The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

I was asked recently by someone who had read my blog how much of what I had written was true. I have to be honest that I was slightly taken aback by the question seemed to imply that I was either making up the content or, at the very least, exaggerating the reality. The fact is that all that have I written about, when I talk about events, rather than my thoughts of findom etc have happened. And this is only the stuff I write about! Over the years there has been a lot more that I have never written about, parties I have been to, events at clubs or in sessions that for a BDSM outsider would seem almost implausible and stuff of fantasy.

One of the real pleasures of the life I have, from a fetish and BDSM perspective, is that very few things are taboo and if you want to try something new there are always people who will indulge you, assuming that is that what you want is legal etc. There are certain things that I can never understand such as castration (I love my cock way to much) which seems to be quite a common request to Mistresses or scat. Big no no having lived with a micro-biologist for many years! Otherwise I am open to pretty much anything and never really stop looking for new experiences. Whether I then write about them or not is something that I tend to think about. There is a part of me still that steers clear of criticism about my activities. I know areas such as strangulation, breath control etc cause deep divisions within the BDSM community so I avoid talking about them for that reason. In the same way, I have strong views of BDSM and sex that run contrary to many others especially those involved in PD. But I respect those views and therefore keep mine private. So, the stuff I write about, the thoughts I have are all mine and have all happened. And long may they continue to be so. With some exciting events coming up in the next month or so, I will be writing more I promise.

Suddenly, it all became clear.

The last few months have caused me concern. It is as a malaise of some sort and grew into apathy. Then today it hit me what was wrong. I am bored. Really really bored. Bored of going out to clubs, seeing the same people talk about the same things, the same cliques, the same sense that no-one and nothing has moved on. Of course, I am as just as much to blame! I go to the same clubs where I meet the same people. But this year, I have been out 3, 4 times and really I do not miss it. Some history may be due here. I went to my first fetish club over 25 years ago, in 1984 I think - Der Putsch. It was on a boat and run by Steve and Sadie who went on to run Westward Bound. I was very lucky I realise in that I made friends with some fetish insiders very quickly and was soon a regular face on the scene. Back in the 80’s there there not that many clubs to go to really. Der Putsch and Submission were the two main ones and interclub rivalries were rampant! There were many tales of Sadie banning people if she found out they had been to Submission!

I met some amazing people some of whom I still count as friends and many I still see out and about when I do go to clubs. For the next 8 years, I was a regular club goer and had a fine old time. But then, without warning I stopped. The feeling I have now was the feeling I had then. The relationship I was in was going wrong, I was tired of abusing my body in not a good way with the drugs that are almost an unwritten part of the scene and I just wanted out. The last time was a 10 year break and I wonder if it will be the same this time. The relationship I was in with Mistress has changed so much it is hard to really call it a Mistress/slave relationship anymore. There is only one club I enjoy going to nowadays, that being Pedestal. I miss Smack a lot and wish it would go back to the original venue but that will not happen of course. So, what do to. Hang up the chaps and call it a day or just carry on. I don’t know but I am sure an answer will come soon. But I am bored. Bored of being in chastity. Bored of stupid girls who think they are a Mistress because some idiot of a guy calls them it, bored of seeing ill-informed people try to foist their opinions and views on BDSM onto me as they one true light, bored of message boards that give a welcome but at the slightest transgression shoot the poster down in flames, bored of attitude of the press towards BDSM, bored of chastity, bored of cheap latex, bored bored bored bored bored.

Interesting new blog – Female led relationships

I came across this blog today and it looks very good. Whilst I have no objection to the blogs written by Professional Dommes, (unlike Bitchy Jones for example) it is always good to see a blog written from the perspective of someone involved in a female led relationship.

Does being dominant make you a domme?

I was reading an ad on one of the myriad of contact sites recently and one struck me in the words used by the poster - "I do like to be a very dominat woman!" (her spelling of the word not mine). I thought that in certain circumstances I like to be a very dominant man as well but that does not mean I want to be a Dom. Far from it. So, just because someone is dominant does that mean they make a good Domme. It is an essential quality?

