Life seems to have taken a lot of different turns over the last 5 months or so. One the one hand, I am trying to open up to my partner and show her the BDSM side of my life. On the other, i still lead this secret life away from her. I still post on UKM, chat on IRC etc. It's a way, to me, of retaining some sanity. My life, for over 25 years, has had elements of BDSM as part of it and i now realise that of course i cannot just walk away from it. It is as much as part of me today as it was 20 years ago. It is who i am in many respects and it dictates a lot of the decisions i make.
i find myself thinking about Mistress Diva more and more. Maybe its because i am not part of Her "stable" in a way i almost was is doing this. But i know that the form of submission i had is one that found made the most sense. It was, whilst formalised and ritualised, also the most simple. There were no complications. She is the Mistress, i am the slave. Simple. The thought of sessioning is one that feels me with some trepidation at the moment. As much as i want to, i am for the first time ever, unsure how to approach. The desire to submit is as ever there. But how do i approach Mistress Diva. Of course i know how but my procrastination surprises me. Do i fear rejection? Or have i become to friendly with Mistress Diva and the dynamics of the relationship changed so much that.
Wednesday, 3 November 2004
Monday, 5 July 2004
Finding a balance
This is not the way i wanted it to be. For the first time ever i had found a Mistress i wanted to serve exclusively. But i never realised how hard it would be. For the last two weeks, i realise i have hidden away unable to confront issues with myself. My work is changing, i am being asked to spend a lot of time away. This creates conflict at home and means i do not get to spend time with Mistress Diva. But then i act in a childish way, running away from the problems rather than dealing with them the way i should. A Mistress/sub relationship has to be about communication and it's something i have not been able to do recently. But suddenly i realise that if i don't confront it, then i never will and i will drift away again. This is not the way i want it to be. i will call Mistress Diva, i will face my concerns and worries. i have to talk to Mistress Diva and work out where things are going wrong and what can be done to mend them.
i feel ashamed that i am not the person i want to be and certainly, in my own mind, not acting the way i should to-wards Mistress Diva. And it's this guilt that is stopping me from dealing with it. But that will change tomorrow. i promise.
i feel ashamed that i am not the person i want to be and certainly, in my own mind, not acting the way i should to-wards Mistress Diva. And it's this guilt that is stopping me from dealing with it. But that will change tomorrow. i promise.
Saturday, 19 June 2004
Me
There are times i hate myself and my life. It's always been this way ever since i can remember. i feel i have nothing to give others yet i take all i am given. i am selfish in so many ways that i feel i cannot start to describe them.
Over the last few weeks i have felt lower than i have for a long time. Trying to analyse it has not really helped as deep down i have know the reason why and it all comes down to loving a person in the past and when an anniversary comes along it reminds you of so much, the good times and the fun. We like to forget the bad times as they only cause pain. So all we look back on is what was.. the fun we had and never the arguments. That has been me over the last few weeks. The act is so selfish that i cannot excuse it. In so many ways i have what so many others want. There is a Mistress who i know that deep down is so wonderful it hurts. In a short time She has allowed me to see what i can do, what i am potentially capable of. But i am scared. Scared to really open up, to allow Her to see more of me and get to know me as a person as well as a submissive. This i know is ripping the relationship apart. The fact i am holding back, ignoring the feelings i have inside is so wrong yet even knowing this i cannot stop it. Whether it's just me having to high an expectation of myself i cannot answer but i know i have to address it otherwise i will not see the next 30 days let alone the next 300 out with Mistress Diva.
i find myself wanting to do so much but then holding back. i have tried so hard to complete the masturbation task but my lack of success in completing it makes me angry, an emotion i hate. i find myself thinking of Mistress Diva, wanting to be beside Her but know that i have to balance my "vanilla" life with that but then feel my non-DS life is taking over again and giving me no time to focus outside of this.
i am scared. i don't know how to change or what to do. i crave pain but even that is wrong as i crave pain in a way i want. i crave to be at Mistress Diva's foot, to worship Her heel, to feel the leather against my tongue. i want to drown in sensations, to lose myself in bondage. But i don't know how.
