I survived #Dommeagedon

Let me say from the start, this is one of the hardest blogs i've ever written. It would be so easy to be critical of the behaviour of some of those attendees. But of course, that would be unfair and detract for the mostly fun that was had over the four days. So here goes...

How does one describe when 12 Mistresses and 16 submissive's or slaves all come together for a long weekend in deepest Norfolk for the 2nd annual Femme Domme Retreat hosted by Mistress Ava Von Medisin? Well I'm not quite sure there is a descriptive noun, but Dommeageddon seemed to strike a chord with many of the attendees and henceforth, it will be called that! I even have a t-shirt to prove i survived.

To the event! This was the 2nd such event organised by Mistress Ava Von Medisin who, many will know, I am in a D/s collared relationship with. Not quite for a year but close. I attended the first event last year but at that time, I was still under consideration and on some form of probation, which I obviously passed, given I now wear Her collar when with Her. But that's an aside. This event was going to be bigger with more Mistresses and slaves, a professional cook (more of that later) and organised events. Lots of well known Mistresses were in attendance and I was lucky enough to know most of them along with their attending slaves. In the months building up to this, I was very concious that I was letting my own anxieties and fears  start to take control. My emotional self over-ruling my logical self and my dread of public humiliation games becoming stronger with each passing week. But not going was never an option for me, given my status and I can't really imagine the consequence of not attending.

As we got closer to the date, instructions were given, rules sent (rules.. yes rules!) for the behaviour of the slaves etc, and times to arrive. Eventually, the day comes and I set off from home for the 150 mile drive to the event. The Retreat is held in a large country house, that can easily sleep 16 in the house and has 3 cottages associated with it that allow another 12. So each Mistress had her room and some of the lucky slaves had their own room. I knew that would be sleeping on the floor, in Mistresses room and had packed suitable bedding. I had also packed enough fetish wear for a week, toys, weapons and sundry other items. One can never have to much D/s related paraphernalia is seems. Ropes, cuffs, whips, paddles etc etc all there for use as and when required.

My first job, after changing into suitable clothing (black leather kilt and waistcoat seeing as you ask) was to greet the Mistresses as they arrived and show them to their pre-allocated rooms. This all before the first event of the weekend, the drinks reception and canapés at 9pm. And so the fun starts.

During the retreat we were to have two birthdays and tonight was the first. Slave A was on his first trip to the retreat along with his Mistress. Any birthday celebration needs cake and candles and these were produced. But of course, this is a Femme Domme retreat and nothing is done in a normal way. The cake was set on the floor and slave A was then allowed to eat it but only from the heel of his Mistress. After that, the cake was pushed around the room, by his nose, to each Mistress in turn who all made him eat cake from their heel or sole. All well and good, and very funny. Then the candles. Having stripped to the waist, each Mistress took turns in dripping wax onto slave A until a rainbow of wax covered his upper body and having pulled his leggings down, other areas. As an on looker i found myself wishing i was there with the wax, it being one of those types of pain i relish and actually become aroused by. But at the same time, i also wanted it in private in a room with just the gentle breathing of Mistress. That's my struggle. How to give myself over to those that, whilst i know them, have no desire to accept any pain or dominance from them. I know, from a recent conversation, that Mistress does not want to share me. And more, i find myself not wanting to be shared. To only receive pain, punishment and pleasure from Her hand.

The second birthday took place the following night and was for Mistress Ava's personal Pet. For this, balloons were the order of the day. But of course, hot to connect balloons to the skin.. why.. medical skin staples of course. The balloons has previously been filled with glitter balls, streamers etc and once inflated, stapled to pet. Now the fun. Each Mistress that wanted to take part was asked to burst a balloon but.. with a whip. Lesson learnt here. Whips are not very good at bursting balloons. In fact, they tend to just tear them off rather than burst them. Some did burst though and had the desired effect. All good fun. Of course, the evening was still young. Prior to this, all the slaves had served at the formal dinner, with some success. My role was easy. Keep the wine flowing and glasses filled. I have no problem doing this, but gentle reminders to others that this was my job.. I become a glass filling nazi! For this event, i was wearing red latex kilt and top. So what, you may say. Well, this was important to me. This particular outfit I had made some years back. It's one of my favourite pieces of latex. Last year, i showed it to Mistress Ava but was unable to wear it. A year later, sufficient weight lost that i could wear it with comfort. A small personal achievement from a goal set a year ago to Mistress.

