Me

There are times i hate myself and my life. It's always been this way ever since i can remember. i feel i have nothing to give others yet i take all i am given. i am selfish in so many ways that i feel i cannot start to describe them.



Over the last few weeks i have felt lower than i have for a long time. Trying to analyse it has not really helped as deep down i have know the reason why and it all comes down to loving a person in the past and when an anniversary comes along it reminds you of so much, the good times and the fun. We like to forget the bad times as they only cause pain. So all we look back on is what was.. the fun we had and never the arguments. That has been me over the last few weeks. The act is so selfish that i cannot excuse it. In so many ways i have what so many others want. There is a Mistress who i know that deep down is so wonderful it hurts. In a short time She has allowed me to see what i can do, what i am potentially capable of. But i am scared. Scared to really open up, to allow Her to see more of me and get to know me as a person as well as a submissive. This i know is ripping the relationship apart. The fact i am holding back, ignoring the feelings i have inside is so wrong yet even knowing this i cannot stop it. Whether it's just me having to high an expectation of myself i cannot answer but i know i have to address it otherwise i will not see the next 30 days let alone the next 300 out with Mistress Diva.



i find myself wanting to do so much but then holding back. i have tried so hard to complete the masturbation task but my lack of success in completing it makes me angry, an emotion i hate. i find myself thinking of Mistress Diva, wanting to be beside Her but know that i have to balance my "vanilla" life with that but then feel my non-DS life is taking over again and giving me no time to focus outside of this.



i am scared. i don't know how to change or what to do. i crave pain but even that is wrong as i crave pain in a way i want. i crave to be at Mistress Diva's foot, to worship Her heel, to feel the leather against my tongue. i want to drown in sensations, to lose myself in bondage. But i don't know how.