Over the last few weeks i have felt lower than i have for a long time. Trying to analyse it has not really helped as deep down i have know the reason why and it all comes down to loving a person in the past and when an anniversary comes along it reminds you of so much, the good times and the fun. We like to forget the bad times as they only cause pain. So all we look back on is what was.. the fun we had and never the arguments. That has been me over the last few weeks. The act is so selfish that i cannot excuse it. In so many ways i have what so many others want. There is a Mistress who i know that deep down is so wonderful it hurts. In a short time She has allowed me to see what i can do, what i am potentially capable of. But i am scared. Scared to really open up, to allow Her to see more of me and get to know me as a person as well as a submissive. This i know is ripping the relationship apart. The fact i am holding back, ignoring the feelings i have inside is so wrong yet even knowing this i cannot stop it. Whether it's just me having to high an expectation of myself i cannot answer but i know i have to address it otherwise i will not see the next 30 days let alone the next 300 out with Mistress Diva.
i find myself wanting to do so much but then holding back. i have tried so hard to complete the masturbation task but my lack of success in completing it makes me angry, an emotion i hate. i find myself thinking of Mistress Diva, wanting to be beside Her but know that i have to balance my "vanilla" life with that but then feel my non-DS life is taking over again and giving me no time to focus outside of this.
i am scared. i don't know how to change or what to do. i crave pain but even that is wrong as i crave pain in a way i want. i crave to be at Mistress Diva's foot, to worship Her heel, to feel the leather against my tongue. i want to drown in sensations, to lose myself in bondage. But i don't know how.
Wednesday, 16 June 2004
Feeling down, lifted up
Friday. A not particularly good day. Lots of stress at work, aggro at home and few other things all contrived to make me feel down and in one of my rare funks. Not really felt like this for some time now as the situation with Mistress Diva has allowed me to focus on BDSM and other areas in a different way than before. But that said, i was feeling down and sorry for myself on Friday. So, on line chatting with Mistress Diva, telling Her this suddenly invitation to come over to Her house for a chat. Oh, and to bring my bag "just in case". So, eventually got over to Mistress Diva's house, remembering the address and how to get there. Was not sure of what to expect but i was surprised to be asked to attend a private party with Mistress Diva. Now this was not what i was expecting but if it was designed to lift my mood it worked without doubt. i felt all fluttery and nervous inside as apart from Pedestal i had not been with Mistress Diva as her slave in a public place. i was given a few tasks to carry out, to get some food & drink before leaving. That done, we left for High Wycombe for the party. Mistress Diva looked lovely, something i always notice.
The party was a nice gathering and there were some people i knew there which always helps. i was there though for Mistress Diva and i found myself kneeling beside Mistress Diva feeling happy and comfortable. Was this really me i thought to myself. But inner thoughts did worry me in that it could be perceived that i had acted petulant and was hoping subconsciously that something like this would happen. In reality i was amazed that Mistress Diva invited me over and it would never be something i would have tried to manipulate to happen.
Mistress Diva had a new "toy" with Her. Her short single tail whip. It was going to prove interesting when Mistress Diva tried out the whip on me as i have never, and i mean never ever, been whipped before. Pain to me is something that is quite specific and the ability to gain pleasure from pain exists in a band that i can not explain easily. But at best, it's pain that is delivered in a way that is not biting, in the way a cane does. So in light of this, i was actually dreading being whipped. When i was told to stand with my back to Mistress Diva, i tried hard to relax and move in to the pain. To my surprise, it was not an un-pleasurable sensation. It resonated in a way with small pin pricks to the skin, leaving an after-glow a few seconds later. It was very different to flogging and no-where near as horrible as being caned. The only time i found it uncomfortable was when it bit into the top of my neck. But looking back, i would like to experience it again, building up in intensity to see where it goes.
Time seemed to go very quickly and Mistress Diva made Her goodbyes and i was soon driving back down the motorway to take Mistress Diva home. i felt tired, but also very peaceful inside. Calm almost but feeling that this is what i like and just being there with Mistress Diva gives me an inner sense of well-being.
