How much more mainstream can it get??

Today, reading the online edition of The Sun I realised that my fetish clubbing days could be over! For those that do not know her, or are unaware of her, in the UK we blessed (irony) with having one of the most publicity seeking individuals ever born who goes by the name of Katie Price, AKA Jordan whose life is regularly lived through the tabloids and commercial TV (and for the sum of £2 a month you can follow her on her website!!)

Recently it seems she went to a Masked Ball for Halloween in Hampton Court, the Bloodlust Ball, and from there onto Torture Garden where I had the misfortune to see her and her merry band arrive in a way that only meant she was there to have her picture taken and get some media inches.

Now Torture Garden is OK. Not my favourite club as it has always been more about being seen to be there than BDSM so I probably only go a couple of times a year. But now, I read this and it seems that Miss Price may well be attending TG every month.

Fortunately Jordan, Katie Price, call her what you will, is going to be out of the country for awhile appearing on I'm A (micro)Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (IACGMOOH), the show that tries to resurrect failed showbiz careers, and therefore will not be attending TG for a few months. But what happens when she comes back? Can we expect to see her and her entourage at other London clubs? Will Pedestal suddenly become her regular haunt? What about Club Rub or Subversion? It is the duty of the owners of these clubs to ban her and I hope they do. The majority of clubbers do not want her there, of that I am sure and I am confident she would be totally ignored by most people if she were to turn up.

When publicity hounds such as this start to attend clubs you know it is over. They have lost their mystique and almost their cachet. Maybe it is time to hang up the chaps and just indulge in private. Time will tell and I suspect that actually, we will never see her again. Who knows.

Memories

Today, I met my favourite ever Domme/Mistress. Having moved away from London 5 years ago, to go back to Australia I was left in a strange sense limbo that took sometime to leave me. I had found with this Mistress someone who I could, without hesitation or condition give myself to totally. I never questioned what was going to occur and felt so safe it is hard to describe.

Then tonight, over dinner, all those feeling came rushing back in a flood of emotion that led to me outpouring my feelings I had at the time and how affected I was by her leaving. All this may seem very selfish but at the time I felt as if I would never find anyone to connect with again on the same level as I had with Her. But of course, things moved on and I did come serve a Mistress who took me on a very different journey to that I had been on and exposed me to areas of BDSM such as High Protocol where I found myself in an BDSM situation that I felt very at home with given the set of rules I was expected to exist within and my each and every action being dictated.

But just sitting opposite her last night, I felt all those emotions and desires well up again and a big part of me wanted to just kneel before Her and as I had done some many times in the past give myself over to Her without hesitation or conditions.

Finding myself again

It seems to have been so long since I last truly submitted and gave myself over without question, hesitation and unconditionally. The need that used to burn so strongly inside of me had gone away, or at the very least, had become less needy. But a chance invitation to a weekend away in Cornwall with some friends has changed that. It has shown me that really the desire is always there, the need to be owned will never go away.

Old feelings and desires were reignited and new experiences learnt. An inner fear was addressed and overcome, a barrier broken down. Even today I sit and bear the marks of a sustained beating across my back and shoulders with a feeling of happiness and inner satisfaction. I look down and can see the small marks left from the needles and know that I shall never not want that feeling of submission and pain. The chemical releases from the body, the high from endorphins coupled with the mental pleasure are so addictive that I had just been suppressing the need but now is it back as strong as ever.

So I have to thank those who made my weekend so memorable, so worthwhile and for allowing me to be the person I want to be rather than the person I have to be.

Suddenly, it all became clear.

The last few months have caused me concern. It is as a malaise of some sort and grew into apathy. Then today it hit me what was wrong. I am bored. Really really bored. Bored of going out to clubs, seeing the same people talk about the same things, the same cliques, the same sense that no-one and nothing has moved on. Of course, I am as just as much to blame! I go to the same clubs where I meet the same people. But this year, I have been out 3, 4 times and really I do not miss it. Some history may be due here. I went to my first fetish club over 25 years ago, in 1984 I think - Der Putsch. It was on a boat and run by Steve and Sadie who went on to run Westward Bound. I was very lucky I realise in that I made friends with some fetish insiders very quickly and was soon a regular face on the scene. Back in the 80’s there there not that many clubs to go to really. Der Putsch and Submission were the two main ones and interclub rivalries were rampant! There were many tales of Sadie banning people if she found out they had been to Submission!

