December has to be the worse month of the year for me. Firstly it is the year end of the company i work for. The 20 business days in December are spent manically flying around Europe or latterly Middle East, closing deals for the year. This year, I was in Dubai up until the 22nd of December and it seemed that ever weekend of December had been filled with family related events. It has also meant that i have had little time for anything outside of work or family. Worse, it has meant that i have not been able to buy a gift for a very important person and this of course is something i will have to rectify. But this is the second problem. As we start January, i look at my diary and find that i am away every week until February and know that i will have little time to get anywhere else.
However, that aside what i suddenly find myself doing is missing Mistress. It is all to easy to slip into a habit of not communicating with Mistress and this i find i have done. i find myself in a familiar pattern of work, sleep, family with little regard for the other side of my life that has always been important to me. But i know that in order to do my job in the way that is needed, i have to become very blinkered and now allow any distractions to happen with the consequence that i tune out all feelings and thoughts of submission and Dominance. Of course, the down side is that as soon as i stop and start to unwind i suddenly find myself craving to submit and want to be at the feet of Mistress once again. my desire to be hurt, to submit and feel whole again never really goes away of course. It just, occasionally, has to take a back-seat in order that i can do what is needed for other people.
i think it is time that i started to session again on a more formal basis, one-2 -one with Mistress. It is only in these types of environments that i feel i can really grow and become the submissive/slave that i want to be and know that i am capable of being. So, what is the New promise? It is that, to serve Mistress in sessions and try to move forward with my slavery and collaring. i know that i have not gone away, just found myself wandering astray a bit. However, Mistress is always in my thoughts when i sit back and relax and i know that i have a huge guilt complex about having no contact for the last 5 weeks. Guilt that i can never really stop but it does act as a reminder to me that i have never stopped wanting to be collared to Mistress Diva and being a slave to Her.
Friday, 29 December 2006
Monday, 19 June 2006
Slipping away
One day, you suddenly wake up and bang.. you find yourself missing something very important in you life.
For the past few weeks, i have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then i realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have i have no contact. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always upto me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, i should never have anything that i cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things i find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where i can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.
i find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress Diva. This is a feeling that over recent weeks is quite strong. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but i will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt. No reason of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.
i do fee at times very mixed up. i know, or at least i hope, that i could have a lot more time with Mistress Diva if i were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses i know but also reality). i want to go out to more clubs and parties. But this i also know will never happen unless changes in my life occur that i cannot really ever see happening.
Well, enough of the depression. i know what i need to do and to do it i will.
For the past few weeks, i have found myself thus. Not really knowing what it was, unable to put a finger on what it was. Then i realised. It is contact. Contact with the Person who gives a lot of my life meaning. But of course, that is the easy part, realising what is missing. The hard part is understanding why it is missing, why have i have no contact. That takes longer, demands deeper thought and diving deeper into yourself. To admit that the reason there has been no contact is to admit that something has occurred and the fault lies with me. It is always upto me, rightly so, to keep contact with Mistress. As Her slave, i should never have anything that i cannot discuss with Mistress. But of course, we are just human and some things i find hard to discuss with even myself. So we have somewhere like this where i can put my thoughts and feelings down freely.
i find myself wanting to session, in a professional way, with Mistress Diva. This is a feeling that over recent weeks is quite strong. Time is the biggest barrier of course, but i will deal with that. To submit to the flogger, the whip and of course show my servitude in any way Mistress desires is now uppermost in my mind, but even that brings a sense of guilt. No reason of course, just my own internal issues and hang-ups.
i do fee at times very mixed up. i know, or at least i hope, that i could have a lot more time with Mistress Diva if i were able. But my other life, my real life so to speak, is very demanding at the moment (excuses i know but also reality). i want to go out to more clubs and parties. But this i also know will never happen unless changes in my life occur that i cannot really ever see happening.
Well, enough of the depression. i know what i need to do and to do it i will.
Wednesday, 29 March 2006
Thoughts and fears
It's funny how one moment you are going along, thinking life is good and in balance. Then, something happens or someone says something that changes everything and makes you start to question so much.
Originally this update was going to be about my birthday (and hence the date does not reflect todays date, April 24) and the feeling that i was in a happy place. But, this is no longer the case. The whole question of my submission to Mistress Diva is suddenly something that i am questioning. Being told that i am holding back in some way is something i never really thought i would be. Whilst i argue that all subs hold back in some form, almost as part of a survival instinct, being told that i do not allow Mistress to, in whatever way, inflict pain on me at the same intensity as i seem to allow others has come as some form of major blow to me. It is something that i cannot deal with and don't know how to deal with. Am i, in some way or another, mentally holding back? It's all i have been thinking about since Friday and i still don't know the answer to it.
