There are times i hate myself and my life. It's always been this way ever since i can remember. i feel i have nothing to give others yet i take all i am given. i am selfish in so many ways that i feel i cannot start to describe them.
Over the last few weeks i have felt lower than i have for a long time. Trying to analyse it has not really helped as deep down i have know the reason why and it all comes down to loving a person in the past and when an anniversary comes along it reminds you of so much, the good times and the fun. We like to forget the bad times as they only cause pain. So all we look back on is what was.. the fun we had and never the arguments. That has been me over the last few weeks. The act is so selfish that i cannot excuse it. In so many ways i have what so many others want. There is a Mistress who i know that deep down is so wonderful it hurts. In a short time She has allowed me to see what i can do, what i am potentially capable of. But i am scared. Scared to really open up, to allow Her to see more of me and get to know me as a person as well as a submissive. This i know is ripping the relationship apart. The fact i am holding back, ignoring the feelings i have inside is so wrong yet even knowing this i cannot stop it. Whether it's just me having to high an expectation of myself i cannot answer but i know i have to address it otherwise i will not see the next 30 days let alone the next 300 out with Mistress Diva.
i find myself wanting to do so much but then holding back. i have tried so hard to complete the masturbation task but my lack of success in completing it makes me angry, an emotion i hate. i find myself thinking of Mistress Diva, wanting to be beside Her but know that i have to balance my "vanilla" life with that but then feel my non-DS life is taking over again and giving me no time to focus outside of this.
i am scared. i don't know how to change or what to do. i crave pain but even that is wrong as i crave pain in a way i want. i crave to be at Mistress Diva's foot, to worship Her heel, to feel the leather against my tongue. i want to drown in sensations, to lose myself in bondage. But i don't know how.
Saturday, 19 June 2004
Wednesday, 16 June 2004
Feeling down, lifted up
Friday. A not particularly good day. Lots of stress at work, aggro at home and few other things all contrived to make me feel down and in one of my rare funks. Not really felt like this for some time now as the situation with Mistress Diva has allowed me to focus on BDSM and other areas in a different way than before. But that said, i was feeling down and sorry for myself on Friday. So, on line chatting with Mistress Diva, telling Her this suddenly invitation to come over to Her house for a chat. Oh, and to bring my bag "just in case". So, eventually got over to Mistress Diva's house, remembering the address and how to get there. Was not sure of what to expect but i was surprised to be asked to attend a private party with Mistress Diva. Now this was not what i was expecting but if it was designed to lift my mood it worked without doubt. i felt all fluttery and nervous inside as apart from Pedestal i had not been with Mistress Diva as her slave in a public place. i was given a few tasks to carry out, to get some food & drink before leaving. That done, we left for High Wycombe for the party. Mistress Diva looked lovely, something i always notice.
The party was a nice gathering and there were some people i knew there which always helps. i was there though for Mistress Diva and i found myself kneeling beside Mistress Diva feeling happy and comfortable. Was this really me i thought to myself. But inner thoughts did worry me in that it could be perceived that i had acted petulant and was hoping subconsciously that something like this would happen. In reality i was amazed that Mistress Diva invited me over and it would never be something i would have tried to manipulate to happen.
Mistress Diva had a new "toy" with Her. Her short single tail whip. It was going to prove interesting when Mistress Diva tried out the whip on me as i have never, and i mean never ever, been whipped before. Pain to me is something that is quite specific and the ability to gain pleasure from pain exists in a band that i can not explain easily. But at best, it's pain that is delivered in a way that is not biting, in the way a cane does. So in light of this, i was actually dreading being whipped. When i was told to stand with my back to Mistress Diva, i tried hard to relax and move in to the pain. To my surprise, it was not an un-pleasurable sensation. It resonated in a way with small pin pricks to the skin, leaving an after-glow a few seconds later. It was very different to flogging and no-where near as horrible as being caned. The only time i found it uncomfortable was when it bit into the top of my neck. But looking back, i would like to experience it again, building up in intensity to see where it goes.