One of my mental blocks when it comes to pain has always been having my arse hit. Caning, cropping, paddling.. all things I've managed to avoid and often have as a hard limit. However, this conflicts with my inner need to give myself totally to Mistress Ava is such that i cannot really accept inside myself that my arse is off limits. We had discussed me getting some paddles to see how i coped and i had duly purchased two new paddles, one from LAM and one from Hell In Leather. Having been told to get my bag, i sort of knew was was coming and started to find ways of accepting it. Having found a suitable position, the paddling started. One thing to note with Mistress. There is never any warm-up. Just straight in, Even knowing that, nothing really prepares you for the first time your arse is hit with a leather paddle. Yes, it hurt. Yes, i wriggled and yes I cried out. But i also knew i had to accept what was coming. After all, i had pretty much asked for this. What i found surprising though, was how quickly i started to relax into it and with acceptance came a feeling of wanting more and not resisting. I suspect i'll never be a confirmed, hardcore spanking lover but i know inside myself that if i'm told i'm going to be paddled or spanked, it won't fill me with dread.

Whilst all this was going on, a good friend was also being hit. And when I say hit, I mean hit hard. Have you ever seen an Alabama Prison Strap? It's probably one of the scariest things i have ever seen used on a human being and seeing it used was something i'll never forget! Worse though.. someone wanted to use it on me! Now, i have a bad habit of laughing as a nervous reaction. I can't help it and know that i do it but unable to stop it. And seeing that strap hover over my body, about to be used i can tell You i was laughing like a drain! Fear was in my eyes and nothing would ever be able to prepare me for it. i'll say this. It wasn't used on me in anger. It was dropped onto me and even that stung.. run if you see you as you'll never want to be hit with that!

Whilst writing this, I wondered if it should be a blow by blow (no pun etc) account of the time or just a sense of what we did. There is much of the general minutiae of the day, in keeping a large house running, making sure the Mistresses are looked after with tea, drinks, tea,.. seemingly endless cups of tea! My main role seemed to be to drive to the shops to collect pre-ordered food, items we'd run out of (who knew so much water would be drunk) etc. So the day would go quite quickly. The evenings were when we had the fun, so to speak.

Remember I said we had a chef. Well, Sunday morning came and the news was the chef had done a runner! Not sure why he had really volunteered but there you go. Luckily, we had a slave who was well trained in cooking so not all bad. But it does go to show, even the best laid plans can to amiss at times.

Sunday was also to be the day of Cuntry Games (sic) and the dreaded "Afternoon Tea" (yes.. more tea). After more of my driving duties were carried out, the fun was to start. It seems that "cuntry games" mainly consist of carrying sex toys in a relay race between your knees. More ritual humiliation for those that took part and for which i managed to avoid having been told to change into my new alter-ego  Mistresses Wife (and that's all you're going to know).

Afternoon Tea - how has this once serene tradition been transformed into a prosecco fueled exercise in humiliation and ritual etiquette much loved by Mistresses in the UK?  I'm not sure how i managed to avoid this event, but somehow i was absent for most of it, just being asked to carry a few cake stands up to the drawing room. This is perhaps my secret. i keep out of the way and hope i won't be notices by my absence until i'm really needed. It's clear to me that some submissives are very service oriented. I'll admit to trying to be more service oriented but I usually fail and my cheeky side takes over, pushing limits where i see an opportunity for merriment. That said, it all went well with lots of tea (a recurring theme) drunk by the Ladies. The evening games were to be the most fun and soon, dinner eaten, kitchen cleaned, crockery put away the fun did indeed start.

