Its a war out there .. Lifestyle-v-Pro-Domme

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The young grow up

How weird is this..

I am a huge fan of social networks such as Facebook and Myspace. I am able to use one each for my normal "vanilla" life and the other for the part of my life that the majority would not understand. And in any event, do I want people I work with seeing that I leap around in latex in fetish clubs!

Back to the point I am making. Cruising through some pictures on a friends Myspace page, I came across a photographers name that was really familiar. Looking at her website (the photographers) she seemed to go to a lot of the same clubs as me, Torture Garden, Club Rub etc. Then it clicked that I used to work with her Dad many years ago and remembered her from when she was about 6 or 7! We had a few exchanges on Myspace to confirm that I was right, which I was, but of course agreed that it was probably best her dad did not know about this as he would probably not understand. But of course, you never know!

I am still musing over whether to post the website of the photographer as she is very good. Still not sure though so probably ask her and you will see the artist yourself.

Feelings

It's funny how things slip and you forget basic lessons. Today, i was subtly reminded that this forum is there to allow Mistress to know my thoughts, my desires and my feelings. Maybe i keep things bottled up and then find myself no expressing my self at all - hence the very long gap!

So, here i am, trying to express my recent discoveries of a pleasure hitherto unknown to myself - namley the wearing of satin panties! Having seen them on ebay etc i took the plunge and orderd a couple of pairs which duly arrived. Pulling them on for the first time, the arousal was instantaneous and the feeling electric. They were not overally feminine in their cut but enough to show they are not male underwear. But to brush my hand over my cock or to feel them rub against my trousers is such a wonderful feeling it would not matter if what cut they were. Then, coupled with wearing black thigh boots, i present to myself such an erotic image (in my minds eye) that i cannot resist the temptation to

a slave in red

Club Pedestal has to be, without doubt, my favourite club. It is both a place to meet old friends and make new ones but most importantly it is a place that i get to spend time with Mistress Diva in public.

This one was special as i was going to wear some new latex that i had had made. Red is definitely the colour of the year and i had new latex kilt and top made to measure by http://www.regulation-london.co.uk/ and damn fine they looked as well, if i say so myself.

Having picked Mistress up and then Mistress Karen as well we got to Pedestal and found, for the first time ever, a parking spot near to the club. So a very short walk later and we were in. This is not of course a review of the club but more about me being with Mistress Diva. So, one of the other things i had purchased were two new floggers especially for Mistress. These were short-handled ones that i hoped Mistress would find easier to use.

A New Year - a New promise

December has to be the worse month of the year for me. Firstly it is the year end of the company i work for. The 20 business days in December are spent manically flying around Europe or latterly Middle East, closing deals for the year. This year, I was in Dubai up until the 22nd of December and it seemed that ever weekend of December had been filled with family related events. It has also meant that i have had little time for anything outside of work or family. Worse, it has meant that i have not been able to buy a gift for a very important person and this of course is something i will have to rectify. But this is the second problem. As we start January, i look at my diary and find that i am away every week until February and know that i will have little time to get anywhere else.

However, that aside what i suddenly find myself doing is missing Mistress. It is all to easy to slip into a habit of not communicating with Mistress and this i find i have done. i find myself in a familiar pattern of work, sleep, family with little regard for the other side of my life that has always been important to me. But i know that in order to do my job in the way that is needed, i have to become very blinkered and now allow any distractions to happen with the consequence that i tune out all feelings and thoughts of submission and Dominance. Of course, the down side is that as soon as i stop and start to unwind i suddenly find myself craving to submit and want to be at the feet of Mistress once again. my desire to be hurt, to submit and feel whole again never really goes away of course. It just, occasionally, has to take a back-seat in order that i can do what is needed for other people.

i think it is time that i started to session again on a more formal basis, one-2 -one with Mistress. It is only in these types of environments that i feel i can really grow and become the submissive/slave that i want to be and know that i am capable of being. So, what is the New promise? It is that, to serve Mistress in sessions and try to move forward with my slavery and collaring. i know that i have not gone away, just found myself wandering astray a bit. However, Mistress is always in my thoughts when i sit back and relax and i know that i have a huge guilt complex about having no contact for the last 5 weeks. Guilt that i can never really stop but it does act as a reminder to me that i have never stopped wanting to be collared to Mistress Diva and being a slave to Her.

Slipping away

One day, you suddenly wake up and bang.. you find yourself missing something very important in you life.

For the past few weeks, i have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then i realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have i have no contact. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always upto me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, i should never have anything that i cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things i find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where i can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.

i find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress Diva. This is a feeling that over recent weeks is quite strong. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but i will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt. No reason of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.

i do fee at times very mixed up. i know, or at least i hope, that i could have a lot more time with Mistress Diva if i were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses i know but also reality). i want to go out to more clubs and parties. But this i also know will never happen unless changes in my life occur that i cannot really ever see happening.

Well, enough of the depression. i know what i need to do and to do it i will.

Thoughts and fears

It's funny how one moment you are going along, thinking life is good and in balance. Then, something happens or someone says something that changes everything and makes you start to question so much.

Originally this update was going to be about my birthday (and hence the date does not reflect todays date, April 24) and the feeling that i was in a happy place. But, this is no longer the case. The whole question of my submission to Mistress Diva is suddenly something that i am questioning. Being told that i am holding back in some way is something i never really thought i would be. Whilst i argue that all subs hold back in some form, almost as part of a survival instinct, being told that i do not allow Mistress to, in whatever way, inflict pain on me at the same intensity as i seem to allow others has come as some form of major blow to me. It is something that i cannot deal with and don't know how to deal with. Am i, in some way or another, mentally holding back? It's all i have been thinking about since Friday and i still don't know the answer to it.

So, this of course begs the question - what now? i have no idea what to do and my biggest fear is that i will run away from it. If i cannot give my all, in the way that Mistress Diva deserves and i desire then what is the point? i am even starting to wonder if i am submissive at all, such is the effect this has had on me. i feel i have no-one to talk to about it as it is such a personal issue and few would understand. It's hardly something you can discuss up the pub. There is a huge part of me that wants to show that i don't hold back but what if whilst doing so, i do? What then.. that all along i have been lying to everyone concerned, myself included? i feel as if i have thrown away the last three years and i am now in a limbo that i cannot see a way out of.