Time seemed to go very quickly and Mistress Diva made Her goodbyes and i was soon driving back down the motorway to take Mistress Diva home. i felt tired, but also very peaceful inside. Calm almost but feeling that this is what i like and just being there with Mistress Diva gives me an inner sense of well-being.
The party was a nice gathering and there were some people i knew there which always helps. i was there though for Mistress Diva and i found myself kneeling beside Mistress Diva feeling happy and comfortable. Was this really me i thought to myself. But inner thoughts did worry me in that it could be perceived that i had acted petulant and was hoping subconsciously that something like this would happen. In reality i was amazed that Mistress Diva invited me over and it would never be something i would have tried to manipulate to happen.
Mistress Diva had a new "toy" with Her. Her short single tail whip. It was going to prove interesting when Mistress Diva tried out the whip on me as i have never, and i mean never ever, been whipped before. Pain to me is something that is quite specific and the ability to gain pleasure from pain exists in a band that i can not explain easily. But at best, it's pain that is delivered in a way that is not biting, in the way a cane does. So in light of this, i was actually dreading being whipped. When i was told to stand with my back to Mistress Diva, i tried hard to relax and move in to the pain. To my surprise, it was not an un-pleasurable sensation. It resonated in a way with small pin pricks to the skin, leaving an after-glow a few seconds later. It was very different to flogging and no-where near as horrible as being caned. The only time i found it uncomfortable was when it bit into the top of my neck. But looking back, i would like to experience it again, building up in intensity to see where it goes.
Time seemed to go very quickly and Mistress Diva made Her goodbyes and i was soon driving back down the motorway to take Mistress Diva home. i felt tired, but also very peaceful inside. Calm almost but feeling that this is what i like and just being there with Mistress Diva gives me an inner sense of well-being.
Wednesday, 9 June 2004
Punishement
Finally, after much technical to and froeing i have my log back. Thank-you google.
As a result of my not telling Mistress Diva that i had failed my task when i met Her, i was given a punishment to complete as well as told to complete the task. The punishment is to masturbate 4 times, each time to completion and wait 10 minutes between each orgasm. Ok i thought, how hard can that be (no pun intended). First one was OK. Erection subside, wait, start again. Ok again. But then the third one. Cock did not get as hard as before but was still semi-erect. Took awhile longer and a lot of imagination. i found myself thinking of the most bizarre thoughts in order to cum. My imagination took me to SM scenes played out in my head and some of the more erotic activities i have enjoyed in the past. Finally i managed to ejactulate if thats what it can be called. But now of course i had to do another. 10 minutes wait. Then start again. My cock did not want to respond. More mental images, more wanking, finally some repsonse. But this time about 10 minutes of action before i could feel the usual build-up of tensions and orgasm close. When it did come, nothing. i was totally dry. i realised the reason for the punishment of course, but now understood the effect. Masturbation can be a pleasure but also made a chore. The pleasure removed by the simple act of repetition.
As a result of my not telling Mistress Diva that i had failed my task when i met Her, i was given a punishment to complete as well as told to complete the task. The punishment is to masturbate 4 times, each time to completion and wait 10 minutes between each orgasm. Ok i thought, how hard can that be (no pun intended). First one was OK. Erection subside, wait, start again. Ok again. But then the third one. Cock did not get as hard as before but was still semi-erect. Took awhile longer and a lot of imagination. i found myself thinking of the most bizarre thoughts in order to cum. My imagination took me to SM scenes played out in my head and some of the more erotic activities i have enjoyed in the past. Finally i managed to ejactulate if thats what it can be called. But now of course i had to do another. 10 minutes wait. Then start again. My cock did not want to respond. More mental images, more wanking, finally some repsonse. But this time about 10 minutes of action before i could feel the usual build-up of tensions and orgasm close. When it did come, nothing. i was totally dry. i realised the reason for the punishment of course, but now understood the effect. Masturbation can be a pleasure but also made a chore. The pleasure removed by the simple act of repetition.
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