Chastity, Chastity, they all want my chastity..

As you will have previously read (those that have read previous posts that is) I have mixed views on chastity. From saying I'll never do it, through to being locked up for several weeks and here I am again, having just had a week of locked up chastity, which followed a week of self enforced chastity to now, something much worse!

Let me explain. I have recently entered into a new D/s relationship with who I can only really describe as the most amazing Mistress. We've known each other for about a year and i started formal submission about 2 months ago.

Well, a few weeks ago, a weekend retreat was held and i was invited to attend, which i did. I was also asked to bring with me my chastity device and to not feel nervous. All well and good. But then, I was also told to not masturbate for a week prior to the event. I've always found self regulated chastity one of the more difficult tasks. It's all about will-power of course and the hope that at the end some relief will be given. But a week I managed and of course, I was locked up on the Friday. No relief for me then.

The retreat ended and, in a foolish expectation I would be released, I was duly informed that I would be spending a week locked up, until Mistress and I met again on the following Friday. Oh joy. As I've previously written on the things I hate about chastity, it comes as no surprise that I was not jumping with joy. But again, a week I managed and was duly released on the Friday. Then I was given a new rule. I was no allowed to masturbate, but only on a Monday and a Friday and then only under instruction from Mistress. This was a new twist for me. From just wanking whenever, to no wanking and now intermittent wanking. But I accepted it as something was better than nothing.

The first Friday, I was given 8 minutes to masturbate. No more, no less. I managed 7. First fail.

The next Monday. Given 8 minutes again. But.. thanks to interuptions, no orgasm achieved in timescale. 2nd fail,

The following Friday. Mistress takes me in hand. I have no chance of cumming! Third fail

Monday just gone. Success.! So, in 4 weeks, I have had one orgasm. One. A single solitary ejaculation. This from a possible (when wanking was free) 28.

Chastity. It seems I'll never be far away from the next time my cock is locked up or just not allowed to wank. It sounds as if I am complaining about this. But reality it, I am so happy to be serving Mistress that this is a very small issue and one that I deal with. I may joke and laugh about it, but there is a serious side as it shows that I can control myself, can take orders and can respect Mistresses wishes and desires. I've no idea how long this will go on for though and know from experience not to ask.

Update - 6th December.

It's now 5 weeks and 2 orgasms. I forgot one on the first day of the Monday & Friday regime. Last night, a Friday was another fail, Mistress has an unerring knack of knowing when I'm going to be interrupted and not able to cum.

Update - 8th December

Finally was allowed an orgasm on Monday. No instructions, no directions. Give a free hand, so to speak Score now 3 in 5 weeks. But whose counting.. !

Patience

I'm rubbish at being patient. Seriously rubbish at it and both being impatient and knowing that I'm impatient annoy me. It's a weakness in me rather than anything else. Just because I want something to happen now, doesn't mean that others also feel that way.

Impatience is often described as a basic character flaw or as a "dard" personality trait and generally has two definitions -

• irritation with anything that causes delay;
• a restless desire for change and excitement;

With me, it's the second. When I know something new is going to start, of course I get excited at the possibility of that and the change it's going to bring. And I want it to happen now, all the while knowing that patience will bring it's own reward in the long term. New adventures cannot be rushed but once I've made my mind up to make the change I want it to happen immediately or at least, as soon as quickly as possible. 

So, yes I'm impatient, yes I'm aware of that, but can I change that. I'm not sure. I can control it as I have to often. But in psychological terms it's a chief feature and it it's usually as a result of events back in childhood. This in turn leads to a behaviour trait and coping strategy such as a persona to hide issues such as a constant fear and sense of insecurity and worse, misconceptions about the nature of self and life. It's a pretty negative behaviour to have. Interestingly it's more often than not also associated with those who suffer with hypertension (something I have had since my 20's), 

Maybe this post is just a way of venting my inner frustration and desire to control that impatience as I know, that if what I am frustrated about goes forward, it's something I will will just have to deal with and put to the back of my mind. 

The story of me

Some time ago I was set a task to write how I came to be where I am today with regards to fetish and BDSM. It needs updating but generally, it still holds true.

So, where to begin? I have always known I was different and not just interested in girls in the way most boys were. I always liked the girls who were stronger, taller, more intelligent, who knew what they wanted from life. I was always drawn to powerful females. When I was very young, probably aged 6 or 7, I used to go for a walk with one of my Aunts. She always wore the softest leather gloves and I would hold her hand as we walked across the road and the feel of the glove, the softness of the leather was something that I loved to experience. As I grew older, into my teens, I started to explore that further, looking at pictures of girls in leather and with that came a love of girls in high heels, especially boots and in particular thigh high leather boots . Aged 15, I knew I wanted nothing more than to find girl who would dress that way but of course, it was not going to happen! That would come later in life.