Personally, I look for other qualities - extroverted but not aggressive, controlling but not overbearing, decisive but not impetuous, consistent, confident, honest and open, persuasive, caring, responsible, having a strong sense of self. But, if I look at this list I also see that a lot of this applies to myself. So where does the line divide between being submissive and being dominant when, to me, we seem to share many of the same characteristics. I suspect it is the desire to hand over that control and for someone to accept it and take control of someone who that defines the difference. That is the defining quality of each of us in this lifestyle

Slipping away

One day, you suddenly wake up and bang.. you find yourself missing something very important in you life.

For the past few weeks, I have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then I realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have I have not been able to keep in contact as I should. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always up to me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, I should never have anything that I cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things I find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where I can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.

For the first time in a long time I find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress. This is a feeling that over recent weeks has become stronger and stronger. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but I will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt as part of me has forgotten what it is like to session properly and there is a hesitation, even a fear to do so. Totally irrational of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.

I do feel at times very mixed up. I know, or at least I hope, that I could have a lot more time with Mistress if I were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses I know but also reality). I want to go out to more clubs and parties as there is not shortage of invites. But this I also know will never happen unless I make changes in my life that will affect to many others and I am I honest I cannot really ever see happening.

I would say I am not usually down-beat and depressed but today is one of those days. Just a winging sub I am sure you say. Just the facts of life I say.

Poetry

A quiet whisper is all I need

A firm touch which dispels my fears.

 

Your possessive touch I so desire.

A spirit has touched me and I now heal.

 

The touch which strokes my body and soul.

Makes me whole, no longer lost.

 

My thoughts no longer confuse me.

In your hands, my eyes open and for the first time I do see.

 

My whispers are soft and gentle spoken in the simple word.

For the entire world to see, submissive thoughts to be heard.

The perfect Goddess

I was asked recently to write about a 1000 words on what I thought described the perfect Goddess (Goddess worship being a very relevant topic in my life at the moment). This is what I came up with

A Goddess has very special attributes. A Goddess is there to be worshipped, venerated and adored. Her orders and wishes are to be obeyed without question, without hesitation and if you adore a Goddess it becomes you place to satisfy the desires of the Goddess and that is all the matters in your life.

Are there typical physical attributes for a Goddess? Well, the quick answer is yes! But of course that is too simple. In reality each submissive has in his mind an image of a Goddess. For me, She would have to be tall. 5’8 or above I am guessing, as when She wears shoes, which of course would always have at least a 5” heel, She be an imposing tall figure, above my 5’10. She would be well proportioned. Her figure would stop traffic, the classic hour glass. She would always dress in such a way that women are envious and men are lustful. She epitomises sex and of course uses this to control men to her advantage. But of course, those are just physical attributes. A Goddess is aware of Her divinity and has no need to demand worship as it is freely given by those who desire to serve. When near Her, you can feel and sense the power and know that this is someone very special.

There is of course the subject of Goddess Worship and what this entails and encompasses. Much of this, the need to worship the Goddess, the desire to submit and feel you are at Her mercy comes from the sense of being less than worthy, but not from having no sense of worth. A Goddess, in my mind, would never want a worthless subject.

Worship has at least two meanings . Back in ye olden days men loved their ‘maiden faire’ and worshipped her for that, but for me there’s another kind and that is to surrender to Her as a divinity. And it is of course the latter that concerns us here. There are so many different ways to "worship" a Goddess. Some are traditional ways that many slaves are into, including me. The first and most obvious is worshipping someone as a deity, or at least a representative of a deity. In these scenes, the slave is a supplicant who prays to the Goddess asking for Her blessing and offer sacrifices and offerings to Her (often financial) including their pain and suffering.

Many slaves consider "worship" to signify sexual worship. However worship could well be interchanged with the term service and may well be somewhat interchangeable to many in the BDSM context, at least in how they play out, but I think the attitude of the slave is different when looking at service or worship. Service has the connotation of performing whatever the Goddess commands, whereas worship has more aspects of actively giving something to one who is above human demands.