One of the pieces of dungeon equipment bought to the house was a portable sling and frame. i've already had several sessions on this and love it. Having seen that it was up, i had a good idea of what may be happening and suitable clothing and preparations were made about myself. Let me say now...one of the highlights of the weekend was being fucked, on a sling, by a latex clad nun! To get there, i was allowed to be taken by three other Mistresses until eventually Mistress Ava, latex clad with full nuns wimple on took me. Here i have a confession, My nipples, which had been the subject of attacks pretty much constantly whilst in Mistress Ava's reach, were sore. Very sore. In fact, as sore as they have ever been. And with one Mistress attacking my nipples, another smothering my mouth and nose, whilst wearing a ball-gag and then a rather large dildo inside me, it all became a bit too much and i had to cry mercy. It's rare for me to do so but trying to focus on one thing with two others going on became too much to deal with. I don't often apologise - much better to not make a mistake in the first place - but here, if the Mistresses concerned read this, i do. Around me, in the room, others were being abused and used. It was quite lewd and the smell of latex and lube the main aroma.

Eventually all came to an end and we retired to the hot-tub room for the much needed relaxation and come down. With the weekend coming to a close, it was just nice to sit, relax, massage feet and look back on the past three days. One more breakfast to get through and the event would come to a close.

So, here we are, A week later, finally recovered with sleep and now already starting to think about next years retreat. What can I say.. I'm a sucker for punishment and abuse but I have no choice but to attend all the time i'm collared to Mistress Ava and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Poetry

I was cleaning out my PC documents folder and found this..

Trembling, i await Your touch
Will it be the gentle caress

Or the fire which tests my will in submission?

Shivering in desire
To prove myself to You my Mistress

Will it be a word that binds?
Ropes that shape and contain?
Or the unyielding demand of whips on flesh?

Eyes wide, i pray in silence
To yield to Your passion.

Will You see my fears today?
And by Your will go down that path?
To take Your pleasure in this hour yet leave me wanting You in eternity?

Quietly breathing,
i wait and wonder my desire, my Mistress



It's still as poignant today as it was when I wrote it in 2006. 

Everything stops for tea!

Afternoon tea. So quintessentially English. The very embodiment of a refined afternoon spent sipping tea, eating delicate sandwiches and cake (lots of cake!!).

But if you then add into the mix a group of like minded Dominant females, the whole afternoon takes on a very different aspect.

Let me put some context around this. If you read my last post, then You'll know i am under the care and ownership of a Mistress i have now known for 15 months. This has not been a trivial decision from either party and i have had to earn this right. But i digress. Mistress is keen to show me other aspects of Her life and not have a D/s relationship that is confined only to the walls of a dungeon or the inside of a fetish club. As part of this, i was told several weeks ago that i was to drive Mistress to a tea-party held at a friends of Hers and would be expected to assist as necessary. I'm not really sure who suggested it, but it ended up be in chauffeur mode, with chauffeurs uniform meeting Mistress at the train station and taking Her to the party, some 50 miles away. Full chauffeur etiquette had to be maintained i.e. me wearing chauffeur cap, brown leather gloves etc. and driving in a way that did not upset my passenger by speeding, going over bumps, gesticulating to other drivers, using my horn. So far so good and to be honest, i quite enjoyed that even if i was conscious of wearing a chauffeurs cap driving down the motorway.

But to the party. Once in, it was clear that there was some chaos still in place but i soon found the one job i am usually good at, pouring the drinks whilst i let the others around me try to sort out the table and make the tea happen. As the afternoon wore on, more drink was consumed and it's fair to say, things were never going to end well for myself and the other submissives in attendance.

The previous day, i had been asked to bring with me three things that would "impress" Mistress. Three things that could potentially be used on me to satisfy any sadistic cravings She may have. So, i selected medical staples (Mistresses favourite), needles and a couple of particularly harsh floggers. The staples were given to the host as She also likes to use these and did so on a young sissy who having claimed to be hardcore, turned out to have never experienced this. And of course, lucky me.. i got have the needles used on me, something Mistress has only done once before but from the gleam in the eyes of the other ladies it was clear they all wanted to join in and so, i found myself in the playroom stripped to my red silk pants, in chastity.. (oh. Did i fail to mention that i was locked up at a party last week and have endured, so far, a week of being locked up, once again putting my cock through unnecessary torment..) having needles pushed through sensitive parts of my body. Whilst this was being done a few things were said, that made me think. The comment "he makes it look so easy" did strike me as something that i could take many different ways. As i was reminded, with control of breathing, you can take a lot of pain and this was no different. i know what to expect, i know what it's going to feel like when a needle is pushed through my nipple that i can deal with it. But what made me smile (inside only i will add) was a comment about piercing my balls. The words "just because the house is locked up, doesn't mean we can't abuse the neighbours" was one of the funniest things i have heard for a long time. It will be some time before i forget that. Anway, needles were used, removed and i cleaned up before watching a naming ceremony that took the form of each Mistress inflicting 15 strokes of Her choice (one for each letter of the new name) and making the slave receing each blow in a different way. For oh so many reasons i cannot say more.

