Slipping away

One day, you suddenly wake up and bang.. you find yourself missing something very important in you life.

For the past few weeks, I have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then I realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have I have not been able to keep in contact as I should. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always up to me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, I should never have anything that I cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things I find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where I can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.

For the first time in a long time I find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress. This is a feeling that over recent weeks has become stronger and stronger. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but I will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt as part of me has forgotten what it is like to session properly and there is a hesitation, even a fear to do so. Totally irrational of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.

I do feel at times very mixed up. I know, or at least I hope, that I could have a lot more time with Mistress if I were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses I know but also reality). I want to go out to more clubs and parties as there is not shortage of invites. But this I also know will never happen unless I make changes in my life that will affect to many others and I am I honest I cannot really ever see happening.

I would say I am not usually down-beat and depressed but today is one of those days. Just a winging sub I am sure you say. Just the facts of life I say.