I met some amazing people some of whom I still count as friends and many I still see out and about when I do go to clubs. For the next 8 years, I was a regular club goer and had a fine old time. But then, without warning I stopped. The feeling I have now was the feeling I had then. The relationship I was in was going wrong, I was tired of abusing my body in not a good way with the drugs that are almost an unwritten part of the scene and I just wanted out. The last time was a 10 year break and I wonder if it will be the same this time. The relationship I was in with Mistress has changed so much it is hard to really call it a Mistress/slave relationship anymore. There is only one club I enjoy going to nowadays, that being Pedestal. I miss Smack a lot and wish it would go back to the original venue but that will not happen of course. So, what do to. Hang up the chaps and call it a day or just carry on. I don’t know but I am sure an answer will come soon. But I am bored. Bored of being in chastity. Bored of stupid girls who think they are a Mistress because some idiot of a guy calls them it, bored of seeing ill-informed people try to foist their opinions and views on BDSM onto me as they one true light, bored of message boards that give a welcome but at the slightest transgression shoot the poster down in flames, bored of attitude of the press towards BDSM, bored of chastity, bored of cheap latex, bored bored bored bored bored.

The things I hate about chastity

Here is the dilemma. In itself, chastity is quite comforting. To me, there is an inner peace I reach when I am locked up in a CB and unable to touch myself. It removes issues from my life and works to make me more productive, less stressed. Really.. it does. I am not making this shit up. For a long time I mocked chastity but of course I had never really tried it. It was only when I started to experiment on myself and then found others who wanted me locked up that I started to realise this. But of course there are downsides. Several!

1. Sitting down to pee

It is not natural! I am used to standing up, unzipping and just letting it go. Never really needing to queue or have to wait. Now, if I am out in public I have to use the toilet rather then the urinal. I have to invariably queue and when I do get to use it, often or not it is disgusting. Men are pigs and I have only really started to see that. 

2. Lack of sleep

I now wake up, regularly at 4am and 5am with that painful feeling that I am erect and it has nothing to do with sex! So, I have to get up and pee (see above) to relieve the pain and then fall asleep again for an hour when I have to repeat the process. I have started drinking less towards the end of the day and ensure that I pee as much as I can before I go to bed but still, every night I wake up at 4am and then at 5am

3. Crushing my balls

I have sat down, stood up, leant over, lifted my feet up. You name it I have tried it. But putting socks on is not fun as now, no matter what, I end up crushing my balls. The CB trapping them to my leg and seemingly wanting to smash them and crush them. It hurts OK and I am now seeming to spend more time than ever to put socks on. I may start going bare foot but I suspect work will have an issue with that

4. It is noticeable??

I have, when wearing trousers, noticed that when I sit down it has a habit of riding up! So, I have to very carefully push it down and hope no-one notices what I am doing. Whilst it does to the excitement, I do not want others to feel that I am playing with my cock constantly! So I before I sit down I try to subtly push the CB down between my legs and tug it away, so to speak. But generally it is not noticeable under trousers or jeans. 

5. Hygiene

Thanks to 1. above and general daily stuff, the thing can get smelly quite quickly. I shower every day and have so far kept it quite clean but I do wonder what will happen for longer periods of being locked up with no release. Time will tell I suppose.

A new head fuck

So, it has been awhile since I have written anything. In part there is a general malaise about me that is very work related and the desire to write has not been there. Also, Twitter has been, in a way, replacing my blog.

But, there are things that happen that can only really be fully written down in a blog as Twitter does of course have it’s limitations.

So, what’s new. Well, I went to Pedestal the other week with Mistress. It was pretty average if I am honest and had an interesting run in with a Dungeon Nazi who pointed out that I am not allowed to talk in the Goddess room unless I am being spoken to. When I replied I was told not to speak. Pointing out the stupidity of this rule did not endure me to her but so what. I hate to say but I was into this whole scene before she was born and occasionally forget some stupid rules.

Pedestal was also close to my birthday and in part it was a night out for that as well. I had been promised a very special present when we got back after the club and of course, it was this I wanted more than anything, almost like a kid in a candy store.

