fetish club over 25 years ago, in 1984 I think - Der Putsch. It was on a boat and run by Steve and Sadie who went on to run Westward Bound. I was very lucky I realise in that I made friends with some fetish insiders very quickly and was soon a regular face on the scene. Back in the 80’s there there not that many clubs to go to really. Der Putsch and Submission were the two main ones and interclub rivalries were rampant! There were many tales of Sadie banning people if she found out they had been to Submission!

I met some amazing people some of whom I still count as friends and many I still see out and about when I do go to clubs. For the next 8 years, I was a regular club goer and had a fine old time. But then, without warning I stopped. The feeling I have now was the feeling I had then. The relationship I was in was going wrong, I was tired of abusing my body in not a good way with the drugs that are almost an unwritten part of the scene and I just wanted out. The last time was a 10 year break and I wonder if it will be the same this time. The relationship I was in with Mistress has changed so much it is hard to really call it a Mistress/slave relationship anymore. There is only one club I enjoy going to nowadays, that being Pedestal. I miss Smack a lot and wish it would go back to the original venue but that will not happen of course. So, what do to. Hang up the chaps and call it a day or just carry on. I don’t know but I am sure an answer will come soon. But I am bored. Bored of being in chastity. Bored of stupid girls who think they are a Mistress because some idiot of a guy calls them it, bored of seeing ill-informed people try to foist their opinions and views on BDSM onto me as they one true light, bored of message boards that give a welcome but at the slightest transgression shoot the poster down in flames, bored of attitude of the press towards BDSM, bored of chastity, bored of cheap latex, bored bored bored bored bored.

What does a Goddess really want

There have been, over recent weeks, quite a few blog posts around the subject that all women (not just some, or a few but all!) are superior to me. But fortunately, there are some more sensible Goddesses out there who question this rationale and indeed look to debunk it all together.

What seems, to me, to be the issue is that so many men are trying to enter into the BDSM world without ever questioning why or what they want from it. It is to easy for most men to just say to a female, Mistress or Goddess or whatever superior form of address She wishes to take, “i will do anything for You Mistress” without thinking about it first and what that sounds like to the other party.

For me, if were to hear that, and now I am putting myself in the shoes, metaphorically, of the Female Dominant, it would sound as if I have just tried to say what you want to hear or what I think you want to hear. Indeed, I would hear someone who had put no thought into the statement at all. They had not tried to find out about me and they had no ability to express themselves in a way that was meaningful to a potential relationship.

Now, back in my sub shoes, I will admit that when I was younger and not a middle aged submissive as I am now, i did say it. But I was punished for doing so and punished in the worse way by being ignored and treated as if I did not exist. I had to understand what use I was to the Mistress, how I could serve Her and please Her in order for me to answer the question from Her, simply “what can you do for me”.
Of course, once you are able to answer this many Female Dominants are disarmed as it shows initiative on the part of the sub. It also shows that you care and are able to be more than a piece of meat. It shows more than anything you respect the Female and are capable of submitting properly.

Here endeth the lesson :)

Need

Life seems to have taken a lot of different turns over the last 6 months or so. One the one hand, I have been trying to open up to my partner and show her the BDSM side of my life but seemingly to no avail. As a consequence I still lead this secret life away from her and suspect I always will. I still post on various websites etc. as it's a way, to me, of retaining some sanity. My life, for over 30 years, has had elements of BDSM as part of it and i now realise that I cannot just walk away from it. It is as much as part of me today as it was 30 years ago. It is who I am in many respects and it dictates a lot of the decisions I make.

I find myself thinking about Mistress more and more as I know that the form of submission and freedoms I am allowed is one that found made the most sense. It was, whilst formalised and ritualised, also the most simple. There were no complications. She is the Mistress, I am the slave. Simple. The desire to submit is as ever there and will never diminish However, the last time we, for want of a better word, played was over a year ago and whilst I have had mini-session, so to speak at clubs, parties and the such the need to be hurt and submit totally to Mistress burns as strong today as it ever has. But how do I approach Mistress after so long and ask for a formal session. Of course, deep down I know how but my procrastination surprises me. Do i fear rejection? Or has the relationship changed with Mistress and we have become to friendly and therefore the dynamics of the relationship changed so much that I would be unable to get into the mind set needed for a session.

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income Saw this report from New York. In many ways it mirrors what is happening in London as well. However, the downside is that it leads to a state where there is a distinct lack of quality and with the long term providers now having to compete for a lot less business.

Not sure if it is good thing or bad but definitely a sign of the times.