So, this of course begs the question - what now? i have no idea what to do and my biggest fear is that i will run away from it. If i cannot give my all, in the way that Mistress Diva deserves and i desire then what is the point? i am even starting to wonder if i am submissive at all, such is the effect this has had on me. i feel i have no-one to talk to about it as it is such a personal issue and few would understand. It's hardly something you can discuss up the pub. There is a huge part of me that wants to show that i don't hold back but what if whilst doing so, i do? What then.. that all along i have been lying to everyone concerned, myself included? i feel as if i have thrown away the last three years and i am now in a limbo that i cannot see a way out of.
Originally this update was going to be about my birthday (and hence the date does not reflect todays date, April 24) and the feeling that i was in a happy place. But, this is no longer the case. The whole question of my submission to Mistress Diva is suddenly something that i am questioning. Being told that i am holding back in some way is something i never really thought i would be. Whilst i argue that all subs hold back in some form, almost as part of a survival instinct, being told that i do not allow Mistress to, in whatever way, inflict pain on me at the same intensity as i seem to allow others has come as some form of major blow to me. It is something that i cannot deal with and don't know how to deal with. Am i, in some way or another, mentally holding back? It's all i have been thinking about since Friday and i still don't know the answer to it.
So, this of course begs the question - what now? i have no idea what to do and my biggest fear is that i will run away from it. If i cannot give my all, in the way that Mistress Diva deserves and i desire then what is the point? i am even starting to wonder if i am submissive at all, such is the effect this has had on me. i feel i have no-one to talk to about it as it is such a personal issue and few would understand. It's hardly something you can discuss up the pub. There is a huge part of me that wants to show that i don't hold back but what if whilst doing so, i do? What then.. that all along i have been lying to everyone concerned, myself included? i feel as if i have thrown away the last three years and i am now in a limbo that i cannot see a way out of.
Tuesday, 28 February 2006
Bringing matters upto date
So, i find myself here again. Fifteen months since my last post, a period where a lot has happend in so many parts of my life.
This is probably one of the hardest parts of what i to do in the relationship i have with Mistress Diva. To expose my feelings in this way i find very hard and am probably a typical Aries in that respect.
i suppose i had best try to summarise the last two years really but even that will be very hard to do but i will do my best.
It was and to a very large degree, still is, one of the biggest regrets in my life that i could not make my collaring to Mistress Diva work. Whilst i really thought i went into it with my eyes very wide open and was confident in myself that i was prepared for everything, the reality was of course that i was not. There was no way i could find the balence needed between Mistress Diva, work and family. The option i took of course was the most stupid. To run the way i did, to waste Mistress Divas time in that way was really not forgivable. However, the most surprising outcome of all this, to me in any event, is that i feel my submssion to Mistress Diva is now stronger than ever before. i have, over the last two years or so, become a far more confident submissive. The need to session, in the way i used to, has gone, yet i feel so much more satisfied with life. Something that i only really used to get after a session with a Mistress. But most importantly, i allow myself to accept that my submission belongs to Mistress Diva and no-one else. i know that soon, i will want to take this further and session in a more formal manner with Mistress Diva. This is a massive step mentally.
Over the last few years, i have started to go out more and more to fetish clubs. This is, more often than not, with Mistress Diva and usually other friends of Hers. The cynical side of me (yes that does exist) used to just say that i was only there becuase i had a big car. But the reality is so very different. The feelings i have, when i walk into the club with Mistress Diva are so hard to describe. i feel so good.. i hate to say proud as it almost a sinful emotion but i am that.. proud to be with Mistress Diva and Her submissive for the evening. Mistress Diva may or may not play with me whilst out. i never go with the expectation of doing so but when it does happen, well again it is a feeling that She wants to and i happily accept this. But the thing that has happened most recently is one that i feel so good about.
People do not do anything without some thought, especially in the world of BDSM. The thing that has happend, most recently (well the last two times of going out) is that i go out collared. This, to me, is a massive change. Whereas before, i was a submissive with Mistress Diva, the dynamic has now changed. i am one Her collared slaves and belong to Her. i find myself happy to kneel at Her side, to be there when needed. The feeling it generates inside me is immense and at first it was overwhelming. Trying to explain this so someone recently, i found it hard to put my emotions into words such was the feeling of happiness i had.