The party was a nice gathering and there were some people i knew there which always helps. i was there though for Mistress Diva and i found myself kneeling beside Mistress Diva feeling happy and comfortable. Was this really me i thought to myself. But inner thoughts did worry me in that it could be perceived that i had acted petulant and was hoping subconsciously that something like this would happen. In reality i was amazed that Mistress Diva invited me over and it would never be something i would have tried to manipulate to happen.
Mistress Diva had a new "toy" with Her. Her short single tail whip. It was going to prove interesting when Mistress Diva tried out the whip on me as i have never, and i mean never ever, been whipped before. Pain to me is something that is quite specific and the ability to gain pleasure from pain exists in a band that i can not explain easily. But at best, it's pain that is delivered in a way that is not biting, in the way a cane does. So in light of this, i was actually dreading being whipped. When i was told to stand with my back to Mistress Diva, i tried hard to relax and move in to the pain. To my surprise, it was not an un-pleasurable sensation. It resonated in a way with small pin pricks to the skin, leaving an after-glow a few seconds later. It was very different to flogging and no-where near as horrible as being caned. The only time i found it uncomfortable was when it bit into the top of my neck. But looking back, i would like to experience it again, building up in intensity to see where it goes.
Time seemed to go very quickly and Mistress Diva made Her goodbyes and i was soon driving back down the motorway to take Mistress Diva home. i felt tired, but also very peaceful inside. Calm almost but feeling that this is what i like and just being there with Mistress Diva gives me an inner sense of well-being.
Wednesday, 9 June 2004
Punishement
Finally, after much technical to and froeing i have my log back. Thank-you google.
As a result of my not telling Mistress Diva that i had failed my task when i met Her, i was given a punishment to complete as well as told to complete the task. The punishment is to masturbate 4 times, each time to completion and wait 10 minutes between each orgasm. Ok i thought, how hard can that be (no pun intended). First one was OK. Erection subside, wait, start again. Ok again. But then the third one. Cock did not get as hard as before but was still semi-erect. Took awhile longer and a lot of imagination. i found myself thinking of the most bizarre thoughts in order to cum. My imagination took me to SM scenes played out in my head and some of the more erotic activities i have enjoyed in the past. Finally i managed to ejactulate if thats what it can be called. But now of course i had to do another. 10 minutes wait. Then start again. My cock did not want to respond. More mental images, more wanking, finally some repsonse. But this time about 10 minutes of action before i could feel the usual build-up of tensions and orgasm close. When it did come, nothing. i was totally dry. i realised the reason for the punishment of course, but now understood the effect. Masturbation can be a pleasure but also made a chore. The pleasure removed by the simple act of repetition.
As a result of my not telling Mistress Diva that i had failed my task when i met Her, i was given a punishment to complete as well as told to complete the task. The punishment is to masturbate 4 times, each time to completion and wait 10 minutes between each orgasm. Ok i thought, how hard can that be (no pun intended). First one was OK. Erection subside, wait, start again. Ok again. But then the third one. Cock did not get as hard as before but was still semi-erect. Took awhile longer and a lot of imagination. i found myself thinking of the most bizarre thoughts in order to cum. My imagination took me to SM scenes played out in my head and some of the more erotic activities i have enjoyed in the past. Finally i managed to ejactulate if thats what it can be called. But now of course i had to do another. 10 minutes wait. Then start again. My cock did not want to respond. More mental images, more wanking, finally some repsonse. But this time about 10 minutes of action before i could feel the usual build-up of tensions and orgasm close. When it did come, nothing. i was totally dry. i realised the reason for the punishment of course, but now understood the effect. Masturbation can be a pleasure but also made a chore. The pleasure removed by the simple act of repetition.
Monday, 24 May 2004
Guilt..