So what do I mean by sexual worship? It really can be anything agreed upon by Goddess and slave, but for most people, the image that stands out is that of oral service, with no thought or expectation of release for the slave himself. The pleasure of the slave is in the giving and nothing is needed from the slave over and above that. There is something inherent in it that conjures up images of obeisance and even spirituality when the act is purely one of giving.

Some slaves (and again I count myself as amongst these) are also very much into strap-on "worship," which again usually involves oral service of the dildo. This is much more than just a simple blow job of an inanimate dildo; the attitude of the slave is all-important. They must approach the strap-on with proper respect and awe and show respect and obedience to it at all times, along with the requisite oral servicing.

The oral theme is not the only one in sexual worship. Some Goddesses consider actual intercourse to be a form of worship, if done in the proper submissive way. I don't hold with this approach and have never considered this an act of worship and to be fair, never will.

Besides straight-out sexual worship, there is a great deal of potential for sensual worship. This may be worshipful caressing, massaging, kissing, etc. over the entire body of the object of worship. This form of worship can be quite powerful, as it has connections with the longstanding tradition of kissing icons, relics and other religious objects.

The Goddess can also be "worshipped" in very traditional ways with flowers, being taken out to dinner, receiving presents, and so on. In many cases, these chivalrous actions might seem almost offensive, hearkening back to an older and less gender-equal time, but surely if the slave is performing them humbly and selflessly they do become a form of worship instead of a chauvinist method of courting.

Finally there is fetish worship where not only You, but the items You might wear become a potential object for worship. We have all come across "foot worship” and it is commonly known, I’m sure. But in many cases it is not so much the foot, as the shoe or boot that is being worshipped. Like many slaves I love to worship high heels, boots and other things. Again, in these cases, the "worshipping" usually involves kissing, licking, smelling, and generally showing an attitude of awe towards these items. It is the element of contact with the Goddess that becomes important. And an ideal Goddess will understand this and use it as a reward when needed. Of course, to have this refused or withheld is often an effective form of punishment.

There is so much I would want Goddess to be apart from all the above! She needs to firm but kind, compassionate but strict, know when to punish and when to reward. She must want to be worshipped but also ensure that she is worshipped in the way that is acceptable to Her. But of course, there is another side that is way from the physical and that is handing control over to the Goddess and that control may take the form of financial, sexual or whatever is acceptable.

I try very hard to have no pre-conceived idea of what a Goddess is and is not and it of course the Goddess Herself who creates Her own Goddess persona. She has got to have the desire and want to be worshipped and will accept the worship as it is intend, as an act of adoration and devotion.

So, what is a perfect Goddess? I don’t know but I do know that to me, each Goddess is perfect.

Is it just a job?

Reading the How to be a Mistress blog today, reminded me of a conversation I had whilst driving back to London after filming for The English Mansion. I had two Mistresses in the car, one from the US and one from the UK and we were talking about going to fetish clubs etc. when the Mistress from the UK said that she did not go to fetish clubs because being a Mistress was her job and she had no interest in fetish outside of that.

I was, to say the least, slightly taken aback at that remark as it was truly the first time I think I had come across a pro-Domme who say what she did as a 9-5 type occupation - get up, go to the dungeon for 11, see some clients and go home! I would say that every Mistress I have ever met has always had some interest in either BDSM or fetish outside of the dungeon and usually have become a Mistress because of the interest. Then reading the How to be etc. blog today I wondered if this was the same. Here is a lady who made a deliberate move to a place to set up a dungeon to be a Professional Mistress. Then of course, I read the rest of the blog and see that no, this is a lifestyler who has seen the light and moved from a submissive female to Dominant Mistress (hurrah) so I suspect the Mistress in question is in a very small minority. Let us hope so anyway.

Credibility - to have or not to have, that is the question.

There I am, having a chat on yahoo to a person who I am starting to like a lot, probably too much but that's a different story, when we start talking about this blog. She is only the second person I have told about it and probably the last!

