Yahoo sucks! Whatever has happened is frustrating. My account has been hijacked and it would seem there is no way of getting it back at the moment. i do not seem to be alone in this as Mistress Diva has also had the same issue. That aside.



Thursdays are interesting days. i go to see my therapist (sounds so American!) most Thursdays. Usually we talk about relationships.. such as with my mother, my children etc. and never really about BDSM. But now, part of me wants to tell her all. But i do hold back as at the moment i neither feel ready or see that it will be of any benefit. But i think that one day it will happen and that does scare me in a strange way. Whilst she knows about my DS involvement, she does not really know the full extent or my need for it.



i have found myself looking back at yesterday (Wednesday) a lot today. In some respects, i told Mistress Diva more about myself that i have done up until now but i also know that i am holding back. Part of me is still scared of where this will go, especially on an emotional level. i have never wanted to feel for a Mistress. Rather, up until now, i have been to see a Mistress for my reasons and my pleasure rather than Hers. But this is very different. By doing certain things, acting in a certain way, i please Mistress Diva. Yes, i do get pleasure from it and the inner feelings i get are both new and at the same time right, but emotionally i am only now learning how to deal with it. i have never really had to think about the Mistress in this way before now. My focus was always on myself and taking pleasure. Now its totally reversed. i want to act in a way that will give Mistress Diva pleasure. There is still a part of me that asks "why me?". In reality i at the moment i don't want to know the answer. i just consider myself lucky that it is me and that i will do all i can to make it the best experience possible.

i have just got home after being with Mistress Diva. Logged on, went to Mistress's yahoo group and then cried in happiness. My poem to Mistress Diva was there for all to see. i was overcome totally seeing it there as it was so unexpected. It made my heart swell with joy and my eyes swell with tears. Quite conflicting really but none the less, it's how i felt.





On the way home, i was thinking about where things and whether i have progressed. i feel i have and each day i think of Mistress Diva and how best i can serve Her. Being in a vanilla relationship as well does of course give me some constraints that i have to live within. But within those constraints i do feel that i am starting to focus more on Mistress Diva as Mistress and Goddess than i ever have with anyone else before. But this is only to be expected really given that i have never entered into this type of DS relationship before.



i posted a message on Mistress Diva's yahoo group. In part it goes towards explaining how i feel about submission and is quite personal. It was something i thought about some time ago and how being a submissive affected me. Like all things it also tears away another layer of myself and exposes it to Mistress Diva. i have an internal battle raging in that i know i have to expose myself in this way, let Mistress Diva inside me and see who i am, but at the same time it has been so long, indeed if ever, that i have let anyone get this close to knowing who i really am that i can feel myself resisting. My moods seem to swing so easily from elation to sadness and back again. Mistress Diva does make me happy but when i realise i have done something wrong i drop. Something for me to work on. i still have two things to write for Mistress Diva and neither are proving easy to me at the moment. Maybe this is causing me anguish without me realisng it but they will be done because i have both been asked to and i want to.



Its late and my mind starts to wander so best i go.

Sunday 4th April, London Fetish Fair, London. This day was great but also put me in a slight dilemma. For a start i was 45 minutes late! So thats 45 pegs to come at another date! The dilemma though was that i was there both to see Mistress Diva and also to catch up with friends from UKM. i did not want to appear rude to either and hopefully i struck a balance. Time will tell i guess. The other reason to be there of course was to spend some money on my collar. Whilst i have a collar already, this was not bought with any significant factors in mind, it was a collar. However this would be my collar to wear with Mistress Diva and will come to represent part of my submission and slavery to Mistress Diva. This had already been discussed and i knew the stall that would probably have the best one and was the same as Mistress Diva. Thank-goodness for Top To Bottom Leathers! After i approached Mistress Diva to let Her know i was there, i went to see some friends who were there. Now, i know how i feel and the effect of seeing Mistress Diva has on me. However, i did not realise that it was so visible from the outside as well. Apparently, i was glowing, happy and smiling. Again, my emotions are so transparent at the moment that its almost as if i not the same person i was just a few weeks ago. Whilst never one to show much emotion anyway, i now seem to be showing everyone exactly how i feel when around Mistress Diva.



A couple of collars were looked at and Mistress Diva selected one She liked.. black with a silver trim and locking clasp. Padded, soft.. lovely. And of course a matching blindfold. Goods purchased, bagged up and then.. gone! Of course, part of me knew they would be taken by Mistress Diva for later use, but i would have liked a glimpse...a touch...but i am sure that will all come later. A bit more of a walk around and a look at a stall that specialises in medical type toys and it would seem a range of vicious look gags! Mistress Diva looked, selected and requested. i obliged hoping that we would not have to try it out there and then, indeed if we never have to use it on me i won't be that unhappy! i also got some things for myself. A set of cups, a toy i have wanted for some time and an evil little acupuncture hammer. Not something i will be using on myself but i am sure in the hands of Mistress Diva will provide hours of amusement for one of us.



Whilst with my friends, i could not stop looking across the bar to Mistress Diva. The most difficult part was to also concentrate on what my friends were saying whilst not giving away who i was looking at. i wanted to shout out what was changing in my life but knew i could not and never would without permission. Eventually the fair started to close. i stayed with Mistress Diva and plans were agreed for the following few days. Most importantly i would go to Fettered Pleasures with Mistress Diva on Wednesday. Something to look forward to certainly and give me more food for thought. Then something totally unexpected. In saying goodbye to Mistress Diva, i was first given Her hand to kiss. Then, Mistress Diva told me to kneel and kiss Her feet. For me, this was new ground. Public displays of worship and submission were never something i had ever really gone for. But again, it felt so natural, so right. i had no hesitation is doing it and was rewarded with a smile from Mistress Diva. Something that made me feel warm and happy all the way home.

