Yahoo sucks! Whatever has happened is frustrating. My account has been hijacked and it would seem there is no way of getting it back at the moment. i do not seem to be alone in this as Mistress Diva has also had the same issue. That aside.



Thursdays are interesting days. i go to see my therapist (sounds so American!) most Thursdays. Usually we talk about relationships.. such as with my mother, my children etc. and never really about BDSM. But now, part of me wants to tell her all. But i do hold back as at the moment i neither feel ready or see that it will be of any benefit. But i think that one day it will happen and that does scare me in a strange way. Whilst she knows about my DS involvement, she does not really know the full extent or my need for it.



i have found myself looking back at yesterday (Wednesday) a lot today. In some respects, i told Mistress Diva more about myself that i have done up until now but i also know that i am holding back. Part of me is still scared of where this will go, especially on an emotional level. i have never wanted to feel for a Mistress. Rather, up until now, i have been to see a Mistress for my reasons and my pleasure rather than Hers. But this is very different. By doing certain things, acting in a certain way, i please Mistress Diva. Yes, i do get pleasure from it and the inner feelings i get are both new and at the same time right, but emotionally i am only now learning how to deal with it. i have never really had to think about the Mistress in this way before now. My focus was always on myself and taking pleasure. Now its totally reversed. i want to act in a way that will give Mistress Diva pleasure. There is still a part of me that asks "why me?". In reality i at the moment i don't want to know the answer. i just consider myself lucky that it is me and that i will do all i can to make it the best experience possible.