The evening ended with me finally signing a contract of my submission to Mistress, witnessed by the other Mistresses in attendance. So that's it. It's official. I'm a slave who has rules to live by and there is no leaving now.

This was clearly no ordinary tea-party. Rather, it was a wonderful group of Mistresses who all enjoy each others company playing in private with their personal slaves. i admit to feeling anxious and nervous before i attended this as i was aware that i was representing Mistress and my behaviour would reflect on Her. Maybe i was too anxious as really, i just needed to be myself , which i did become fairly soon into the afternoon. i knew one of the other slaves and we get on well and that helped although our talking did lead to a small telling off. But that aside, it's clear that this sort of event is important to Mistress and that i am able to be part of that side of Her life. So, it's not all just being whipped and flogged in a dungeon (as much as i love that) as i am seeing. For me, this just becomes something i have wanted, perhaps without realising it and at the moment, i happy to go along and where things go.

24 Hours to Serve Her

Well, I made it. Mistress has written to me and confirmed acceptance of my submission to Her and my continued service. The three month anniversary actually occurred on the 10th of January, 1.00pm but hey.. whose counting!

To celebrate that, Mistress asked me to spend 24 hours with Her, starting at midday on the 10th where i was to meet Her in London after Her attendance at a club the previous night. So, that's as good a place to start as any.

It had been three weeks since i'd last seen Mistress. Actually, that's not strictly true. We did speak over skype one night during the Christmas and New Year period but that was not as successful as either of us had hoped to due to connection issues etc. But in person, there had been a three week hiatus and this bought that to an end.

We had an busy day ahead with Mistress wanting to get some new stockings from What Katie Did over on Portobello Road, have some lunch (instructions - chicken or fish and healthy salad) and then if time permitted to the Wellcome Collection for the Institute of Sexology. Finally, off to the apartment we had for the evening.

Most of this went well even if we did traverse London from East to West and back East again. But that's the life i choose and i have no complaints, Eventually, we ended back at the apartment where we had drink, some light snacks and where we planned to consummate the anniversary with my submission.

I had previously been forewarned by Mistress that She was packing various weapons and toys, including one of Her larger strapons, commonly known as Goldicock which I'd be entertaining. But that was to come much later.

Now, i could just end it here and use the age old excuse of not wanting to describe in detail what happened between us. But where's the fun in that!! So I'll see how things go.

We started of talking. A lot. About a lot of things but mainly about the last three months and what my feelings were etc. I'm pretty open and honest about these sort of things. My feeling are pretty well known to Mistress and as i've previously written this was not a quick decision to submit but was the end result of a lot of chats and days out to get to know one another. Of course, i wanted to know more about how i was doing etc and how i was dealing with things. Eventually though and quite naturally, i went off to get myself ready for what i knew was about to happen.

Presenting myself to Mistress, i surprised myself by also presenting my collar to Her for me to wear. Now, the collar is quite a difficult topic for me as i have, unsurprisingly i guess, quite strong views on this, feeling as i do that the significance of the collar is sometimes lost when they are given so willingly and quickly to a submissive. Mistress and i had discussed this at great length but did agree that a collar for when we were out at events, to show that i was not available rather than actually collared was appropriate and it was this i presented. It seemed natural and the correct thing to do. Plus, it matched the fetching pair of red silk briefs i had on from xdress, bought especially for this evening.

Can I just say this now. I am not a pussy.. I really can deal with pain but i have never encountered anyone who can squeeze my nipples as hard as Mistress. Really.. no-one. It's painful, makes me squirm and Mistress, knowing this, just does it more! Ok, that's out of the way. But wow.. my nipples came under attack from tooth and nail for some time until we ended up on the bed, me tied down, arse up for the assault that was going to take place. That I won't really bore you with, but we moved from the bed where i was fucked, electrocuted and generally used to the pulled out sofa bed where it continued some time afterwards with Goldicock. But eventually, all good things come to an end and i was untied, allowed to clean myself up and rest. Sleep eventually came, no torture during the night and eventually morning.

