Moving on.. in many ways a bit of a horror. Not the organisers fault really but does make you wonder if you want to go again. i had forgotten of course one very important thing! At the party, i had confessed to Mistress Diva my long admiration of Her and that it was only Her going that made me want to go. But then i was knocked back a bit when She said "I know. I have wondered why You have not contacted me before". Took me aback slightly. Is She that intuitive? Or am i just that obvious?
So what to do. i had met Mistress Diva and times in the evening felt so at one, so connected it was like a bolt of lightning and the level of trust i had was immense. i could gush like this for ever, but i had a more pressing problem and probably needed some advice. Only one place to turn, confident and friend M**. So sent her a quick message and then phoned. I knew that Mistress Diva would be seeing M** that weekend and probably had some feedback to how the party went. Anyway, we caught on gossip and i told her my dilemma. As ever good advice given back. Contact Her i was told, and it would be fine. So, that was that. Made up my mind to email Mistress Diva.
Looking at the website of Mistress Diva, i noticed, for the first time, that there was a yahoo group for devotees of Mistress Diva! Fantastic i thought, i can use this to show my devotion and perhaps get to know Mistress Diva even more. So i joined. Had to wait for it to be accepted and then, nothing. The group seemed to be set up wrong. i could post but not see the posts. i also took huge risk and added Mistress Diva to my yahoo contact list. This was a huge risk of course as She would have every right to say no and refuse me adding Her. It was worth it though as i meant i could perhaps contact Mistress Diva and chat, no pressures, just be myself etc.
Few days later, on Yahoo, Mistress Diva appears on Yahoo. i ping a quick hello, how are You etc. Fantastic.. Mistress Diva responds. Interesting tag line.. "don't bore me". Will keep that in mind. Say nice to have seen You at party, apologies for the way it ended etc etc. Then tell Mistress Diva, i am thinking of going to the party at Ess&Emm. We chat some more until Mistress Diva has to go. Now of course, i cannot stop thinking about Mistress Diva and it seem that i look at Her website every day at least twice trying to gleam something else that i might have missed. i dance around the bush a bit, metaphorically, trying to show that i can be a true submissive to Mistress Diva and that i can be trusted as i know this will be an issue given the people we know in common. The chats go on, and with each chat i expose a bit more of myself and learn a bit more about Mistress Diva, Her style of domination, Her beliefs in DS etc. It seems that i am thinking of Mistress Diva with every waking moment. Very distracting, especially given the situation at work and some of the pressures there. Have to focus on work and not allow this to distract me in the way it has been doing so. In the meantime, i call Mistress Katya about the event at Her place on 31st. Say i would like to go and will confirm before the event (more of that later!). Suddenly, my birthday is upon me. God, 43 years old. Still think i have a mental age of 25. Counselling session on thursday and i know that will discuss this problem of my issues with being an adult. The yahoo chats have taken a new dimension. Mistress Diva has offered me something that i don't know how to deal with at this moment. i have never really considered a contractual relationship with a Mistress but suddenly, here it is. i am being given a chance that i suspect will never come along again and i know that i have to repond properly but also not take too long either. The last week has been interesting on so many levels. There is no "cyber" domination goin on, but i do seem to be opening my heart upto Mistress Diva in ways i don't with Jo, my real-life therapist. Well, we are almost upto to date. One more week to reflect on. But i am sure in my heart and mind that i want to be a contractal submissive to Mistress Diva and all that that entails (which i am sure will be a lot).
Wednesday, 31 March 2004
Tuesday, 30 March 2004
My thoughts, feelings emotions. To be honest, they have been totally turned upside down in the last few weeks. It was on the 5th March that i finally had a dream come true in that i got to meet Mistress Diva, in a formal environment, albeit at a pay and play party in West London. I had not really wanted to go as part of was fighting against my desire for DS but when i saw that Mistress Diva was going to be in attendance and after multiple checks with the organiser to make sure She was going to be there i booked my place.
So, the big night came. i, as per my usual anal self, arrived early and waited. Then at the dot of 7.30 entered to be greeted by an element of chaos and a tiny playspace. But it was too late and i went to get changed into some suitable fetish attire. Chaps, jock-strap, wrist cuffs and collar. Waiting in the play-room, i heard a voice i knew well and suddenly, Mistress Diva entered. There was a look of surprise, quickly hidden as i guess Mistress Diva did not realise i would be there and having met a few times on the social scene i was not sure whether i would be seen as someone worthy of Her time! But i knew i had to try. So, waiting for Mistress Diva to return, i thought what would happen if i was just told no! i had no idea really!