When we got back, a few drinks later, i was told to strip and lay over the chair. Needles were used to create a very nice bird shape on the back. But needles are not new to me. The music was playing hard trance and then the new toy, the medical stapler came out. This was a new buzz and to have 10 staples down the stomach, then laced up and as i breath in, they are pulled tighter together just sent me into the biggest endorphin rush i have had for years. The combination of the needles, the music, Mistresses soothing voice and the staples was just a complete head fuck and all i knew was that i was floating in a sea of pain that was totally delicious. A masochists dream.

Sadly, like all good things, it came to an end and as i came down i could feel the staples quite clearly. But what a rush. Who says you cannot teach old dogs new tricks!

What does a Goddess really want

There have been, over recent weeks, quite a few blog posts around the subject that all women (not just some, or a few but all!) are superior to me. But fortunately, there are some more sensible Goddesses out there who question this rationale and indeed look to debunk it all together.

What seems, to me, to be the issue is that so many men are trying to enter into the BDSM world without ever questioning why or what they want from it. It is to easy for most men to just say to a female, Mistress or Goddess or whatever superior form of address She wishes to take, “i will do anything for You Mistress” without thinking about it first and what that sounds like to the other party.

For me, if were to hear that, and now I am putting myself in the shoes, metaphorically, of the Female Dominant, it would sound as if I have just tried to say what you want to hear or what I think you want to hear. Indeed, I would hear someone who had put no thought into the statement at all. They had not tried to find out about me and they had no ability to express themselves in a way that was meaningful to a potential relationship.

Now, back in my sub shoes, I will admit that when I was younger and not a middle aged submissive as I am now, i did say it. But I was punished for doing so and punished in the worse way by being ignored and treated as if I did not exist. I had to understand what use I was to the Mistress, how I could serve Her and please Her in order for me to answer the question from Her, simply “what can you do for me”.
Of course, once you are able to answer this many Female Dominants are disarmed as it shows initiative on the part of the sub. It also shows that you care and are able to be more than a piece of meat. It shows more than anything you respect the Female and are capable of submitting properly.

Here endeth the lesson :)

Going out

Went to a new “old” club last night. New in that the venue has changed, old because it is a club that has been going for some time in various guises. Once again it gave me the excuse to dress up in my favourite fetish material, latex and going in the knowledge that I am going to get a really good thrashing across my back with some new floggers. This I know because I have been told by a friend who is a well regard Mistress that she intends to do so!

I could go on about the club, but to be honest, clubs are pretty much like each other. Usual crowd, some new faces and lots of old ones. Lots of people make the effort to dress up in fetish attire and provide plenty of eye-candy for those who are at a club for the first time. I suppose I should not be surprised after so many years of going to clubs, but still am, at the number of people who just gawp when they see someone dressed in an overtly sexual way. Still, I am sure I was also like that many years ago as well.

It was not a busy night but enough people to make a good evening. As promised, I was thrashed. Hard, long, repeatedly. I was in and out of that special place many call subspace and was on a buzz for a long time afterwards. Who needs chemicals when I get that feeling from something I love.

But the highlight for me was meeting one of favourite people in the London fetish scene and being asked to play. For the next hour, I was who I truly want to be – submissive, masochistic and fetishistic. Hooded, tied, and tortured on my nipples and genitals. If I did not know better, I would say I am in love!

Getting home later, whilst tired, I cannot sleep as I replay the events of last night. It was how it used to be with Mistress and how I wish it still were.

Need

Life seems to have taken a lot of different turns over the last 6 months or so. One the one hand, I have been trying to open up to my partner and show her the BDSM side of my life but seemingly to no avail. As a consequence I still lead this secret life away from her and suspect I always will. I still post on various websites etc. as it's a way, to me, of retaining some sanity. My life, for over 30 years, has had elements of BDSM as part of it and i now realise that I cannot just walk away from it. It is as much as part of me today as it was 30 years ago. It is who I am in many respects and it dictates a lot of the decisions I make.

I find myself thinking about Mistress more and more as I know that the form of submission and freedoms I am allowed is one that found made the most sense. It was, whilst formalised and ritualised, also the most simple. There were no complications. She is the Mistress, I am the slave. Simple. The desire to submit is as ever there and will never diminish However, the last time we, for want of a better word, played was over a year ago and whilst I have had mini-session, so to speak at clubs, parties and the such the need to be hurt and submit totally to Mistress burns as strong today as it ever has. But how do I approach Mistress after so long and ask for a formal session. Of course, deep down I know how but my procrastination surprises me. Do i fear rejection? Or has the relationship changed with Mistress and we have become to friendly and therefore the dynamics of the relationship changed so much that I would be unable to get into the mind set needed for a session.