The biggest thing of course is that i have, in Mistress Diva, not only found a Mistress who i want to submit totally to, but have also found a Mistress with whom i can talk to and be the Mistress i want to be with.
This is probably one of the hardest parts of what i to do in the relationship i have with Mistress Diva. To expose my feelings in this way i find very hard and am probably a typical Aries in that respect.
i suppose i had best try to summarise the last two years really but even that will be very hard to do but i will do my best.
It was and to a very large degree, still is, one of the biggest regrets in my life that i could not make my collaring to Mistress Diva work. Whilst i really thought i went into it with my eyes very wide open and was confident in myself that i was prepared for everything, the reality was of course that i was not. There was no way i could find the balence needed between Mistress Diva, work and family. The option i took of course was the most stupid. To run the way i did, to waste Mistress Divas time in that way was really not forgivable. However, the most surprising outcome of all this, to me in any event, is that i feel my submssion to Mistress Diva is now stronger than ever before. i have, over the last two years or so, become a far more confident submissive. The need to session, in the way i used to, has gone, yet i feel so much more satisfied with life. Something that i only really used to get after a session with a Mistress. But most importantly, i allow myself to accept that my submission belongs to Mistress Diva and no-one else. i know that soon, i will want to take this further and session in a more formal manner with Mistress Diva. This is a massive step mentally.
Over the last few years, i have started to go out more and more to fetish clubs. This is, more often than not, with Mistress Diva and usually other friends of Hers. The cynical side of me (yes that does exist) used to just say that i was only there becuase i had a big car. But the reality is so very different. The feelings i have, when i walk into the club with Mistress Diva are so hard to describe. i feel so good.. i hate to say proud as it almost a sinful emotion but i am that.. proud to be with Mistress Diva and Her submissive for the evening. Mistress Diva may or may not play with me whilst out. i never go with the expectation of doing so but when it does happen, well again it is a feeling that She wants to and i happily accept this. But the thing that has happened most recently is one that i feel so good about.
People do not do anything without some thought, especially in the world of BDSM. The thing that has happend, most recently (well the last two times of going out) is that i go out collared. This, to me, is a massive change. Whereas before, i was a submissive with Mistress Diva, the dynamic has now changed. i am one Her collared slaves and belong to Her. i find myself happy to kneel at Her side, to be there when needed. The feeling it generates inside me is immense and at first it was overwhelming. Trying to explain this so someone recently, i found it hard to put my emotions into words such was the feeling of happiness i had.
The biggest thing of course is that i have, in Mistress Diva, not only found a Mistress who i want to submit totally to, but have also found a Mistress with whom i can talk to and be the Mistress i want to be with.
Wednesday, 3 November 2004
Changes
Life seems to have taken a lot of different turns over the last 5 months or so. One the one hand, I am trying to open up to my partner and show her the BDSM side of my life. On the other, i still lead this secret life away from her. I still post on UKM, chat on IRC etc. It's a way, to me, of retaining some sanity. My life, for over 25 years, has had elements of BDSM as part of it and i now realise that of course i cannot just walk away from it. It is as much as part of me today as it was 20 years ago. It is who i am in many respects and it dictates a lot of the decisions i make.
i find myself thinking about Mistress Diva more and more. Maybe its because i am not part of Her "stable" in a way i almost was is doing this. But i know that the form of submission i had is one that found made the most sense. It was, whilst formalised and ritualised, also the most simple. There were no complications. She is the Mistress, i am the slave. Simple. The thought of sessioning is one that feels me with some trepidation at the moment. As much as i want to, i am for the first time ever, unsure how to approach. The desire to submit is as ever there. But how do i approach Mistress Diva. Of course i know how but my procrastination surprises me. Do i fear rejection? Or have i become to friendly with Mistress Diva and the dynamics of the relationship changed so much that.
i find myself thinking about Mistress Diva more and more. Maybe its because i am not part of Her "stable" in a way i almost was is doing this. But i know that the form of submission i had is one that found made the most sense. It was, whilst formalised and ritualised, also the most simple. There were no complications. She is the Mistress, i am the slave. Simple. The thought of sessioning is one that feels me with some trepidation at the moment. As much as i want to, i am for the first time ever, unsure how to approach. The desire to submit is as ever there. But how do i approach Mistress Diva. Of course i know how but my procrastination surprises me. Do i fear rejection? Or have i become to friendly with Mistress Diva and the dynamics of the relationship changed so much that.