At 17, I joined the Army and I guess over the next few years had no time to indulge my fantasies as Army life was pretty busy as a recruit. Then, I was posted to Germany and with more free time once again started to explore my love of leather. I found a magazine one day that had lots of contacts in and especially a lot of contacts from Mistresses in London. One immediately took my attention. It was Mistress with long black hair, dressed in a leather corset, long leather gloves and thigh high boots with what must have been a 10” heel and 5” platform. They were fantastic and I spent each day looking at the photo and using it to masturbate to, in my mind I was there in front of Her, on my knees touching the boots and feeling the leather. I must explain that at this stage I just knew I wanted to find a woman in leather. I was not really aware of BDSM and all that it included. But I was soon to be!

I had some leave due and came back to UK. As I lived in London, I made a decision to pay for a session with this Mistress I had so long fantasised about. So, agreeing a time, I went along to Her chambers in Earls Court. Even now, 32 years later I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I was shown in and taken to a room where all sorts of things hung on the walls! I was not sure what I had let myself in for when Mistress Tricia came in and as I had already asked for Her to wear the boots, I was just stunned. She looked magnificent and towered above me. Looking at me, she asked why I was still standing and why I was not undressed! So, I very quickly did as she asked and was soon being asked questions as to what I was after, what I had done before etc. Obviously, this being my first time, I had no experience of what I was after and what could be done. So, I sort of agreed to everything she suggested and soon found myself kissing her boots, feeling the leather against my tongue and I knew I was in heaven! Over the next hour, I was introduced to bondage, spanking, humiliation and for the first time I had my arse used. A rush of feelings, sensations and desires came rushing over me and I knew that I had finally found a home for all the feelings I had had since a young child. I just wanted to submit and be controlled, to be dominated by a Mistress. It was if a door had been opened and I had been shown what I was there and I wanted more.

Over the next couple of years, whenever I was in the UK, I would visit Mistress Tricia and on each visit I was taken further. I was whipped, spanked, had wax poured on me, learnt to drink her piss, to clean her boots with my tongue and I learnt that I was truly submissive with a desire to give up control totally to a Mistress. And of course, I was introduced to having my arse used by her with various strap-ons and dildos. I tried to find the same in Germany, where I was serving with the Army but the reality was my lack of German made it hard to explain what I was after. So, for the time being I stuck with the visits in the UK 3 or 4 times a year.

Eventually, I moved back to the UK and found myself visiting other Mistresses. I found a love of rubber, I loved dressing up in it and feeling it. The smell, the touch just felt so good to me. I wanted sessions that involved lots of rubber and found a Mistress who had clothes for me to wear – latex cat suits etc and hoods, masks, etc. I loved wearing gasmasks and having my breath controlled. I was seeing a Mistress in Birmingham once a month at least. She took me to new levels of pain and worship. She would start off with an enema, making sure I was totally clean. Then dressing me in latex, after awhile she would start to dress in me more female type clothes – corset, stockings, gloves etc. Then boots, adding false breasts and finally full make-up over a period of about 6 months. I had become her latex doll and slut. One day when visiting her she told me she had a special surprise for me. I was dressed in latex from head to toe and had my hands tied behind my back and a spreader put between my ankles. I was told to kneel and blindfolded. I could hear her go out of the room and a few minutes later return but this time with someone else. I was told to trust her and given a deep inhalation of poppers – at that time they were different to ones you get nowadays and a lot stronger. My head was swimming, I was in a nice place and I was told to open my mouth. Then, without warning, I felt something inside it and knew straight away it was a cock and I was sucking my first cock. I was, at first, a bit shocked, but then started to feel it get harder as I instinctively sucked, the Mistress holding my head so I could not pull back. It felt so nice and I just really got into, sucking, licking and taking it. Of course, the thing I was not quite prepared for was when the cock just throbbed and a stream of cum shot into my mouth. However, I had for some time been swallowing my own cum whenever I masturbated so it was not that bad so I swallowed it all and then the blindfold was removed and I saw a fantastic looking “female” in front of me. This was my first time with a TV and I was, I have to say, hooked. I wanted to suck more cock and especially wanted to play with other TV’s and Shemales.