Now, here's the thing. i have yet to leave Mistress, when spending any time with Her in the last three months, without being beaten and of course this was going to be no exception. i just waited for this to happen whilst Mistress got Herself ready. Then of course, i was summoned and told to choose a weapon. Not much choice.. all were going to hurt so i took the cowards choice and presented the whip, the martinet and the quirt to Mistress. i was not to know what had been selected until the first hit. This was new. Not quite single tail, not as intense as the martinet and not as thuddy as a flogger. But a sharp, biting pain. i don't count the blows. i've never been asked to and to what end. I'm not allowed to ask for it to stop so i stand and accept what is given to me but for this i found myself wanting it to end. Then i realised, i was not letting go and when i did, it was easier to deal with and when the impact was harder, i found myself able to accept what was being meted out to me. My back felt hot and marked. But here's the rub. The next day, there were little or no marks. No reminder of what had happened to celebrate this small anniversary and my passing into acceptance by Mistress.

And that brings me to the point of this post i guess. The reminder does not have to be physical. Even now, writing this, i can remember minute details of what happened during the 24 hours of service and it's that memory that i will cherish rather than the vanity of looking in the mirror at a marked back acting as a reminder.

We did eventually leave the apartment and headed over to London Fetish Fair, rather earlier than i have ever been before for a quick shopping trip before taking Mistress to the train station and Her journey home. Our time together, for now, had come to and end and i went back to whatever life i call normal.

So, what did I learn. Well, i learnt that tea-cups have to be placed with the handle at 4 o'clock to the recipient and the spoon placed across the top of the saucer. I confirmed to myself that i can relax (not in a tardy way) with Mistress and just give myself to Her. i learnt that Mistress thought i was a pussy! But most of all, i learnt that this was the best thing to happen for a long time and right now, i don't want it to stop.

Three months in..

Well, here we are. It's 2015 already and I'm as excited as I've ever been about upcoming events in my life.

First some updates. Just over a year ago, November 2013, I was at a fetish party held by a good friend. Lot's of people I knew, as ever, but also a lot of new faces. Seems that it had turned into a bit of an after party for Pedestal and quite a few people had come from that. In particular, one person, a Mistress as it happens, stood out with a certain calmness, a sense of who She really was, amongst the usual drunk, stoned and generally fucked up crowd that gathered at these particular parties.

So of course, billy brave here had to talk to this Mistress whom he'd never seen before. And I'll say now, so glad I did. That conversation just intrigued me. We seemed to share a common view on fetish and BDSM, knew a lot of the same people but had just not really encountered each other before. From that meeting, we had a few chats over social media, then informally met up at Pedestal, another party, went out to some other vanilla events and in October last year, I finally gave my submission to Mistress and this was formally accepted by Her.

And what a whirlwind the last 3 months have been! I have truly rediscovered my passion for BDSM, my love of fetish and my desire to be hurt. Best of all though is that Mistress shares all my passions and then some. For the first time in just so many years, I know this is not a game. The is very real and my submission goes beyond just a session every now and then. My life is becoming intertwined with Hers, my needs are subjugated to Hers, i find myself thinking of how i can make Her life easier.

And here we are, at the three month point and we meet this weekend. There has been an implied, but not defined, probation period for the past three months. I have joked that we have both been on probation but it's also been made clear that I'm not allowed to quit! This is a serious lifestyle commitment that i have to make work alongside my normal life. And I'll be honest, there are times when it's a challenge to accommodate my work life and my submission together. I have always traveled for my job and whilst this has eased back in the last year, the indications are that it will increase over the next 12-18 months. i won't always be around at the weekends or other times i'm required. But i try to make to work and so far seem to be able to do so.

All that aside, i will confess to being happier than i have been for a long time. Once again my body regularly carries the marks of being beaten, of having needles puncture my flesh or (Mistresses favourite) staples punched into my body and of course, being the masochist i am, i just crave more or the same. But it's also a feeling of trust when i am with Mistress that i have only really felt a few times in my life. I trust Her to know when i am at my limit, to know when i can be pushed further and to take me there. i am used as Mistress pleases, when She pleases and i could want for nothing more, well.. actually i just want more.

i've no idea what the next three months will be like, More of the same of no doubt, Saying that, no two encounters with Mistress have been the same. Each time brings its own unique intensity and passion. But i'm sure that i will be taken deeper into submitting to Mistress and my life will continue to change and evolve as i submit.

