At last - someone like me!

I have finally found a blog that seems to relate very much to my own feelings and desires for BDSM. By far the majority of blogs I seem to come across are about guys wanting a 24/7 relationship or they are exploring BDSM inside their marriage or (and this is the majority by far) are blogs by female submissive's of which I have zero interest. However, the power of Google Reader gave me a suggestion today to look at unspeakableaxe and hey presto, a blog by a male masochist who seems to like to play at parties, clubs etc! Having spent way to much time reading the message-boards on UK-Mistresses.com it was becoming rather depressing as I found the majority of posts and comments there just so sycophant that it was beyond belief. And when someone disagree with the swarm of resident posters there, they were soon shot down by a barrage of posts. Similarly with Informed Consent the sheer volume of posts make it impossible to follow some of the threads. So finding this blog was a big of fresh air for me.

Happiness is a girlfriend and mistress.

My most fulfilling relationship in a BDSM context was with someone who also happened to be  a Pro-Domme. For me, she was my girlfriend, lover and of course Mistress.  There was a different level of everything I had ever experienced before in terms of my submission to her, the intensity of feelings towards her and, for want of a better word, the level of play. I had/have no issue with the fact that this was also her job. Why should I? Why would it be my place to question what anyone does for a living provided it has no massive legal issues? Of course, we can debate whether Domination is Prostitution at great length if you wish and I am happy to do so. What I did realise was that when I was being hurt, there was, to put it bluntly, always a feeling that it was being done safely and from someone who knew what they were doing. I am trying to avoid to use the word professional, but ultimately that is what is was. Let me be clear, there was never a feeling that it was being done by the numbers or as a service.  Far from it as I always felt a wave of love and contentment from her that I only have experienced once before. This was what she enjoyed doing and I was happy to be the recipient of the pain and punishment.

It was almost an ideal relationship on so many levels. We both liked the same thing from the same perspective such as fetish, clubs, music and from the opposite perspective i.e pain, submission etc. But like all things, it came to an end, ironically because she wanted to stop the Prodom side and divorce herself from that whole fetish scene. As a consequence, seeing as I was a huge part of that I was no longer going to be a part of her life. I will say it affected me quite hard and caused me to totally examine what I wanted from a fetish and BDSM lifestyle and whether I really did want a relationship like this again. Of course, being a guy I hid it and being British just accepted it. That's the way we often are and in hindsight it was probably the worst way I could have dealt with it. But we move on and find new things to explore and different people to have fun with and then start again.

Its a war out there .. Lifestyle-v-Pro-Domme

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The young grow up

How weird is this..

I am a huge fan of social networks such as Facebook and Myspace. I am able to use one each for my normal "vanilla" life and the other for the part of my life that the majority would not understand. And in any event, do I want people I work with seeing that I leap around in latex in fetish clubs!

Back to the point I am making. Cruising through some pictures on a friends Myspace page, I came across a photographers name that was really familiar. Looking at her website (the photographers) she seemed to go to a lot of the same clubs as me, Torture Garden, Club Rub etc. Then it clicked that I used to work with her Dad many years ago and remembered her from when she was about 6 or 7! We had a few exchanges on Myspace to confirm that I was right, which I was, but of course agreed that it was probably best her dad did not know about this as he would probably not understand. But of course, you never know!

I am still musing over whether to post the website of the photographer as she is very good. Still not sure though so probably ask her and you will see the artist yourself.

Feelings

It's funny how things slip and you forget basic lessons. Today, i was subtly reminded that this forum is there to allow Mistress to know my thoughts, my desires and my feelings. Maybe i keep things bottled up and then find myself no expressing my self at all - hence the very long gap!

So, here i am, trying to express my recent discoveries of a pleasure hitherto unknown to myself - namley the wearing of satin panties! Having seen them on ebay etc i took the plunge and orderd a couple of pairs which duly arrived. Pulling them on for the first time, the arousal was instantaneous and the feeling electric. They were not overally feminine in their cut but enough to show they are not male underwear. But to brush my hand over my cock or to feel them rub against my trousers is such a wonderful feeling it would not matter if what cut they were. Then, coupled with wearing black thigh boots, i present to myself such an erotic image (in my minds eye) that i cannot resist the temptation to

a slave in red

Club Pedestal has to be, without doubt, my favourite club. It is both a place to meet old friends and make new ones but most importantly it is a place that i get to spend time with Mistress Diva in public.

This one was special as i was going to wear some new latex that i had had made. Red is definitely the colour of the year and i had new latex kilt and top made to measure by http://www.regulation-london.co.uk/ and damn fine they looked as well, if i say so myself.

Having picked Mistress up and then Mistress Karen as well we got to Pedestal and found, for the first time ever, a parking spot near to the club. So a very short walk later and we were in. This is not of course a review of the club but more about me being with Mistress Diva. So, one of the other things i had purchased were two new floggers especially for Mistress. These were short-handled ones that i hoped Mistress would find easier to use.

A New Year - a New promise

December has to be the worse month of the year for me. Firstly it is the year end of the company i work for. The 20 business days in December are spent manically flying around Europe or latterly Middle East, closing deals for the year. This year, I was in Dubai up until the 22nd of December and it seemed that ever weekend of December had been filled with family related events. It has also meant that i have had little time for anything outside of work or family. Worse, it has meant that i have not been able to buy a gift for a very important person and this of course is something i will have to rectify. But this is the second problem. As we start January, i look at my diary and find that i am away every week until February and know that i will have little time to get anywhere else.

However, that aside what i suddenly find myself doing is missing Mistress. It is all to easy to slip into a habit of not communicating with Mistress and this i find i have done. i find myself in a familiar pattern of work, sleep, family with little regard for the other side of my life that has always been important to me. But i know that in order to do my job in the way that is needed, i have to become very blinkered and now allow any distractions to happen with the consequence that i tune out all feelings and thoughts of submission and Dominance. Of course, the down side is that as soon as i stop and start to unwind i suddenly find myself craving to submit and want to be at the feet of Mistress once again. my desire to be hurt, to submit and feel whole again never really goes away of course. It just, occasionally, has to take a back-seat in order that i can do what is needed for other people.

i think it is time that i started to session again on a more formal basis, one-2 -one with Mistress. It is only in these types of environments that i feel i can really grow and become the submissive/slave that i want to be and know that i am capable of being. So, what is the New promise? It is that, to serve Mistress in sessions and try to move forward with my slavery and collaring. i know that i have not gone away, just found myself wandering astray a bit. However, Mistress is always in my thoughts when i sit back and relax and i know that i have a huge guilt complex about having no contact for the last 5 weeks. Guilt that i can never really stop but it does act as a reminder to me that i have never stopped wanting to be collared to Mistress Diva and being a slave to Her.