Looking back at my last post, i realise that i have made a grave error. In being so honest about my failure to complete the set task, i now see that i should have told Mistress Diva sooner, at the latest when i met Mistress Diva for dinner on Tuesday. i cannot find a reason inside myself why i did not tell Her but it's now too late and i cannot undo what i have already done.
Once again, i find myself missing Mistress Diva. This time, it's worse! Not seeing Mistress Diva on line does make me feel so far away. i do not see how long distance DS relationships can work if this is the way i feel after just 5 days!
Speaking to a friend on yahoo today she suddenly said.. "Isn't Your Mistress gorgeous". Now who am i to deny this. But then i asked who she knew. "I saw Her at the Black&Blue" was the reply. So now, i have a tortuous wait until the return of Mistress Diva to see whether i have said anything that i should not have said. My heart says i have nothing to worry about but you never know.
Once again, i find myself missing Mistress Diva. This time, it's worse! Not seeing Mistress Diva on line does make me feel so far away. i do not see how long distance DS relationships can work if this is the way i feel after just 5 days!
Speaking to a friend on yahoo today she suddenly said.. "Isn't Your Mistress gorgeous". Now who am i to deny this. But then i asked who she knew. "I saw Her at the Black&Blue" was the reply. So now, i have a tortuous wait until the return of Mistress Diva to see whether i have said anything that i should not have said. My heart says i have nothing to worry about but you never know.
Thursday, 20 May 2004
Masturbation Admission
Well, life is getting back into it's normal groove. Back from NY, back to work but Mistress Diva away. However, i had the pleasure and honour of taking Her to dinner on Tuesday night so not all is wrong with the world.
The trip to NY was a struggle. It's a city full of many temptations for the perverted among us. Past trips have had me experiencing all sorts of things, from well endowed TS's through to visits to other Mistresses. But now my life is given to one and that of course means i will not give in to previous desires. In many ways, being so busy whilst out there did mean i did not really have much time to think about such things.
But it was not all work of course! Mistress Diva gave me a command which was both a welcome relief and a challenge. It seems to have been for ever since i last masturbated and i was give permission to do so by Mistress Diva. However, there was an additional requirement of course! i was to bring myself close to orgasm 6 times before finally allowing release. i usually rely on visual stimulation to achieve orgasm when masturbating. But i thought it best this time to not do so this time as i would probably bring myself to the edge to quickly and not be able to last. So, lying down, erection in hand started. It's funny but masturbation was always a thing i enjoyed doing and never really thought about it. However, this time, i knew that i had to do it in a different way, in a way that Mistress Diva wanted completing. i felt myself come close to orgasm quite quickly it had been so long since i had cum. But stopping, allowing things to subside and then starting again. Lasted a bit longer the next time, but again could feel the pressure in my legs as the muscles tightened and again stopping before actual ejaculation. Again, brief rest, start again. By now i am sweating a bit as well and know that i am getting closer to the edge with each recommencement. The process of thinking about what i am doing, rather than just allowing my hand to grip my cock and bring myself off is so different. This time, i don't wank so fast. Just long slow strokes, not really sure what i should be thinking of other than not ejaculating just at that moment. The other thing of course is that if become to distracted i will lose my erection thus losing the ability to masturbate properly! A conundrum. What started out in my mind as a simple task suddenly takes on all sorts of new dimensions. Again, i feel myself close to orgasm, i stop and rest. 3 times now, not sure i can actually last all 6. Started to wonder if i was given a time-limit to complete the task. But knew that was not in the spirit intended. So again, start to masturbate. It does feel so good. Just the feeling of my cock in my hand is nice. Now its a strange thing, the mind. i knew what was expected but i also knew that i was now desperate to actually cum and i have to now admit that this part of me took over. i could not hold myself back and in less than 10 strokes i ejaculated. i knew that i had failed and a big part of my was angry at myself but all my male side was in post-cum pleasure, looking at the amount of cum i had produced. Had it really been that long... well yes it had. Would i admit this to Mistress Diva. Well, i know that i cannot keep anything from Mistress Diva and indeed nor do i want to. So yes, i would admit my failure to Mistress Diva. Was just not sure when i guess.
