i have just had one of the worse nights sleep i have had for years. Was it guilt, remorse, sorrow. i don't know but when i went to bed i felt very down and sad. That my acts could cause these reactions is something i did not expect. It has made me question already my commitment to Mistress Diva and whether i am capable of being the submissive She expect and indeed i hope to be. i know that cannot let it happen again as i never want to feel that i have made Mistress Diva angry or let Her down in the way i seem to have done. That my feelings are so exposed tells me a lot about the way i feel for Mistress Diva and the fact that i care about letting Her down in this way even more. It's fair to say that in the past i was very, indeed still am in some respects, self centred. But suddenly i have to consider the effect my actions have on others and in this case Mistress Diva. Then to make matters worse, i used the sorry word. A lesson i had forgotten which in itself is unforgivable and earns a punishment in it's own right. My actions showing my true self just seem to mount up against me and just because i did not try, that i lapsed into the old self i was before i met Mistress Diva.



i know that when i phone Mistress Diva later today, it will be with trepidation and nervousness. It is not the way i want it to be but it will be so because of my actions and the fact that i have with my lack of understanding who Mistress Diva is compromised Her authority and standards. For this i will be punished and punished severely. Ironic in many ways given that i had only an hour or so before given Mistress Diva a list of activities that i considered to be real punishments. Namely:



1. Caning

2. Enforced celibacy

3. Enforced verbal deprivation

4. Removal of monthly session

5. Paddling on the bottom.



i have no doubt in my mind which one of these will, if any can, count as punishment for my actions.