Chastity, Chastity, they all want my chastity..

As you will have previously read (those that have read previous posts that is) I have mixed views on chastity. From saying I'll never do it, through to being locked up for several weeks and here I am again, having just had a week of locked up chastity, which followed a week of self enforced chastity to now, something much worse!

Let me explain. I have recently entered into a new D/s relationship with who I can only really describe as the most amazing Mistress. We've known each other for about a year and i started formal submission about 2 months ago.

Well, a few weeks ago, a weekend retreat was held and i was invited to attend, which i did. I was also asked to bring with me my chastity device and to not feel nervous. All well and good. But then, I was also told to not masturbate for a week prior to the event. I've always found self regulated chastity one of the more difficult tasks. It's all about will-power of course and the hope that at the end some relief will be given. But a week I managed and of course, I was locked up on the Friday. No relief for me then.

The retreat ended and, in a foolish expectation I would be released, I was duly informed that I would be spending a week locked up, until Mistress and I met again on the following Friday. Oh joy. As I've previously written on the things I hate about chastity, it comes as no surprise that I was not jumping with joy. But again, a week I managed and was duly released on the Friday. Then I was given a new rule. I was no allowed to masturbate, but only on a Monday and a Friday and then only under instruction from Mistress. This was a new twist for me. From just wanking whenever, to no wanking and now intermittent wanking. But I accepted it as something was better than nothing.

The first Friday, I was given 8 minutes to masturbate. No more, no less. I managed 7. First fail.

The next Monday. Given 8 minutes again. But.. thanks to interuptions, no orgasm achieved in timescale. 2nd fail,

The following Friday. Mistress takes me in hand. I have no chance of cumming! Third fail

Monday just gone. Success.! So, in 4 weeks, I have had one orgasm. One. A single solitary ejaculation. This from a possible (when wanking was free) 28.

Chastity. It seems I'll never be far away from the next time my cock is locked up or just not allowed to wank. It sounds as if I am complaining about this. But reality it, I am so happy to be serving Mistress that this is a very small issue and one that I deal with. I may joke and laugh about it, but there is a serious side as it shows that I can control myself, can take orders and can respect Mistresses wishes and desires. I've no idea how long this will go on for though and know from experience not to ask.

Update - 6th December.

It's now 5 weeks and 2 orgasms. I forgot one on the first day of the Monday & Friday regime. Last night, a Friday was another fail, Mistress has an unerring knack of knowing when I'm going to be interrupted and not able to cum.

Update - 8th December

Finally was allowed an orgasm on Monday. No instructions, no directions. Give a free hand, so to speak Score now 3 in 5 weeks. But whose counting.. !

Patience

I'm rubbish at being patient. Seriously rubbish at it and both being impatient and knowing that I'm impatient annoy me. It's a weakness in me rather than anything else. Just because I want something to happen now, doesn't mean that others also feel that way.

Impatience is often described as a basic character flaw or as a "dard" personality trait and generally has two definitions -

• irritation with anything that causes delay;
• a restless desire for change and excitement;

With me, it's the second. When I know something new is going to start, of course I get excited at the possibility of that and the change it's going to bring. And I want it to happen now, all the while knowing that patience will bring it's own reward in the long term. New adventures cannot be rushed but once I've made my mind up to make the change I want it to happen immediately or at least, as soon as quickly as possible. 

So, yes I'm impatient, yes I'm aware of that, but can I change that. I'm not sure. I can control it as I have to often. But in psychological terms it's a chief feature and it it's usually as a result of events back in childhood. This in turn leads to a behaviour trait and coping strategy such as a persona to hide issues such as a constant fear and sense of insecurity and worse, misconceptions about the nature of self and life. It's a pretty negative behaviour to have. Interestingly it's more often than not also associated with those who suffer with hypertension (something I have had since my 20's), 

Maybe this post is just a way of venting my inner frustration and desire to control that impatience as I know, that if what I am frustrated about goes forward, it's something I will will just have to deal with and put to the back of my mind.