Sensing

i can feel You watching me, waiting to see what i will say or do next in my desire to serve You. It is as if there is a cord from Your pc to mine, making sure i am always there when You tug it, pulling me to You, keeping me close but at the same time, letting me have enough freedom to live my life.

The desire to open up, to expose my soul becomes stronger each day and soon the day will come when i have no option but to break down the wall i keep in front of me that hides my feelings and emotions. That day will be the day i have no more sense of self, but at the same time will have a total sense of who and what i am.

That sickening feeling

You try to stay away, to not look at the PC but the desire is there, the hope that you have a message from someone who all of a sudden is special to you. Constantly pressing refresh to see if a message is waiting that has not been notified to your email. You want approval, you desire contact and hope beyond hope that something is there for you.

Each time nothing, but still you hope that perhaps you will have something to hang on to.

Addiction is probably the nearest thing that describes it and being able to control it is not yet an option.

Male Submission Art

My new favourite website thanks to Eileen and maymay. 

Male Submission Art

A new situation

I find myself in a new situation, quite unexpectedly and time will tell how it develops and whether i have the stamina to stay. I feel I cannot say to much but am sure that I will be able to say more later as it develops as, having already disclosed this blog to Her, it could well become the vehicle for expressing more of my thoughts to Her, but that is not guaranteed.

Does being dominant make you a domme?

I was reading an ad on one of the myriad of contact sites recently and one struck me in the words used by the poster - "I do like to be a very dominat woman!" (her spelling of the word not mine). I thought that in certain circumstances I like to be a very dominant man as well but that does not mean I want to be a Dom. Far from it. So, just because someone is dominant does that mean they make a good Domme. It is an essential quality?

Personally, I look for other qualities - extroverted but not aggressive, controlling but not overbearing, decisive but not impetuous, consistent, confident, honest and open, persuasive, caring, responsible, having a strong sense of self. But, if I look at this list I also see that a lot of this applies to myself. So where does the line divide between being submissive and being dominant when, to me, we seem to share many of the same characteristics. I suspect it is the desire to hand over that control and for someone to accept it and take control of someone who that defines the difference. That is the defining quality of each of us in this lifestyle

Out of the blue

Quite unexpected, I had an email on Monday from an old friend who I used to play with. We stopped because she fell in love with a 'nilla guy and wanted to devote to him. But now, 5 years later she finds herself single again because he turned out to be unable to keep his cock in his pants.

My dilemma is that I deep down I loved this person and if the chance was there (which it now seems it was) would have asked her out and had bf/gf type stuff. But that is as was. Now, she wants to get back into the fetish life and asked if I would fancy a play session with her to take some pictures for her new website etc. Of course, being the slut I am, I said yes. But now, almost a week later, I suddenly find myself hesitant in my decision as I feel that I am just there to give her something she wants rather than for us both to get something out of it.

Am I being to picky? I have on offer the chance to get flogged, hurt and buggered, to spend a good few minutes tied up and pretty much anything else I feel like doing. But there is the rub. It is what I feel like doing rather than being told what to do. I will not be submitting - I will be directing and that is what takes the pleasure away from me.

Sadly, I know in my mind what I will end up doing as I am just a slut who likes to play. But I suspect it will be the end of a friendship that went away and briefly came back again for the wrong reasons.

Slipping away

One day, you suddenly wake up and bang.. you find yourself missing something very important in you life.

For the past few weeks, I have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then I realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have I have not been able to keep in contact as I should. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always up to me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, I should never have anything that I cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things I find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where I can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.

For the first time in a long time I find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress. This is a feeling that over recent weeks has become stronger and stronger. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but I will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt as part of me has forgotten what it is like to session properly and there is a hesitation, even a fear to do so. Totally irrational of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.

I do feel at times very mixed up. I know, or at least I hope, that I could have a lot more time with Mistress if I were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses I know but also reality). I want to go out to more clubs and parties as there is not shortage of invites. But this I also know will never happen unless I make changes in my life that will affect to many others and I am I honest I cannot really ever see happening.

I would say I am not usually down-beat and depressed but today is one of those days. Just a winging sub I am sure you say. Just the facts of life I say.

Informed Consent - Decades of Feminism

A recent thread on the UK BDSM board Informed Consent is discussing why bondage porn is still predominatly showing images of females tied up.

A great response is made by Ms Slide and and added to here on her blog. What I did not find surprising is who made the most outspoken comment regarding feminism but also the tone of the argument but of course, I do find myself agreeing with it. Just waiting for Bitchy Jones to give us her view and expect even more outspokenness than that of Ms Tytania.

I don't particularly like BDSM porn per-se (unless I am in it,  which of course is different!!) as mostly is it fairly repetitive and as already said tends to feature females in suffering rather than females inflicting the suffering, unless of course it is lesbian BDSM porn which I generally avoid.

Unfortunately, until more women watch and control the production of porn, it will not change in terms of the way females are depicted. Of course, if less men bought porn, that may also change the status quo but of course, the chances of that happening are pretty much nil!