I am conscious that some of the stuff I have written may seem that I can do no wrong. But that is not my intention. I have many faults and accept most of them. I am, for instance, overweight. But, I deal with it and just move on. I am, on occasion, a bit bratty and will throw my toys out and sulk from time to time. But have only portrayed the worse in others whilst setting my self up as without fault? Mostly, reading back, I have just said what was on my mind and how I felt about things. But I was, indirectly, today told that because I seem to not paint myself with faults, to an outsider who may come across this blog, it would weaken my credibility.

Now, of course, do I have any credibility? I know that I am quite well known on the fetish scene and do get asked my views on all sorts of stuff to do with fetish and BDSM. In my vanilla world, I regularly speak and present about my subject matter and would like to think that I am well regarded in what I do. So, perhaps I do have some credibility but by hiding behind the veil of anonymity I remove all that credibility. But of course, the reverse of being anonymous is that I can just comment on what I see and experience without having to compare myself to it. This blog was and will always be about what I think and what I see and feel. It will, by its nature be occasionally judgemental but that is the nature of man. We are all judgemental on one level or more, so there is no difference here.

Finally, as I write this I feel I am having to justify myself. I have no need to or desire to so no more posts where I may apologise. I am me and happy with me and therefore shall just carry on as me.

It's my cock ok. Not Yours, mine.

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How out are you?

I am often asked who else knows about my kinks. Well for me, most people who know me and the majority of my family aged between 21 and 70! I made a very conscious decision sometime ago to not hid what I was and what I liked. To me, it seemed the easiest way and also the most honest. Why should I live my life behind a veil of what others did not understand when others who had alternative sexualities could be as open as they wished. It is alright to gay and out but not a submissive and out! For me, being submissive is the core of what defines me. Similarly, my masochism is my sexuality in so many ways that to hide it would be deceitful and far to difficult.

But, recently, I find myself hesitating to tell people what exactly I am into and am using a watered down version and I don't know why. I have never been ashamed of what I like and what turns me on. And mostly, after the few jokes and whip cracking noises, the topic is forgotten and moved on. But I have never held back. If someone asked me if I like pain, I would happily tell them yes and how much! Why am I suddenly finding myself not being as open as I used to be? Nothing has really changed in my life and I am not ashamed of what and who I am in this, or indeed, any other respect. Part of me things that BDSM suddenly became very mainstream with the recent press coverage of the Max Moseley affair and what was something that I held dear to my heart became sordid and seedy and I have never wanted to be associated with anything that could be described as such. I don't know, but I do know I want to go back to the way I was, proud of being a kinkster and not ashamed of being, in so many peoples eyes, different.

Lights, camera, scream!

Had a message today from friend who happens to run one of the biggest BDSM/Femdom website's in the world asking me if I want to do some filming week after next at Ess & Emm. Of course, I would have been rude to say no, so of course I do! What's not to want?? I get to spend the whole day at one of the best play-spaces in the UK (to which I have yet to go to) and spend the day with two stunning Mistresses who will hurt me and make me suffer and it all goes on film! Is this heaven? And here is the best part.. I get paid for it as well! Does this make me a pro-sub? Sadly the answer is no but it does make me question some of my own morals.

Firstly, is this really play or is it work? Having done some work other sites in the past, I know the day tends to be long, with lots of sitting around waiting and then you have to be able to get into the scene very quickly with little build-up. I will be working with two Mistresses that I have never met before and so have to take it on trust that they are safe etc. and that the few limits I have will be adhered to. Secondly, of course,I need to speak to Mistress and ensure She is happy. There is no reason why She would say no but etiquette demands that I let Her know of such things. And finally, am I doing it for the right reasons. What, after all are the right reasons? Deep down, I have a massive exhibitionist streak and this panders to it in a massive way. The "session" will last for ever in that I can watch it whenever I wish and can relieve the feelings with each viewing. Others will see it and may well comment, again pandering to my own feelings.