The rest of the week passed in much the same way with work etc. and then some vacation time, seeing some of the sites of New York. Ironically on the last day i saw a great gift but due to personal circumstance was unable to get it. However i am sure that i can remedy that. Back to London and then meeting up with Mistress Diva on Tuesday night. Seeing Mistress Diva, in any context, makes my heart lift. Sounds really stupid, but that is the effect She has on me. i smile inside and out when i see Her, knowing that i want to please Her, to show Her that i am worthy to be called Her slave by myself and others. Dinner ended all to soon and we were saying goodbye. i knew that i would not see Mistress Diva for another 2 weeks. But i also knew that i would do all i can in that time to continue my submission to Mistress Diva and continue my journey with Her to what i feel i truly can be.
The trip to NY was a struggle. It's a city full of many temptations for the perverted among us. Past trips have had me experiencing all sorts of things, from well endowed TS's through to visits to other Mistresses. But now my life is given to one and that of course means i will not give in to previous desires. In many ways, being so busy whilst out there did mean i did not really have much time to think about such things.
But it was not all work of course! Mistress Diva gave me a command which was both a welcome relief and a challenge. It seems to have been for ever since i last masturbated and i was give permission to do so by Mistress Diva. However, there was an additional requirement of course! i was to bring myself close to orgasm 6 times before finally allowing release. i usually rely on visual stimulation to achieve orgasm when masturbating. But i thought it best this time to not do so this time as i would probably bring myself to the edge to quickly and not be able to last. So, lying down, erection in hand started. It's funny but masturbation was always a thing i enjoyed doing and never really thought about it. However, this time, i knew that i had to do it in a different way, in a way that Mistress Diva wanted completing. i felt myself come close to orgasm quite quickly it had been so long since i had cum. But stopping, allowing things to subside and then starting again. Lasted a bit longer the next time, but again could feel the pressure in my legs as the muscles tightened and again stopping before actual ejaculation. Again, brief rest, start again. By now i am sweating a bit as well and know that i am getting closer to the edge with each recommencement. The process of thinking about what i am doing, rather than just allowing my hand to grip my cock and bring myself off is so different. This time, i don't wank so fast. Just long slow strokes, not really sure what i should be thinking of other than not ejaculating just at that moment. The other thing of course is that if become to distracted i will lose my erection thus losing the ability to masturbate properly! A conundrum. What started out in my mind as a simple task suddenly takes on all sorts of new dimensions. Again, i feel myself close to orgasm, i stop and rest. 3 times now, not sure i can actually last all 6. Started to wonder if i was given a time-limit to complete the task. But knew that was not in the spirit intended. So again, start to masturbate. It does feel so good. Just the feeling of my cock in my hand is nice. Now its a strange thing, the mind. i knew what was expected but i also knew that i was now desperate to actually cum and i have to now admit that this part of me took over. i could not hold myself back and in less than 10 strokes i ejaculated. i knew that i had failed and a big part of my was angry at myself but all my male side was in post-cum pleasure, looking at the amount of cum i had produced. Had it really been that long... well yes it had. Would i admit this to Mistress Diva. Well, i know that i cannot keep anything from Mistress Diva and indeed nor do i want to. So yes, i would admit my failure to Mistress Diva. Was just not sure when i guess.
The rest of the week passed in much the same way with work etc. and then some vacation time, seeing some of the sites of New York. Ironically on the last day i saw a great gift but due to personal circumstance was unable to get it. However i am sure that i can remedy that. Back to London and then meeting up with Mistress Diva on Tuesday night. Seeing Mistress Diva, in any context, makes my heart lift. Sounds really stupid, but that is the effect She has on me. i smile inside and out when i see Her, knowing that i want to please Her, to show Her that i am worthy to be called Her slave by myself and others. Dinner ended all to soon and we were saying goodbye. i knew that i would not see Mistress Diva for another 2 weeks. But i also knew that i would do all i can in that time to continue my submission to Mistress Diva and continue my journey with Her to what i feel i truly can be.
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