It seemed in about 10 years I had gone from just wanting to kiss some boots to a being a latex clad cock-sucker. How much further could I be taken I wondered, but of course there was a lot more fun. I was still getting fucked by the Mistress and her strapons. They would get bigger, wider and I would beg for more. Eventually I was fisted by her. I was on another planet as I felt her whole hand go in and then start to work in and out. It was an unbelievable feeling and only a few times since have I ever felt the same.

It was also this Mistress (Mistress Dawn was her name) who had me fucked by a real cock for the first time. Again, it was a TV and again I loved it. I was not sure if was bi-sexual or not as I knew I had no attraction to guys, just guys who looked like girls. I had found a side of me that I never knew existed and it was surprising just how much I liked it. I started to go to TV Clubs and found myself wanting to submit to a Shemale Mistress which eventually I did and whilst I enjoyed it, I had more fun with a female Mistress who made me to things that I was not expecting. The humiliation aspect was more exciting than just doing it freely.  I suppose in a way I almost settled into a pattern – seeing a Mistress on a regular basis and with some variation, being tied up, humiliated etc in different ways. Pain was always a part of the session and would involve anything from the use of electo-stim devices on my cock, balls, hot wax etc I was introduced to needle play and what an introduction! In a bondage cage and needles just eased through my nipples. The endorphins rush was unlike anything I had ever experienced and added a new dimension to my love of pain. And my love of latex and fetish wear just got stronger and stronger. I started to buy my own latex to wear at home and around about 1988 went to my first fetish club, something I still do nearly 25 years later.

Like many of us, I also had a very vanilla side and like many people, the girl I was with was not into fetish in the same way I was. I will accept she tried – we went to a club a few times together but she really did not enjoy it, especially the BDSM side. So, whilst we never really mentioned it, I just started going out to clubs by myself and made my own friends in that world. Strangely, we lasted nearly 20 years together and it was almost an unspoken part of the relationship, but of course, it was also finally the thing that really caused us to break up as I only really wanted to go to fetish clubs and the majority of my friends were from the fetish world whilst hers were not.

One thing that did happen was that I pretty much stopped going to see a professional Mistress. I still played – but usually in clubs or private parties. As my life changed, with children etc, I felt emotionally that it was not the best thing to pay for my own pleasure whilst money was needed at home. Whilst I never saw it as paying for sex, it was probably the right decision to make.

Over the years, I built up a nice collection of my own latex and other fetish items such as thigh boots, hoods, some bondage stuff, anal toys etc. I would happily be at home by myself and dress up and pleasure myself. I loved the feeling of being in tight latex, a tight latex hood on and my arse filled with a big butt plug. I would lay there hours, just keeping myself aroused and on the edge of orgasm for as long as I could and then, finally, when I did cum, always eating it. The Mistress in Birmingham had made me always clean myself up and it has become almost automatic for me to do so.

About 2001, I met, at a party a very special Mistress who I found myself drawn to in a way I had never felt before.  There was something about her that I wanted to discover and over a few months, we ran into each other at clubs and parties. Finally, I built up the courage to approach her and introduced myself. I was slightly taken aback when asked why it had taken so long as she had noticed me, but once I did, we spent a long time talking and getting to know each other. We agreed to meet for dinner and lunch a few times when finally she asked if I wanted to see her for a session, to which I of course agreed. I was then shown a new world of High Protocol, where everything I did revolved around serving the Mistress, where I was not allowed to talk unless spoken to, and each sentence had to include Mistress. Punishments were subtle – they involved daily cold showers or only being allowed to say 4 words when in her presence. I learnt to accept physical punishments such as whipping and flogging and of course, lots and lots of shoe, heel and foot worship. We saw each other regularly for about a year when I was asked if I would become her collared slave and sign a slave contract. This was a huge step for me as I had never become this serious about a Mistress before. We went ahead with this and for four years, I was exclusively her slave. I would take her to clubs, ensure she was looked after, take her shopping, care for her shoes etc. But, it was a very demanding relationship as I was still living with my girlfriend and I could not give as much time to both the Mistress and my home as I wanted and eventually, I had to ask to leave the contract. We talked about it for a long time and eventually we came to a compromise that meant I we would still see each other, I would not see another Mistress but it would be mostly when we went clubbing together etc. People knew me as her slave and it is only in the last year that we have stopped seeing each other so much. Now, we are good friends and not really Mistress/slave but when out, I am loyal to her at all times and we probably get on better now then we have ever done./ 

So, that brings me to the now. Over nearly 35 years, I look at what I did so long ago, just wanting to smell leather and now…. well, perhaps there is little I don’t consider doing and very few taboos. I have appeared in fetish porn films, done stage shows and been on the television to talk about the lifestyle. I am, I have to say, pretty happy in my own skin and have no real regrets about my past other than I probably do not play as often as I want now and age has slowed me down in regards of staying out all night!