Monday, 5 July 2004
Finding a balance
This is not the way i wanted it to be. For the first time ever i had found a Mistress i wanted to serve exclusively. But i never realised how hard it would be. For the last two weeks, i realise i have hidden away unable to confront issues with myself. My work is changing, i am being asked to spend a lot of time away. This creates conflict at home and means i do not get to spend time with Mistress Diva. But then i act in a childish way, running away from the problems rather than dealing with them the way i should. A Mistress/sub relationship has to be about communication and it's something i have not been able to do recently. But suddenly i realise that if i don't confront it, then i never will and i will drift away again. This is not the way i want it to be. i will call Mistress Diva, i will face my concerns and worries. i have to talk to Mistress Diva and work out where things are going wrong and what can be done to mend them.
i feel ashamed that i am not the person i want to be and certainly, in my own mind, not acting the way i should to-wards Mistress Diva. And it's this guilt that is stopping me from dealing with it. But that will change tomorrow. i promise.
i feel ashamed that i am not the person i want to be and certainly, in my own mind, not acting the way i should to-wards Mistress Diva. And it's this guilt that is stopping me from dealing with it. But that will change tomorrow. i promise.
Saturday, 19 June 2004
Me
There are times i hate myself and my life. It's always been this way ever since i can remember. i feel i have nothing to give others yet i take all i am given. i am selfish in so many ways that i feel i cannot start to describe them.
Over the last few weeks i have felt lower than i have for a long time. Trying to analyse it has not really helped as deep down i have know the reason why and it all comes down to loving a person in the past and when an anniversary comes along it reminds you of so much, the good times and the fun. We like to forget the bad times as they only cause pain. So all we look back on is what was.. the fun we had and never the arguments. That has been me over the last few weeks. The act is so selfish that i cannot excuse it. In so many ways i have what so many others want. There is a Mistress who i know that deep down is so wonderful it hurts. In a short time She has allowed me to see what i can do, what i am potentially capable of. But i am scared. Scared to really open up, to allow Her to see more of me and get to know me as a person as well as a submissive. This i know is ripping the relationship apart. The fact i am holding back, ignoring the feelings i have inside is so wrong yet even knowing this i cannot stop it. Whether it's just me having to high an expectation of myself i cannot answer but i know i have to address it otherwise i will not see the next 30 days let alone the next 300 out with Mistress Diva.
i find myself wanting to do so much but then holding back. i have tried so hard to complete the masturbation task but my lack of success in completing it makes me angry, an emotion i hate. i find myself thinking of Mistress Diva, wanting to be beside Her but know that i have to balance my "vanilla" life with that but then feel my non-DS life is taking over again and giving me no time to focus outside of this.
i am scared. i don't know how to change or what to do. i crave pain but even that is wrong as i crave pain in a way i want. i crave to be at Mistress Diva's foot, to worship Her heel, to feel the leather against my tongue. i want to drown in sensations, to lose myself in bondage. But i don't know how.
Over the last few weeks i have felt lower than i have for a long time. Trying to analyse it has not really helped as deep down i have know the reason why and it all comes down to loving a person in the past and when an anniversary comes along it reminds you of so much, the good times and the fun. We like to forget the bad times as they only cause pain. So all we look back on is what was.. the fun we had and never the arguments. That has been me over the last few weeks. The act is so selfish that i cannot excuse it. In so many ways i have what so many others want. There is a Mistress who i know that deep down is so wonderful it hurts. In a short time She has allowed me to see what i can do, what i am potentially capable of. But i am scared. Scared to really open up, to allow Her to see more of me and get to know me as a person as well as a submissive. This i know is ripping the relationship apart. The fact i am holding back, ignoring the feelings i have inside is so wrong yet even knowing this i cannot stop it. Whether it's just me having to high an expectation of myself i cannot answer but i know i have to address it otherwise i will not see the next 30 days let alone the next 300 out with Mistress Diva.
i find myself wanting to do so much but then holding back. i have tried so hard to complete the masturbation task but my lack of success in completing it makes me angry, an emotion i hate. i find myself thinking of Mistress Diva, wanting to be beside Her but know that i have to balance my "vanilla" life with that but then feel my non-DS life is taking over again and giving me no time to focus outside of this.
i am scared. i don't know how to change or what to do. i crave pain but even that is wrong as i crave pain in a way i want. i crave to be at Mistress Diva's foot, to worship Her heel, to feel the leather against my tongue. i want to drown in sensations, to lose myself in bondage. But i don't know how.
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