Gimme' the money because I'm worth it!

Pay pigs, money slave, human ATM's, cash slaves.. there are lots of descriptive terms for those who seem to want nothing more than to give a Mistress/Goddess/Princess money and get nothing in return. OK, nothing maybe harsh. They get the fleeting attention from the person they have sent money to. Or if not money, some from of gift certificate or seemingly more often nowadays something from an Amazon gift list. And it'sQ this attention that the above seem to crave more than anything. It all seems a bit..well...shallow if I'm honest. And, I suspect, a way of the unscrupulous (not all) taking advantage of those who seemingly enjoy this.

Don't get me wrong when I say this, as each of us is different, but I just don't get it. All well and good, if that's enough for you to get your rocks off. But for me.. no. I have to have more. I thrive when there is that physical contact between the Mistress and myself and i am there, in Your presence, kneeling, waiting for instruction or punishment. My own sense of wanting to serve extends far beyond just wanting to send a gift or money. My submissiveness is only fully realised when i am in the physical presence of the Mistress.  A big part of that is what I am. Primarily, i'm a masochist who submits. Yes, I am also submissive but that is not the be all and end all of what make me who I am. It's complicated at times but it usually works best when I manage to find a Mistress I really connect with. It's happened maybe three times in 30 years that I have had that unspoken connection with the Mistress and I have submitted without question or hesitation and accepted whatever was meted out. I will say now that I think  am close to that again but more of that later I hope.

So, for me the act of sending a monetary gift as the only form of submission does not really do anything for me. Of course though, I do like to show my appreciation to a Mistress..a birthday or Christmas gift etc but to only send money or a gift because that is what She demands has no meaning to me. There is no sense of wanting to do it, no sense of fulfillment in doing it. As I said, I need more.

Why I am writing this. Well, it's really for one person who I like and would love, one day, to meet up with. But this person (ok..Goddess), is a Fin Domme and we talk via social media now and then about this topic. Unfortunately, 140 words is not really enough to express all my thoughts and feelings on this so I'm writing here.  I did send Her a gift.. once. I truly wanted to see if I could sustain a relationship like that but it was very clear to me, very quickly, that I couldn't. The ever present carrot of meeting one day was not enough to keep me giving and whilst there is a sense of regret that I will probably never meet Her, I still harbour that desire.

I knew my cock would get me into trouble!

Here I am, once again, with my cock locked away in a chastity device all because I made a rash suggestion that someone said yes to.

Here’s what happened. I was meant to go and do some filming for a very well know Mistress who happens to love strap-on play. Through no fault of anyone it was cancelled to to Her not feeling well and I found myself shaved, douched and aroused! I was rummaging around in a toy bag and found my Birdlocked Neo that I have not worn for a year or so and just wondered what it would feel like on. So with no further ado, I put it on and snapped the lock shut.

Here’s where the trouble started. 

I have known Mistress R’eal for many years now.. having first met Her when i used to go to the infamous parties in London. Over the years we have become good friends and i still see Her from time to time to photograph and film. We had talked about chastity fantasies for some time and on the spur of the moment, i took a picture of myself locked up, sent it Her via Her twitter account asking if She wanted the key..initially as a joke. Quick as a flash came back the answer Yes!!

Mmm.. bad thoughts came to my mind as they do and feeling as horny as i was, we negotiated the terms, fines etc and initial length of time and i posted the key off to Her with no further ado.

Of course, after a few hours the reality came home to roost and now i find myself locked up, the key held by one of my Mistress friends who i know will not allow me any release before the agreed date no matter how hard i plea and beg. I have no doubt She is really enjoying this as for a long time i have talked about this with Her but always in a joking way, that was never meant to go anywhere.. but now i have gone and done it. So, i will keep a diary and no doubt some of the thoughts will appear on my twitter feed over the coming days.

Me and my stupid cock. I need to learn to ignore it as it gets me into a lot of trouble and this time my bluff was called and i lost.

Have BDSM forums had their day?

Just recently I have been reflecting on the way I use the internet to communicate with others and how it has changed over the years and especially in the last two years how I have moved from looking at and contributing to BDSM related forums to using more social media centric sites such as twitter and Facebook.

Back in about 2001 I think, a new site appeared in the UK that was focussed very specifically on the Pro-Domme scene to offer a listings service and message board that soon morphed into a very active forum with a huge amount of debate on the many aspects of BDSM taking place. You could freely express your views and felt safe that you were not going to be shot down in flames from others just because your views were different from the others.

But of course, that could not last. The site grew and grew to over 5000 members. Some just to browse and read the reviews section (you had to be a member to access that particular part of the board) but many started to post to vehemently oppose the opinion of the original poster. People would create multiple identities and owners of other boards would come to post their own views and try to promote their board. The board had, for many, became a place where they could hide and express themselves in the way they wanted to be seen rather than they way they actually were. Many, who had so little experience, tried to tell those when many years experience how their views were the only one worth considering and any other point of view was not worth considering. Others became emotionally attached to the board, dragging other members into their shoddy lives and forming little cliques or them and us. If you were not part of the clique then you did not count. Moderators left in disgust and shame as the board just went into decline and I, along with many others took the decision that we it was not worth being a member and just left. Stopped posting and moved on with our lives. I was, amongst the submissive males there, one of a minority who was actually active in the BDSM scene that actually existed in real life. I was (and still am) a regular club goer and party attendee. I played on a regular basis both one-2-one and in groups and of course had my strong exhibitionist streak catered to by appearing in fetish films.

For about a year or so, I maintained an online silence not even looking at the newly re-incarnated version of the board. I did not miss it and to be honest found it quite good that I was not looking at board constantly, paranoid that I would miss something.

Then, about three years ago I found twitter and it was if a totally new world had opened up. Here was a place where I could be who I am with little fear of criticism. I could choose who I wanted to speak with and follow. No more putting up with people who I did not like. I found people I knew, had met and who I wanted to meet. But how was if different to a message board or forum. Why was it so different. It took a little while before it really came to me and it was the need to compress your thoughts into 140 characters, to put your thoughts into a short message. It was far more conversational than a forum where people would and still do regularly write essay length opinions. Twitter of course has its downsides. It can of course become addictive seeing how many followers you get, how many retweets you get etc. But with twitter I find I can leave it and just dip into it when I want. I can just read it and never respond or I can engage in lengthy conversations with others. Then of course there is Facebook.

Facebook is my very public persona and actually I have two Facebook accounts. One very very vanilla with family, friends from work etc. The other, well that is totally fetish centric. Again, I send friend requests to people I know in the fetish scene and in turn receive requests. The two (twitter and Facebook) co-exist to form good public profile that  I control and others interact with. There are no arguments, no  flaming wars, no bickering. The message board offered me none of that. Each post I made ran the risk of being jumped on or attacked and I found myself self-moderating my posts and becoming someone very different to who I wanted to be or indeed was.

As I write this I start to think about this blog and what it represents. I suppose in some ways it could almost be seen as a replacement for my posting on forums. In some ways I suppose it is but I find I can be far more expressive here than I ever was on the forums and believe me, I was pretty expressive there.

So am I alone in my thought? I realise I have not really answered the question but I do see that most boards seem to have declined in activity and the active users count is pretty low on most boards. They have, in many ways, become ubiquitous and with Mistresses, listing sites and many others all setting up forums as it was seen the right thing to do. But now we have Facebook pages and to a lesser degree now, MySpace. We have twitter and we have a far more tolerant social media site in Fetlife that we ever had before. So, yes, I do believe Forums are dead but they will never really die as there will always be those who want to show the world that your opinion is the wrong opinion no matter what.