It's now  May 2020 and I thought it worth updating this as so much has happened since I wrote this. Late 2014 I was a friends party in London when I met someone who, whilst I didn't know it at the time, would become the most important part of my life for the next five years. She would allow me to be who I really wanted to be and when with me, She was was the person She wanted to be. Mistress Ava was, and always will so special to me in ways I can never really describe. We went away together, attended clubs, parties, international events and for 5 years I lived the dream of so many submissive males. I've written a few posts about our time together but was asked to stop at one point. I have thought about copying all the emails between us and creating a blog from that as it's quite a journey. But maybe that's for another day. Our relationship was far more than that of Mistress and slave. I  was, for the first time, truly happy to wear a collar and accept all that the collar signified. My latex wardrobe got even bigger, my toy collection expanded and life was good. But things came to an end in February 2020 and it took me a lot longer than I expected to get over this to the point i had no desire to go to any events, see anyone from the scene etc. for several years.  In 2022 i made the decision to start going to clubs that were mainly focussed on latex rather them BDSM or D/s and it's there i find myself happiest. 

Pay and Play - Different Experiences

So, this month, I've been a busy bee. It’s rare for me to go to a play and pay party. I used to go to them often but over recent years, my play has become a private thing and I was lucky to have someone who liked to play at the same intensity as me and had the same sort of interests as well. But, recently we have not really found time to meet up – we both have jobs that involve working away – and as such I've not really been able to satisfy the never-ending urge for pain and pleasure. So the opportunity came up to go to a couple of pay and play events and I thought why not. One was focussed purely on strap-on play and the other a more general party. Aside from the themes, they could not have been more different.

When you hold an event such as this and the males pay, no an inconsiderable amount, to attend there is in my mind a reasonable expectation that the Dommes attending will play with, whilst not all, at least some of the guys there. At one party this was clearly the case. There was lots of participation, no-one was really left wanting more and everyone was happy and I would happily go to another of their events. I left sore and happy. All this in a small dungeon space, maybe 12'x12' but with all you could want for such an event.

The other.. well it was a strange event. Firstly it was in a huge space and one of the best equipped in terms of BDSM furniture that I have seen for awhile. Medical room, large dungeon type space, great seated area, bar.. it had all you could want.  But what made it strange was the lack of participation or what seemed to be the case. At least one of the Mistresses there was only interested in playing with her sub/partner she arrived with. That was not really much of a surprise as they are often out on the club scene and he only ever plays with Her (or as most people think, only allows Her to play with him) and oh the stories I could tell about them! Some of the other Mistresses there seemed happy to just sit around at the bar and not really take part at all, which rather defeats the object of going I suspect whilst others played with subs they knew.

I should add that not all were like that. Several joined in with gusto, doing multiple scenes with various subs (myself included) and clearly getting into the spirit of the event. Ultimately it could be that it was the fault of the sub guys there. In my experience, you need to be a little bit forward and ask to play as it usually won’t be forthcoming and whilst you may be shy, being so does usually mean you won't get to play. It also helped perhaps that I came loaded with weapons (a good masochist should always come prepared and I was that, with my bag of toys and tools of torture) and some of these were used on me. Again, I left sort and happy and have the marks to remind me of the party several days later.

Let me say now that it’s not a criticism of the event itself. I’ll probably go the next one as I had fun, met up with some old friends and made some new ones. But it’s more a criticism of the attendees and what should be expected. Maybe some ground rules need to be laid out over and above the usual “no means no” sort of thing and then maybe the event will be more inclusive and those there who had no play will get to have fun as well, as without the guys, there is no pay.

Gimme' the money because I'm worth it!

Pay pigs, money slave, human ATM's, cash slaves.. there are lots of descriptive terms for those who seem to want nothing more than to give a Mistress/Goddess/Princess money and get nothing in return. OK, nothing maybe harsh. They get the fleeting attention from the person they have sent money to. Or if not money, some from of gift certificate or seemingly more often nowadays something from an Amazon gift list. And it'sQ this attention that the above seem to crave more than anything. It all seems a bit..well...shallow if I'm honest. And, I suspect, a way of the unscrupulous (not all) taking advantage of those who seemingly enjoy this.