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income

As economy takes a hit, women become dominatrixes to pad their income Saw this report from New York. In many ways it mirrors what is happening in London as well. However, the downside is that it leads to a state where there is a distinct lack of quality and with the long term providers now having to compete for a lot less business.

Not sure if it is good thing or bad but definitely a sign of the times.

Filming – First pictures

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Interesting new blog – Female led relationships

I came across this blog today and it looks very good. Whilst I have no objection to the blogs written by Professional Dommes, (unlike Bitchy Jones for example) it is always good to see a blog written from the perspective of someone involved in a female led relationship.

Protest news

Following the protest on Sunday, a report of the protest appears here.

Whilst only about 100 actually turned out (blame the weather) I suspect this is not the last we have heard of it.

I want one

I have just seen this inflatable latex alien egg on the d.vote website. I have used some of their inflatable’s before and they are of the most outstanding quality. This has to be the best item I have ever seen and whilst it is not cheap, I think some serious saving up may be required.

Death of another freedom

Under this Labour Government, there have been many freedoms taken away or powers increased for the legal agencies in the UK.

On Sunday, there is a march to protest at the latest loss of freedom with a very badly drafted piece of legislation that comes into effect on Monday.

This is of course the ban on violent images that has been such a talking point amongst the BDSM and fetish communities.

The Consulting Adults Action Network are one of the many organisations that are showing public support against this and I, along with many others, will be there on Sunday to join the march against this as, not only do I probably possess many images that would fall foul of the legislation. In particular the following is of concern:

(6) An “extreme image” is an image which—
(a) falls within subsection (7), and
(b) is grossly offensive, disgusting or otherwise of an obscene character.
(7) An image falls within this subsection if it portrays, in an explicit and realistic way, any of the following—
(a) an act which threatens a person’s life,
(b) an act which results, or is likely to result, in serious injury to a person’s anus, breasts or genitals,
(c) an act which involves sexual interference with a human corpse, or
(d) a person performing an act of intercourse or oral sex with an animal (whether dead or alive).

Section 6b is so vague to make it almost a catch-all for any image that may involve many of the fetishes I adore such as needle play, flogging etc. Indeed, everything I have a picture of would seem to be fall into 6b.

I urge anyone from the UK to join in this and voice concern over this piece of diabolical legislation

Ever a truer word said in jest?

With my hatred of collerme.com growing by the day, I came across this site and just had to laugh as it seemed half the profiles on collerme.com must have read it and used the instructions.

Read it and enjoy.

Filming again

I have written in the past about doing film work for websites. It is, in my view, the best fun to be had with like minded people for free plus.. you even get paid!

After a few cancellations, I will be doing some work with a new site to me, although it has been around for quite awhile, and one whose blog I follow from time to time, namely Femdomfilms. Originally I would have been working with the lovely Strapon Jane who I have worked with before but for various reasons it was not to be. However, I was told today that the Domme would be Rebekka Raynor who I have only met the once at Pedestal.

So, that is something to look forward to in the next few weeks in these times of economic gloom I have to say.

A New Year

Well, its 9 days into 2009 and I suspect this is going to be a very grim year from a financial perspective. I know of many friends who have lost their jobs, working in the financial sector as I do and as a consequence they are looking at their lifestyle and what can be cut back. Fetish would seem to be high on the list.

Still, we cannot help the way we are programmed and for me, I cannot imagine a life where it did not involve indulging myself in latex and pain when the urge takes me (which is pretty much all of the time I suspect). One couple who seem to have a fantastic sex life and a lot of fun are Alex and Suze whose blog I discovered for the first time this weekend (I was searching for something totally unrelated but such is the nature of Google) and it made for some very funny and at times erotic reading.

I have already ventured out once this year to a fetish club, going to Suberversion. Now, this is a good club. But I HATE THE VENUE. Sorry but the venue sucks. I know there are issues with finding good venues for fetish clubs in London as licensing laws seems to be getting stricter. But The Hub is just not good. I suspect I will not go there again as I hate the venue so much. On the other hand, Pedestal is a great club with a great venue. So it can be done when needed and makes Pedestal a club I make every effort to attend.