An enjoyable read ray, in future please note factual data (dates and times) around your thoughts and feelings. I also look forward to you bringing your journal up to date asap.



Thank you for my gift yesterday.



D

Right, time to catch up and try to bring things up to date. After the dinner request, i booked a restaurant in Richmond that i hoped would be OK. From memory it had nice feel, food was good and should be able to chat without disturbance. When Monday came, there was some apprehension but by now i wanted this to happen and nothing would have made me cancel.



i was sitting down at the table when Mistress Diva walked in. To say my heart lit up is a bit of an understatement. i was seated right at the back but could see the doorway and there was Mistress Diva, tall, long hair looking every inch the person i wanted to serve. Should i use the word Goddess? i don't know but thats the way it felt. When Mistress Diva had sat down, first problem. No ashtray and the waiter, bless him, said it was no-smoking. i was sure this was not the case and eventually one was bought to the table. Mistress Diva perused the menu, of course at the stage i was not aware of the expectation that i would order for Her, made a selection and the food was ordered along with my choice of wine. Over dinner, i started to open up, telling Mistress Diva more about me, my experiences and feelings on DS and how i had arrived at the place i felt i was at in my life. Mistress Diva smiles a lot. Its fantastic, Her whole face lights up, Her laugh is infectious and feels me with such a great feeling. i have always been reserved in showing emotion. Big issue in my life but part of growing up meant best to keep yourself to yourself. Anyway, i felt myself drawn in, as the night went on becoming so much happier, feeling this happiness Mistress Diva has. Part of my loved the fact i could make Her laugh, make Her smile. It seemed to say to me that i was doing something right.



Dinner went on, the wine was drunk between U/us and then desert. Now, i have a HUGE sweet tooth. Puddings have always been a weakness but not all of them. The restaurant is known for its traditional Breton cooking, which does mean pancakes. My choice was easy in my mind. A pancake with apple and a caramel sauce. Mistress Diva on the other hand, wanted Creme Brulee. Did She know? How? The one desert i have never really liked, and it turns out to be Her favourite. Indeed, in the future we may get to share one between U/us. i will cross that bridge when i come to it i guess. Deserts duly arrived and eaten. Mistress Diva wanted to taste some of mine. OK but how to make a piece seem attractive and not a huge mess of pancake, sticky sauce and apple. i did not really succeed but Mistress Diva did get to taste it. i think there was a sign of approval, but not enough to win the day over the Creme Brulee.



A lot of ground was covered in terms of what we talked about. In particular some of the expectations of being a contractual slave to Mistress Diva. That it was not just about serving Her but also about me growing as a person, becoming a better person through submission. In some ways these were new concepts to me and just showed to me my level of growth was small compared to Mistress Diva. But by now, i was even more convinced that this was what i wanted. It was an opportunity that i had only ever really dreamed about and in reality never thought would come along. It was something that i was sure was not offered to many and those that turned it down did so at their own peril. As the evening was drawing to an end, Mistress Diva complained Her feet ached. Now, this was going to be interesting. To some, this would seem a very public display, to others a loving act. But with foot on my leg, i started to rub through the soft leather of the boot. It seemed very natural for me to do and something i enjoyed doing (why do i always deny that i like foot worship!!). Was this a test? i guess i will never know. So it came for me to go home. It was Monday, where to go.. ah of course the Philbeach, sleazy haunt of London TV/TS. But no. Mistress Diva was going and i felt it right and proper that i did not go. Best really as now had lot to think about and with Wednesday a no go, wondering when i would get to see Mistress Diva again.

i know that i should really be trying to bring matters upto date, but i just had to write. Today is the first one-on-one session i am having with Mistress Diva. All morning, i have been in a state of nerves. Now, when i session this is not that unusual for me but today its a lot higher and even now there is a mild adrenilin rush. i have no idea what will happen in the session, what shape it will take, but i do know that i have never wanted anything as much as i want this.

In reality my mind was in turmoil and once again, my innate stupidity did not really comprehend was was actually being offered. It took an explanation from Mistress Diva that this was not just about sessioning together, it was a lot more. i would spend time with Mistress Diva outside the dungeon, eventually taking her to parties, clubs etc. as Her slave. This was way beyond what i had ever considered and suddenly it was all i wanted. Nothing else seemed to matter and i knew that i had to accept. But once again, i seemed to want to blow it, not realising the significance of the contract ceremony. Thus suitably taught, i realised i had so much to learn.



It seemed best that i did not attend ESS&EMM. However this again was an error of mine, as although i had said to Mistress Diva i was going, it seemed i was not on the list. My stupidity can reign supreme at times. i did not get the point being made (again!) and in any event it was likely the party would be cancelled due to lack of attendees. However, my heart sang when i was told to make a dinner reservation for Monday, my choice of restaurant, in Richmond to meet with Mistress Diva and start to get to understand what was expected and offered. Of course, that in itself creates a whole new set of problems for the attentive submissive! Where to go, what sort of food. Nothing to flash, nothing down market.. have to strike just the right balance. My first task and i had to get it right.