Don't get me wrong when I say this, as each of us is different, but I just don't get it. All well and good, if that's enough for you to get your rocks off. But for me.. no. I have to have more. I thrive when there is that physical contact between the Mistress and myself and i am there, in Your presence, kneeling, waiting for instruction or punishment. My own sense of wanting to serve extends far beyond just wanting to send a gift or money. My submissiveness is only fully realised when i am in the physical presence of the Mistress.  A big part of that is what I am. Primarily, i'm a masochist who submits. Yes, I am also submissive but that is not the be all and end all of what make me who I am. It's complicated at times but it usually works best when I manage to find a Mistress I really connect with. It's happened maybe three times in 30 years that I have had that unspoken connection with the Mistress and I have submitted without question or hesitation and accepted whatever was meted out. I will say now that I think  am close to that again but more of that later I hope.

So, for me the act of sending a monetary gift as the only form of submission does not really do anything for me. Of course though, I do like to show my appreciation to a Mistress..a birthday or Christmas gift etc but to only send money or a gift because that is what She demands has no meaning to me. There is no sense of wanting to do it, no sense of fulfillment in doing it. As I said, I need more.

Why I am writing this. Well, it's really for one person who I like and would love, one day, to meet up with. But this person (ok..Goddess), is a Fin Domme and we talk via social media now and then about this topic. Unfortunately, 140 words is not really enough to express all my thoughts and feelings on this so I'm writing here.  I did send Her a gift.. once. I truly wanted to see if I could sustain a relationship like that but it was very clear to me, very quickly, that I couldn't. The ever present carrot of meeting one day was not enough to keep me giving and whilst there is a sense of regret that I will probably never meet Her, I still harbour that desire.

Suddenly, I'm the oldest in the room.

I suppose it had to happen one day sooner or later. Time has crept on and whilst many friends of my are still in the scene, a lot of young people are always coming into it as well. And then one day, you're at a party and you look around and you realise.. you're the oldest in the room.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have no issues with how old I am. As I say frequently, getting old is mandatory, acting old is a decision. And I do refuse, in part to believe I am the age I am so I certainly won't act it. But it does make you think and look back on the fun times over the years and in some ways, how things have changed.

Tell a young'un that when I started out, making an appointment to see a Mistress for a seesion was stressful. Writing a letter to contact magazine, enclosing a S.A.E (that's a Stamped Addressed Envelope for the young ones) and waiting for the response took ages. Usually it would come back with a scribbled note on the back, telling you to call a number or worse.. nothing would come back! Of course, there were the phone box cards, if you were lucky enough to be in London. But if you lived outside the choices were limited. And of course, clubs did not exist in the way they do today. It was a very secret and underground lifestyle 30 years ago.

There was no ready access to porn either. There were some "specialist" shops selling magazines depicting leather clad Dommes, but few and far between and with the advent of VHS, you could occasionally get some fetish and BDSM movies from "under the counter", wrapped in a brown bag for your later viewing pleasure. Oh how things have changed. A few clicks of the mouse and I can see whatever takes my fancy, from professional studio produced stereotypical porn to home made fetish.

And that really brings me to my real point. Has the ready availability of porn created a totally false expectation of fetish and BDSM for people coming into it now? From comments on twitter, facebook, fetlife etc you often read about guys who have unrealistic expectations of what a session is likely to be and what will take place and in part I suspect this is down to the way that fetish and BDSM is depicted on the internet. Mistresses, for example, do not all have huge busts (OK.. I can think of some that do OK) along with unfeasibly small waits and huge amounts of hair. It's an image that has been created to satisfy the fantasy. Equally, Mistresses do not give you a blow job whilst you're tied up. Saying that, my girlfriend at one time who was also a Pro-Domme did like to do that to me but we were in a relationship that involved us doing the normal stuff as well as the kink. But to expect it in a session with a Pro-Domme? Maybe I am just having a rant as now I'm old (and overweight, balding and very pale skinned - I paint such an attractive picture) I am no catch for a Mistress. But, I'm polite, respectful and understand what is expected and that I hope will never go away, not matter how much porn I watch.

Is this the worse BDSM depiction ever!

There is a Canadian TV series called The Transporter, based on the films of the same name. A recent episode had what I think it one of the worse depictions of BDSM I have seen for a long time! A leather clad dominatrix is feebly beating a female whilst a man directs the scene. There is so much wrong but I suppose it's just for telly!

See what you think,

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO NEW GOOGLE GUIDELINES