Mistress Diva returned and we said hello. It seemed a very natural act for me to just kneel down beside Her and talk. The sense of it being correct, as if it was something i had done a 100 times before seemed to overwhelm me. But that is the only way i can describe it really. Then the horror of the night entered the room! A "Mistress" who seemed to assume that DS is all about shouting and making sure everyone knew She was the boss, so to speak. This was not my taste at all. i looked as Mistress Diva, and i seemed so sense that She did not want this either. "Protect me from Her" i asked in a half joking way. Then the words that have really changed my whole world were asked... "Would you like to be My slave for the night"? i knew there and then that i did and it was my chance to show that i was not just this tart who went to clubs and parties and really just played around. i could give my submission to Mistress Diva in a way that showed the real me, the sub male who was more then just a player at parties. With almost indecent haste i suspect, i said yes, i would like that. "What can You give me" i was asked. Oh god, i had to think! i know... my favourite. "i can be flogged hard Mistress Diva" was my reply. Good answer i hoped, especially as i had my two favourite floggers with me. But then we encountered the first problem. The room was really small and no way could a flogger be used at full swing in the room. i know, lets use the front door. So, no ropes straps etc... i stood in front of the door and waited. My dreams had been answered. Sounds almost as if i had been stalking Mistress Diva but no. i had admired Her, thought about contacting Her, put the phone down with one number to dial, deleted emails way to many times and now i was there. But i had more to prove i was sure.
i always like being flogged. It’s a feeling of warmth and really gets the blood flowing around the back and shoulders. Eventually, after a few interruptions, we returned to the main room. Now, this is not a blow by blow account, but two other things happened. After awhile, it seemed that i was dismissed from Mistress Diva. Now to be honest there were a lot of the other male subs around Her. Not surprising really given the other Mistresses there. Sounds really catty but its true. So i went and tried to have fun elsewhere. Nothing inspired me though and i found myself wanting to be back with Mistress Diva. Suitable contrite, i asked if i may return to kneel by Mistress Diva. Phew... permission given. Then, towards the end of the night, i was in total subspace. my eyes were locked to Mistress Diva as she applied a crop to me in a particularly nasty way. i was gone though and was in a space i love to be. Then it all went wrong when Mistress Drink To Much came and ruined it by playing with the pegs and telling Mistress Diva that i deserved this. i wanted to shout and scream at Her for this but what could i do. Mistress Diva i knew would leave and there was nothing i could do. So, that was that. Playtime ended, Mistress Diva on Her way back home and me left wondering if i could take this anywhere. Eventually i left the party, slightly down hearted but thinking whether i should write to Mistress Diva and see if i could see Her professionally. But at least, if nothing else, i knew that i wanted to serve Mistress Diva and had to figure out how.
So, the big night came. i, as per my usual anal self, arrived early and waited. Then at the dot of 7.30 entered to be greeted by an element of chaos and a tiny playspace. But it was too late and i went to get changed into some suitable fetish attire. Chaps, jock-strap, wrist cuffs and collar. Waiting in the play-room, i heard a voice i knew well and suddenly, Mistress Diva entered. There was a look of surprise, quickly hidden as i guess Mistress Diva did not realise i would be there and having met a few times on the social scene i was not sure whether i would be seen as someone worthy of Her time! But i knew i had to try. So, waiting for Mistress Diva to return, i thought what would happen if i was just told no! i had no idea really!
Mistress Diva returned and we said hello. It seemed a very natural act for me to just kneel down beside Her and talk. The sense of it being correct, as if it was something i had done a 100 times before seemed to overwhelm me. But that is the only way i can describe it really. Then the horror of the night entered the room! A "Mistress" who seemed to assume that DS is all about shouting and making sure everyone knew She was the boss, so to speak. This was not my taste at all. i looked as Mistress Diva, and i seemed so sense that She did not want this either. "Protect me from Her" i asked in a half joking way. Then the words that have really changed my whole world were asked... "Would you like to be My slave for the night"? i knew there and then that i did and it was my chance to show that i was not just this tart who went to clubs and parties and really just played around. i could give my submission to Mistress Diva in a way that showed the real me, the sub male who was more then just a player at parties. With almost indecent haste i suspect, i said yes, i would like that. "What can You give me" i was asked. Oh god, i had to think! i know... my favourite. "i can be flogged hard Mistress Diva" was my reply. Good answer i hoped, especially as i had my two favourite floggers with me. But then we encountered the first problem. The room was really small and no way could a flogger be used at full swing in the room. i know, lets use the front door. So, no ropes straps etc... i stood in front of the door and waited. My dreams had been answered. Sounds almost as if i had been stalking Mistress Diva but no. i had admired Her, thought about contacting Her, put the phone down with one number to dial, deleted emails way to many times and now i was there. But i had more to prove i was sure.
i always like being flogged. It’s a feeling of warmth and really gets the blood flowing around the back and shoulders. Eventually, after a few interruptions, we returned to the main room. Now, this is not a blow by blow account, but two other things happened. After awhile, it seemed that i was dismissed from Mistress Diva. Now to be honest there were a lot of the other male subs around Her. Not surprising really given the other Mistresses there. Sounds really catty but its true. So i went and tried to have fun elsewhere. Nothing inspired me though and i found myself wanting to be back with Mistress Diva. Suitable contrite, i asked if i may return to kneel by Mistress Diva. Phew... permission given. Then, towards the end of the night, i was in total subspace. my eyes were locked to Mistress Diva as she applied a crop to me in a particularly nasty way. i was gone though and was in a space i love to be. Then it all went wrong when Mistress Drink To Much came and ruined it by playing with the pegs and telling Mistress Diva that i deserved this. i wanted to shout and scream at Her for this but what could i do. Mistress Diva i knew would leave and there was nothing i could do. So, that was that. Playtime ended, Mistress Diva on Her way back home and me left wondering if i could take this anywhere. Eventually i left the party, slightly down hearted but thinking whether i should write to Mistress Diva and see if i could see Her professionally. But at least, if nothing else, i knew that i wanted to serve Mistress Diva and had to figure out how.
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