When did I become so needy!!

It sort of crept up on me without warning. But suddenly, I found myself needy. I crave contact, anything from Mistress. I need to know she has read my message, that my words have pleased her. But nothing...no response, no indication. Then of course the self doubt creeps in and with that the fears and feelings that soon it will all be over despite assurances that nothing has changed, that things will go on and only get better.

I have never been needy, but I suspect I have never felt this way about someone and to suddenly find myself in this situation is a new and complicated set of emotions.

Sensing

i can feel You watching me, waiting to see what i will say or do next in my desire to serve You. It is as if there is a cord from Your pc to mine, making sure i am always there when You tug it, pulling me to You, keeping me close but at the same time, letting me have enough freedom to live my life.

The desire to open up, to expose my soul becomes stronger each day and soon the day will come when i have no option but to break down the wall i keep in front of me that hides my feelings and emotions. That day will be the day i have no more sense of self, but at the same time will have a total sense of who and what i am.

How can you serve me?

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She is always there

In my mind, I am not owned by Her. But of course, the is just my trying to delude myself and thinking that there is something better over the fence. Of course, I know, from experience that there is nothing that comes close to the relationship I have wiht Mistress.

After we went through a very formal collaring ceremony some time ago now and since then the dynamic of our relationship has changed to such an extent that too most people involved in BDSM, it bears no semblance to an atypical BDSM relationship. I am allowed out to play at clubs myself, I am allowed to go to parties myself and all in all, I am given a very long piece of rope to play on. What is really funny though is the so many people assume we are a couple. I suppose in many ways we are but would be best described as a non-sexual platonic Mistress/slave couple.

But of course, the reality is that the rope is always there and always connected to me. When She is away, I feel a huge sense of emptiness knowing that I cannot just pick up the phone, or ping Her on IM to chat. We have, over the last 5 years, become close friends and confidants to each other whilst still maintaining the essential elements of respect, trust and, on my part, submission. I adore all that there is about Her and love Her in a way that I struggle to describe. When I submit to Her, standing there willingly to be hurt, flogged, punished, I do so because I want for nothing else at that moment.

No matter what though, I am always there for Her and will always be Her collared slave. It is that sense of feeling, the sense of belonging that I craved for so long and only found out, over time, how hard it was to live up to the expectation and dream. But of course, BDSM is, amongst many things, about trust and finding out about each other and we are now at a place that works for us and that is probably the most important thing - it is about us. Do we care what others may say? Or course not. Why should we. When we go out to clubs or parties together, I am there for Her. The motto "To protect and Serve" could almost have been written to describe the way I feel when we are out. I feel honoured to be with Her, to be known as Her slave and to wear Her collar.

Happiness is a girlfriend and mistress.

My most fulfilling relationship in a BDSM context was with someone who also happened to be  a Pro-Domme. For me, she was my girlfriend, lover and of course Mistress.  There was a different level of everything I had ever experienced before in terms of my submission to her, the intensity of feelings towards her and, for want of a better word, the level of play. I had/have no issue with the fact that this was also her job. Why should I? Why would it be my place to question what anyone does for a living provided it has no massive legal issues? Of course, we can debate whether Domination is Prostitution at great length if you wish and I am happy to do so. What I did realise was that when I was being hurt, there was, to put it bluntly, always a feeling that it was being done safely and from someone who knew what they were doing. I am trying to avoid to use the word professional, but ultimately that is what is was. Let me be clear, there was never a feeling that it was being done by the numbers or as a service.  Far from it as I always felt a wave of love and contentment from her that I only have experienced once before. This was what she enjoyed doing and I was happy to be the recipient of the pain and punishment.

It was almost an ideal relationship on so many levels. We both liked the same thing from the same perspective such as fetish, clubs, music and from the opposite perspective i.e pain, submission etc. But like all things, it came to an end, ironically because she wanted to stop the Prodom side and divorce herself from that whole fetish scene. As a consequence, seeing as I was a huge part of that I was no longer going to be a part of her life. I will say it affected me quite hard and caused me to totally examine what I wanted from a fetish and BDSM lifestyle and whether I really did want a relationship like this again. Of course, being a guy I hid it and being British just accepted it. That's the way we often are and in hindsight it was probably the worst way I could have dealt with it. But we move on and find new things to explore and different people to have fun with and then start again.