All in all, it hits so many buttons that I am just amazed more subs just do not appear in films. But of course, I do know the reason. BDSM is taboo and to show your face in a BDSM film may risk exposure. But then, does it not run that if someone is watching a BDSM film and recognises me, they only reason they are likely to watching such a film is because they themselves are into the whole thing as well? Hence, I don't wear a hood when doing such things. It is almost as if I want to be recognised and see what happens if I am. Just another pandering to my bizarre set of emotions.

Sex, and Drugs and BDSM

Eventually, I knew I would broach this topic as it seems it is one that is brushed under the carpet and never really talked about but here goes.

Firstly, I have to come clean and say that I am not totally innocent in all of this. I have taken more drugs that I can honestly remember over the years. E, Coke, MDMA, Ketamine, Amyl and very occasionally speed were the drugs of choice. Nowadays, Viagra is in the mix as well. So, why is there such a preponderance of drug usage in the fetish and BDSM scene. Of course, I can only talk about London, but it may well be the same in ever major city that has an active scene. I can remember great times in Amsterdam and Berlin where there was huge obvious drug taking, whilst in London, it seems to be slightly more circumspect with lavatories and dark corners the place of choice. From my own experience, I know that when I have taken a pill or two, I play harder and longer and end up with a lot more bruises! But the intensity of feeling, the euphoria of the moment that comes is addictive (which of course is the point of many drugs) and one that I do miss. As you may have notices, I have not mentioned Pot, Weed, Cannabis etc. Why? Well I have never smoked and therefore have never really wanted to take any of these, hence not having any knowledge of what they can do first-hand.

Of course, what makes me laugh really loudly is when I see ad's from Pro-Dommes who say they will only session with those who are drug free and yet, when I see them out and about at clubs and parties are usually totally wankered on drugs themselves! Of course, many will say this is not hypocritical, at they are putting the safety of the paying punter first. But I also see them play in clubs, so whose safety are thy putting first then? And please don't tell me that these are not paying punters, as there are many Mistress who offer to take a client to a club for a fee, so where is the line?

But I digress and have to point out that I am only highlighting an example of a Mistress offering to take paying punters to a club rather than that Mistress taking drugs..OK!.

So, is there direct correlation between drugs and BDSM/Fetish? I think yes and it comes down to personality types. For many BDSM is a way of escape, a way to live outside the accepted normal boundaries of life and be part of a community that often puts a finger up at society. It is those character types who will, by their nature, be more explorative and in turn curious about drugs. It describes many of the people I know and to a large degree myself. I don't drink, I don't smoke but I love to get out of my head now and then. Sometimes in public, more often in private with two or three others. Oh, and I mentioned Viagra at the start of the post. Gods gift to sex and drugs! That is all I have to say on that matter!

Thursday, Pedestal comes around. To be clean or to pop a pill - that is the question that I can only answer on the night.

No, I am not gay.

I have a deep, dark, secret. I love Transexuals, Shemales, Transgenders and any other description that may be applicable for the "third" sex. Especially the very few that are also dominant (of which there are very few unfortunately). But, on the rare occasion I get to meet a TS Mistress, the power play, the whole dynamic is one that I often struggle to come to terms with and understand.

I have, I want to be clear, no desire at all to submit to a Master. There is not a bone in my body that wants that. But, confronted by a TS Mistress, it is a whole different situation. The scene that unfolds is often highly sexual and at the same time, I am able to completely hand over all control to the Mistress. I know that I am not alone in this and the few Pro TS Mistresses I have met at parties and clubs all seem to charge a huge premium over the female counterparts, such is the demand for their services. I am lucky in that I am friends with a lot of the sex-worker community in London and have not yet had to pay for a session with a TS Mistress. Would I in the future? I cannot answer that but I know that the times I do play, they are some of the most interesting sessions I have had.

She is always there

In my mind, I am not owned by Her. But of course, the is just my trying to delude myself and thinking that there is something better over the fence. Of course, I know, from experience that there is nothing that comes close to the relationship I have wiht Mistress.

