It's funny how one moment you are going along, thinking life is good and in balance. Then, something happens or someone says something that changes everything and makes you start to question so much.
Originally this update was going to be about my birthday (and hence the date does not reflect todays date, April 24) and the feeling that i was in a happy place. But, this is no longer the case. The whole question of my submission to Mistress Diva is suddenly something that i am questioning. Being told that i am holding back in some way is something i never really thought i would be. Whilst i argue that all subs hold back in some form, almost as part of a survival instinct, being told that i do not allow Mistress to, in whatever way, inflict pain on me at the same intensity as i seem to allow others has come as some form of major blow to me. It is something that i cannot deal with and don't know how to deal with. Am i, in some way or another, mentally holding back? It's all i have been thinking about since Friday and i still don't know the answer to it.
So, this of course begs the question - what now? i have no idea what to do and my biggest fear is that i will run away from it. If i cannot give my all, in the way that Mistress Diva deserves and i desire then what is the point? i am even starting to wonder if i am submissive at all, such is the effect this has had on me. i feel i have no-one to talk to about it as it is such a personal issue and few would understand. It's hardly something you can discuss up the pub. There is a huge part of me that wants to show that i don't hold back but what if whilst doing so, i do? What then.. that all along i have been lying to everyone concerned, myself included? i feel as if i have thrown away the last three years and i am now in a limbo that i cannot see a way out of.
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