After we went through a very formal collaring ceremony some time ago now and since then the dynamic of our relationship has changed to such an extent that too most people involved in BDSM, it bears no semblance to an atypical BDSM relationship. I am allowed out to play at clubs myself, I am allowed to go to parties myself and all in all, I am given a very long piece of rope to play on. What is really funny though is the so many people assume we are a couple. I suppose in many ways we are but would be best described as a non-sexual platonic Mistress/slave couple.

But of course, the reality is that the rope is always there and always connected to me. When She is away, I feel a huge sense of emptiness knowing that I cannot just pick up the phone, or ping Her on IM to chat. We have, over the last 5 years, become close friends and confidants to each other whilst still maintaining the essential elements of respect, trust and, on my part, submission. I adore all that there is about Her and love Her in a way that I struggle to describe. When I submit to Her, standing there willingly to be hurt, flogged, punished, I do so because I want for nothing else at that moment.

No matter what though, I am always there for Her and will always be Her collared slave. It is that sense of feeling, the sense of belonging that I craved for so long and only found out, over time, how hard it was to live up to the expectation and dream. But of course, BDSM is, amongst many things, about trust and finding out about each other and we are now at a place that works for us and that is probably the most important thing - it is about us. Do we care what others may say? Or course not. Why should we. When we go out to clubs or parties together, I am there for Her. The motto "To protect and Serve" could almost have been written to describe the way I feel when we are out. I feel honoured to be with Her, to be known as Her slave and to wear Her collar.

At last - someone like me!

I have finally found a blog that seems to relate very much to my own feelings and desires for BDSM. By far the majority of blogs I seem to come across are about guys wanting a 24/7 relationship or they are exploring BDSM inside their marriage or (and this is the majority by far) are blogs by female submissive's of which I have zero interest. However, the power of Google Reader gave me a suggestion today to look at unspeakableaxe and hey presto, a blog by a male masochist who seems to like to play at parties, clubs etc! Having spent way to much time reading the message-boards on UK-Mistresses.com it was becoming rather depressing as I found the majority of posts and comments there just so sycophant that it was beyond belief. And when someone disagree with the swarm of resident posters there, they were soon shot down by a barrage of posts. Similarly with Informed Consent the sheer volume of posts make it impossible to follow some of the threads. So finding this blog was a big of fresh air for me.

Happiness is a girlfriend and mistress.

My most fulfilling relationship in a BDSM context was with someone who also happened to be  a Pro-Domme. For me, she was my girlfriend, lover and of course Mistress.  There was a different level of everything I had ever experienced before in terms of my submission to her, the intensity of feelings towards her and, for want of a better word, the level of play. I had/have no issue with the fact that this was also her job. Why should I? Why would it be my place to question what anyone does for a living provided it has no massive legal issues? Of course, we can debate whether Domination is Prostitution at great length if you wish and I am happy to do so. What I did realise was that when I was being hurt, there was, to put it bluntly, always a feeling that it was being done safely and from someone who knew what they were doing. I am trying to avoid to use the word professional, but ultimately that is what is was. Let me be clear, there was never a feeling that it was being done by the numbers or as a service.  Far from it as I always felt a wave of love and contentment from her that I only have experienced once before. This was what she enjoyed doing and I was happy to be the recipient of the pain and punishment.

It was almost an ideal relationship on so many levels. We both liked the same thing from the same perspective such as fetish, clubs, music and from the opposite perspective i.e pain, submission etc. But like all things, it came to an end, ironically because she wanted to stop the Prodom side and divorce herself from that whole fetish scene. As a consequence, seeing as I was a huge part of that I was no longer going to be a part of her life. I will say it affected me quite hard and caused me to totally examine what I wanted from a fetish and BDSM lifestyle and whether I really did want a relationship like this again. Of course, being a guy I hid it and being British just accepted it. That's the way we often are and in hindsight it was probably the worst way I could have dealt with it. But we move on and find new things to explore and different people to have fun with and then start again.

Its a war out there .. Lifestyle-v-Pro-Domme

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